my mom insists on buying presents for adult kids and complains about having to shop

[Anonymous]

Every year I suggest scaling way back on presents for us, and every year she says no she loves buying a bunch of stuff for her adult kids. And every year she complains about how stressed she is by holiday shopping. If I don't give her enough present ideas for me, she'll get some really random waste of space and money things that are either clearance junk or antique knick knacks. I'm honestly not picky and have hobbies that are easy to buy for (gardening and reading). <petty rant over>

[Anonymous]

Tune out the rant. If it wasn't about that, it would be about something else. This is someone who just LIKES to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tune out the rant. If it wasn't about that, it would be about something else. This is someone who just LIKES to complain.

Omg, yes, this is her exactly.

[Anonymous]

"No, I love shopping"
"You sure? It never sounds like it"

A few months later

"[complaints]"
"My offer not to do this stands"

Then drop it. Some people do like to complain ::inclines head slightly toward my own mother::

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tune out the rant. If it wasn't about that, it would be about something else. This is someone who just LIKES to complain.

+100 this is my mom too if she's not complaining she has nothing to say literally.

[Anonymous]

Just figure out what she’s really asking for from you.

It’s probably something like:

“mom, we’re so lucky you spend so much time making sure everyone in the family has a good holiday. We love you and we’re thankful for all that you do.”

And maybe try something like:
“this year we don’t want you to be stressed out about buying a bunch of gifts. What if this year your gift to everyone is the same picture frame, and our gift is hiring a photographer to come take a group photo at lunch. Then we can all put prints in the frames.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tune out the rant. If it wasn't about that, it would be about something else. This is someone who just LIKES to complain.

+100 this is my mom too if she's not complaining she has nothing to say literally.

This. Imagine Charlie Brown’s teacher voice, smile, sip a beverage, and wait for her to exhaust herself. Eventually she’ll tire of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out what she’s really asking for from you.

It’s probably something like:

“mom, we’re so lucky you spend so much time making sure everyone in the family has a good holiday. We love you and we’re thankful for all that you do.”

And maybe try something like:
“this year we don’t want you to be stressed out about buying a bunch of gifts. What if this year your gift to everyone is the same picture frame, and our gift is hiring a photographer to come take a group photo at lunch. Then we can all put prints in the frames.”

Lol, then she'll complain that she always looks terrible in photos.

[Anonymous]

Shut it down. Some people use gifts as a way to release their crazy. I have a sibling who will give junk and thank you is not enough, she will drive you insane with questions about how often it's used, need photos of child with object. I made it clear the gift is your presence, no more gifts.If you chose to give one, we will not be answering a host of questions and it is a boundary violation. It was easier than listening to this BS and training my kids to pretend to be excited and prodding them to write thank you notes. If thank you was enough we would have just donated the stuff and thanked her.

Just make a no gifts rule. Make it clear that you will not be engaging in these discussions. If you genuinely enjoy her company-let her know that and it's gift enough.

If you decide not to set a gift boundary, set a boundary with the complaints. Change subject. Leave discussion. Distract. Whatever, but don't reinforce.