Christmas gifts post-divorce

[Anonymous]

First Christmas post-divorce for my five-year-old. How have you divorced or separated parents managed Christmas gifts with your ex?

We have typically said that Santa brings one unwrapped gift (the "big gift") and the rest are from parents. I’ve already bought several. Do your ex and you contribute equally to gifts? One of your buys, the other reimburses half? Or do you let them select and buy their own gifts? Or have them do their own celebration with you child on their own time? Or do you just buy and say they're from both?

(Background, my ex lives across the country and sees our child for a weekend every 6-8 weeks. Per our decree, our child will be with me for every Christmas holiday. My ex is not planning to have a visit with our child until likely late January or early February).

[Anonymous]

Your arrangement sounds terrible for the child. Sorry to have to say that. Why cant they see their other parent for Christmas?
Our ex and I do Christmas separately. He buys them gifts. I buy them gifts. After all, isn't that the one perk kids think of divorce? Two Christmases?
In any case, the one thing we do is that the kids buy ex a present. And ex helps kids buy me a present. It can be small but it helps kids be involved in gift giving and ensures that us single parents actually get a gift if we don't have family etc.

[Anonymous]

If he is paying child support he is contributing to the gifts. Kid should be visiting dad in dads home over long holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your arrangement/degree has it set up so dad won't ever be an active part of child's Christmas holiday. Why are you bothering to ask about equitable Christmas gifts?

The elephant in the room is that dad and child will not have time or memories of the Christmas holiday together. Buy all the gifts you want but it won't replace time with a parent.

[Anonymous]

Did ex move away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your arrangement sounds terrible for the child. Sorry to have to say that. Why cant they see their other parent for Christmas?
Our ex and I do Christmas separately. He buys them gifts. I buy them gifts. After all, isn't that the one perk kids think of divorce? Two Christmases?
In any case, the one thing we do is that the kids buy ex a present. And ex helps kids buy me a present. It can be small but it helps kids be involved in gift giving and ensures that us single parents actually get a gift if we don't have family etc.

OP here. Yeah, it’s not ideal for our child, who would likely want time with both parents at the holidays, but it is my ex’s choice. My ex has decided recently to embrace a different religion and won’t be celebrating christmas (but isn’t against our child continuing to celebrate Christmas which we will).

I guess the easiest thing is just to buy the gifts myself and give them. I don’t have to expressly state that they are from both parents or not. And if my ex chooses to celebrate the holiday with our child when they have parenting time at a later date, then they certainly can. With gifts or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your arrangement sounds terrible for the child. Sorry to have to say that. Why cant they see their other parent for Christmas?
Our ex and I do Christmas separately. He buys them gifts. I buy them gifts. After all, isn't that the one perk kids think of divorce? Two Christmases?
In any case, the one thing we do is that the kids buy ex a present. And ex helps kids buy me a present. It can be small but it helps kids be involved in gift giving and ensures that us single parents actually get a gift if we don't have family etc.

And forgot to add - yes, good idea about having kids mark the occasions for the other parent. I did this for my ex’a bday (ex did not do same but that’s ok), and will do same for other holidays as custom. I’d like to at least have one of us modeling to our child that you do kind things for the other parent on special occasions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did ex move away?

Yes, the ex has moved across the country and is electing to have less parenting time than legally entitled to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your arrangement/degree has it set up so dad won't ever be an active part of child's Christmas holiday. Why are you bothering to ask about equitable Christmas gifts?

The elephant in the room is that dad and child will not have time or memories of the Christmas holiday together. Buy all the gifts you want but it won't replace time with a parent.

I am probably overthinking it when it comes to gifts. I have almost everything already purchased so we’ll just continue to do what I am doing in my way, and not request or expect any contributions from the other parent.

And I agree. I wish that our child would have the benefit of more access with the non-custodial parent, especially at the holidays. But working what the reality of our new situation to make the best of what’s outside of my control

[Anonymous]

If your ex no longer celebrates Christmas and isn’t seeing your child over the holidays, I would say you’re on your own for making and funding holiday magic.

I would continue the “Santa” gift, and then add more as you see fit from you. This is also a good time to reset expectations.

[Anonymous]

"My ex has decided recently to embrace a different religion and won’t be celebrating christmas (but isn’t against our child continuing to celebrate Christmas which we will)."

Does that religion have special holidays? If it does, then it would be important for your child to recognize that holiday, too. Child should spend time with dad for that holiday, get dad a gift or whatever else is appropriate, etc.

In other words, your child should not grow up thinking that celebrating Christmas with you is the only holiday that matters.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I'm sorry that your ex is a jerk and a crappy parent. You are clearly trying to make the best of a crap situation created by the other person. I'm amazed at most of the above responses essentially putting the blame on you for a grown-ass adult who made his own decisions over which you have no control. Glad to see that you are letting these comments roll off your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My ex has decided recently to embrace a different religion and won’t be celebrating christmas (but isn’t against our child continuing to celebrate Christmas which we will)."

Does that religion have special holidays? If it does, then it would be important for your child to recognize that holiday, too. Child should spend time with dad for that holiday, get dad a gift or whatever else is appropriate, etc.

In other words, your child should not grow up thinking that celebrating Christmas with you is the only holiday that matters.

Bolded above - this is the ex's responsibility. OP can be supportive, but this is squarely on the ex if it is so important to ex.

[Anonymous]

In a divorce each parent buys and gives their own gifts to the child. Either or both parents can give from Santa if they want. Santa can visit both homes. If the ex isn't going to be in town they should ship the presents to you or give them at the next visit, but they are choosing not to do that. All presents can be labeled from you or Santa. If his family wants you give gifts they can mail them and since kid is young, it would be nice to let them do video chat on Christmas morning.

FTR I this this arrangement sounds better than most. Kid will have a stable home instead of going back and forth all the time. Ex sounds like a flake.

[Anonymous]

This is a good time to "divorce" yourself from providing gifts on behalf of your ex. No need to be like my family member who, for years, would send gifts on behalf of her ex, even to grandchildren born after their divorce! It's not your job.