grandparents contradicting parent in front of kids

[Anonymous]

Grandparents were in over the weekend, and they contradict me and DS frequently in front of the kids.
Not necessarily over big issues, but over every issue.
"Time to put on your shoes so we can leave"...toddler refuses..."Ok, he doesn't have to put on his shoes and we don't have to go anywhere"...toddler looks confused
Parent says "clean up your plate and put it in the sink"..."you don't need to do that, grandma's got it."
"You must practice your instrument"...groaning from kid..."that's ok, I don't need to hear him play"
Parent tells kid item is trash, not recycle. "Sure that is! It should go in the recycle" (item is a dirty napkin)
"We are going to do X" (parent)..."wouldn't you rather they do Y" (grandparent)

It is just constant, and it gets the kids out of their routines, which then messes everyone up.
I've asked parents not to contradict us in front of the kids, but they insist they are just helping and offering suggestions.

Mostly a rant, but any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Are these your parents or your in-laws?

If your parents, you need to tell them privately that they shouldn’t contradict you. And if they do, you immediately call them out.

“No, Nana,we talked about this. Larlo and I are going to the park. You don’t need to go with us and can stay home. Larlo, shoes on now, please.”

“No, Nana, we talked about this. Larlo, Nana is funny. She sometimes thinks *she* is your mom. It’s time to put your plate away.”

If these are your in-laws, your spouse needs to have these conversations.

[Anonymous]

Just less time with them unfortunately. And you can tell them that. "Since you won't stop contradicting our instructions to the kids, we are choosing to spend less time with you since it throws them off their routines and is very confusing. If you want to spend more time with us or them, you'll stop doing that. It's up to you."

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting them.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

[Anonymous]

I have parents like that. It just gets worse too as they age. Not only do they do that but they don't even remember the conversation or understand your perspective. I try to give few instructions to kids during grandparent time as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

Tell them that you are the parent, not them.
Child is to listen to the parent. Grandparent need to keep quiet unless they want to lose their credibility in front of grandchild when the parent flat out explains to child whose words carry weight in the parent's household.
Seriously, your kid needs to respect what the parents tell them. The last thing you need is for a child to think a non-parent has authority over them, i.e. touchy feely uncle Rando tells child to nevermind his parents and come sit on his lap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

My front door has a lock, and we use it. If we don't want you here, you're not coming in. You can tell them "I'm entitled to be sensitive about what is said to my kids, and you're right - I DON'T appreciate you contradicting my instructions to my kids. As I asked you before, please stop."

[Anonymous]

Mine did that. I flat out told them that “I am the parent, don’t contradict me.” They were stunned but then they realized how right I was. I love my parents and am close to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

Remind them that they already had the opportunity to raise their children their way and now it’s your turn. Would they have appreciated your grandparents interfering with how they raised you? (Your grandparents may have interfered, but even so, I can’t imagine it would have been appreciated).

As the children’s parents, you and your husband make the rules. Your parents don’t have to like your rules, but they should respect them. Undermining your parental authority is not okay. It’s bad for the kids and damaging to family relationships.

Tell them that the kids already have parents, but that you want them to have a wonderful relationship with them as grandparents. Hopefully, they will adjust. If not warn them that as much as you want your kids to spend special time with them, you won’t let anyone undermine your authority, and if they continue to do so, you’ll have to start restricting visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

"I am not being too sensitive. You are openly contradicting me in from of my children, and you are creating confusion in them and frustration in me. I would never want anyone to disrespect you in that way and I don't understand why you think it is okay to undermine your own child, but I won't have it. The next time this happens, you will be asked to leave. Please do not be surprised if yih are less welcome for a while. Life is stressful enough without more confusion and frustration in it."

[Anonymous]

The responses that either my husband or I would have (to our own parents, I think we'd respond similarly):

"Time to put on your shoes so we can leave"...toddler refuses..."Ok, he doesn't have to put on his shoes and we don't have to go anywhere"...toddler looks confused - "No, Nana, it's time to put shoes on. Come on, Larlo, your shoes are over here."

Parent says "clean up your plate and put it in the sink"..."you don't need to do that, grandma's got it." - "No, Larlo can clean up his own plate. Nana, if you could grab the bowl of potatoes and wrap that up, that would be great."

"You must practice your instrument"...groaning from kid..."that's ok, I don't need to hear him play" - "Sorry, Nana, it's practice time. Larlo, your flute is over by the door."

Parent tells kid item is trash, not recycle. "Sure that is! It should go in the recycle" (item is a dirty napkin) - "Oh, recycling here doesn't take napkins. Put that in the trash please, Larlo."

"We are going to do X" (parent)..."wouldn't you rather they do Y" (grandparent) - "No, X would be best right now."


I'll also note that I probably would have let the plate cleaning thing go, and instead gone with "Oh, isn't that nice of Nana. Larlo, what do you say?" I do let the grandparents spoil the kids a bit, that's their job.

[Anonymous]

I'd have the talk and then if they continue to do it, kick them out. Every time they do it, get up and say, okay mom, thanks for visiting, but we need to cut it short and see you later. Usher her out and repeat as needed until she gets the message.

I'm sorry, but she's crossing a major parenting line. She's constantly undermining you in order to curry favor with the grandchild. It's a sick dynamic and as you said, it confuses the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
They are my parents. Not In-laws.
Haha--they'd come without an invitation.
When I've tried to talk with them, I am accused of being too sensitive and not appreciative.

Then you need to grow a backbone. Until you believe you’re a real grown up, your parents won’t either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses that either my husband or I would have (to our own parents, I think we'd respond similarly):

"Time to put on your shoes so we can leave"...toddler refuses..."Ok, he doesn't have to put on his shoes and we don't have to go anywhere"...toddler looks confused - "No, Nana, it's time to put shoes on. Come on, Larlo, your shoes are over here."

Parent says "clean up your plate and put it in the sink"..."you don't need to do that, grandma's got it." - "No, Larlo can clean up his own plate. Nana, if you could grab the bowl of potatoes and wrap that up, that would be great."

"You must practice your instrument"...groaning from kid..."that's ok, I don't need to hear him play" - "Sorry, Nana, it's practice time. Larlo, your flute is over by the door."

Parent tells kid item is trash, not recycle. "Sure that is! It should go in the recycle" (item is a dirty napkin) - "Oh, recycling here doesn't take napkins. Put that in the trash please, Larlo."

"We are going to do X" (parent)..."wouldn't you rather they do Y" (grandparent) - "No, X would be best right now."


I'll also note that I probably would have let the plate cleaning thing go, and instead gone with "Oh, isn't that nice of Nana. Larlo, what do you say?" I do let the grandparents spoil the kids a bit, that's their job.

Good advice here. A middle road between doormat and scorched earth.