How to handle - my teen

[Anonymous]

My teen has been playing in the orchestra since they were in early elementary. They love playing it's something they have found solace in during some really tough times. They know they aren't ever going to be a professional, but it's something they enjoy and we encourage.

This year, they have a new teacher who is very old school about music. I've told my child that not everyone is going to be supportive of how they choose to live (non-binary) and they really have gotten to a place in their life where they are ok with judgement. There is a big recital coming up (their first with the new teacher) and the teacher is forcing all girls to wear dresses and boys to wear pants. She (the teacher) has told my child since they are a girl, they must wear a skirt. My child does not identify that way an wants to wear pants. They were told - no skirt, no performance (which means an F in the class). I'm outraged but my child doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Not sure what to do - they plan to wear a skirt, but I know they are upset because I hear them on the phone with a friend discussing it. I'm just so pissed about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

I would raise this to the next level, and keep raising it until the school acknowledged that a gendered dress code is discriminatory. I would go to bat for my child on this.

[Anonymous]

I would’ve already been on the phone with the teacher. F her.

[Anonymous]

I have a DD who is a girl and identifies as a girl but wears “ boy clothing” and has short hair. I would be pissed about this. Part of why we picked the school she goes to now is the girls can wear pants/shorts as part of the uniform. Is this orchestra connected to a school/county or completely independent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a DD who is a girl and identifies as a girl but wears “ boy clothing” and has short hair. I would be pissed about this. Part of why we picked the school she goes to now is the girls can wear pants/shorts as part of the uniform. Is this orchestra connected to a school/county or completely independent?

Part of school and worth a grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would’ve already been on the phone with the teacher. F her.

The only reason I'm not is my kid is very much in favor of not rocking the boat. But I'm so pissed! It took a lot for them to come to terms with their identity (not to mention a ton of therapy) and this just really seems to be a punch in the face.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live (generally). Is it a public or a private school? Is it possible this requirement is illegal? Is the local community likely to support you pushing back?

I live in a liberal part of North Carolina, and I can already imagine the holy hell the local mom's group would raise if we found out this was happening to a child. I feel certain our local school board would not tolerate it if the principal did not step up. In that kind of community, I would encourage my child to push back and take a stand.

However, if there is a chance pushing back will just make your child a target for more abuse, I think you should encourage them, but also respect it if they just want to go with the flow. At the end of the day, they will be the one putting themselves on the line. if they feel unsafe and do not want to push back, it's not fair to force them.

[Anonymous]

Will your kid have this teacher next year? Maybe at the end of the year you could help your teen craft a letter citing all the ways the teacher is wrong to try to help future kids.

(I do think you should let your teen decide how to handle. Maybe giving in this time will be the thing that gives them the wherewithal to handle an ignorant ass in the future, when the stakes are higher.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live (generally). Is it a public or a private school? Is it possible this requirement is illegal? Is the local community likely to support you pushing back?

I live in a liberal part of North Carolina, and I can already imagine the holy hell the local mom's group would raise if we found out this was happening to a child. I feel certain our local school board would not tolerate it if the principal did not step up. In that kind of community, I would encourage my child to push back and take a stand.

However, if there is a chance pushing back will just make your child a target for more abuse, I think you should encourage them, but also respect it if they just want to go with the flow. At the end of the day, they will be the one putting themselves on the line. if they feel unsafe and do not want to push back, it's not fair to force them.

Public school. Close in DC suburb. The school itself if fantastic. They ask all the kids on the first couple of days what name they prefer and what their pronouns are. All the teachers are very good about this (even when kids change name, pronouns mid year). It's just this one teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will your kid have this teacher next year? Maybe at the end of the year you could help your teen craft a letter citing all the ways the teacher is wrong to try to help future kids.

(I do think you should let your teen decide how to handle. Maybe giving in this time will be the thing that gives them the wherewithal to handle an ignorant ass in the future, when the stakes are higher.)

I'm not sure - I know that they have one more year of school here but I'm not sure if the teacher will stay on. The letter actually sounds like a good idea that I can offer them. I think if they feel it benefits more than just their specific situation, they might be more inclined to move forward with it.

I appreciate all these thoughts, I'm so angry about the whole thing - it just feels good to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live (generally). Is it a public or a private school? Is it possible this requirement is illegal? Is the local community likely to support you pushing back?

I live in a liberal part of North Carolina, and I can already imagine the holy hell the local mom's group would raise if we found out this was happening to a child. I feel certain our local school board would not tolerate it if the principal did not step up. In that kind of community, I would encourage my child to push back and take a stand.

However, if there is a chance pushing back will just make your child a target for more abuse, I think you should encourage them, but also respect it if they just want to go with the flow. At the end of the day, they will be the one putting themselves on the line. if they feel unsafe and do not want to push back, it's not fair to force them.

Public school. Close in DC suburb. The school itself if fantastic. They ask all the kids on the first couple of days what name they prefer and what their pronouns are. All the teachers are very good about this (even when kids change name, pronouns mid year). It's just this one teacher.

What public school district in the DC area allows teachers to mandate gendered clothing? I’m betting this teacher’s mandates violates a policy.

[Anonymous]

It’s too bad your child wants to drop it, because it seems reasonable to email the teacher and ask her why the fact your child has a vagina means they need to wear a skirt. My kids orchestra gives the musicians a choice in whether to wear dress/skirt/pants, because this is 2022.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could just ask the teacher (cc'ing a principal?) what is the authority or basis for the policy? Since that is not actually a challenge to the policy but a question about it, could that be a way to honor your teen's wish 'not make a big deal' out of it, but also perhaps lead the teacher to reconsider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live (generally). Is it a public or a private school? Is it possible this requirement is illegal? Is the local community likely to support you pushing back?

I live in a liberal part of North Carolina, and I can already imagine the holy hell the local mom's group would raise if we found out this was happening to a child. I feel certain our local school board would not tolerate it if the principal did not step up. In that kind of community, I would encourage my child to push back and take a stand.

However, if there is a chance pushing back will just make your child a target for more abuse, I think you should encourage them, but also respect it if they just want to go with the flow. At the end of the day, they will be the one putting themselves on the line. if they feel unsafe and do not want to push back, it's not fair to force them.

Public school. Close in DC suburb. The school itself if fantastic. They ask all the kids on the first couple of days what name they prefer and what their pronouns are. All the teachers are very good about this (even when kids change name, pronouns mid year). It's just this one teacher.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I understand trying to respect your DC's wishes, but could you approach their counselor about this, explaining everything you've laid out here?

I wonder if the counselor could help you address your concerns about your DC's mental health, while respecting the sensitivity of the situation and the desire not to make a big deal about this. I am guessing that the counselor might be able to go to the principal for you (it sounds like this out of step with the overall school environment).

I also think the fact that this is potentially going to result in failing the class should be flagged for the counselor.

[Anonymous]

The first thing I would do is get the correct story. This is your daughters side of the story. You say that the teacher is old school. Does she know that your child is non binary? Does she know exactly what it is? (Seriously, I don’t even know what any of it is anymore). Did your daughter actually approach the teacher about this and the teacher said firm no and that she will fail? Or is your child assuming so? Either way, I would say something. You as a parent, need to do what you think is best. I would say something. My child is black. His white teacher called him a monkey. My child didn’t want me to say anything. Hell to the no! He is not capable of understanding how some adults act inappropriately and needs to be called out on it.