Polyamorous Relationship

[Anonymous]

My sister and her husband just came out to the family as queer. What that encompasses to them means they are polyamorous and both willing to engage in sexual relations with all genders. They are currently dating a non-binary person. Our family has been supportive and surprisingly unphased. My sister is the type of person who is always slightly looking for a fight so she somehow manages to find conflict in every conversation. But the messaging from us is always “we love you. We are happy for you. We support you and want you to share with us as much as you want to.”

I recently stayed with her for several days and was shocked to see the new dynamic in her marriage. It seems like very intense communication at all times between the 3 of them, with really high highs and extremely low lows. Lots of crying and yelling and then hours of conflict resolution. My sister seems like an emotional wreck although she says she has never been happier. Is this typical for poly relationships? My sister interprets any concerns as judgement against her lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

It’s “unfazed” and not “unphased.”

You sound pretty judgmental but weirdly chuffed with yourself for “not taking the bait.” Which is a paradox.

I personally think polyamory is bunk because humans really aren’t wired that way and so there’s a fair amount of tension between cognitive dissonance and confirmation bias playing out in the dynamics. So, yeah, I reckon drama isn’t uncommon.

She doesn’t sound like a happy person in any case. At least in the way you portray her.

[Anonymous]

Do they have children?

I have a relative in a polyamorous relationship with a kid and it has been terrible for the child. Terrible.

[Anonymous]

Attracted to all genders = pansexual which is queer
poly alone is not queer though some alloscishet people think it is.

Polyamory is very common in the queer community. The above pp said that she personally thinks it's bunk because humans aren't "wired that way" is, I think, making a statement that's way too broad. While I don't think it's fair to say no human is happy like this, I do think that it's safe to say most aren't.

Is this nonbinary person AFAB? Most of the heterosexual couples that want to be poly are really just looking to add a third, almost always a woman. It's called unicorn hunting. Do they actually see this person as nonbinary or do they consider them their AGAB?

While I'm queer, I'm quite mono myself so I'm not an expert on poly relationships but some people do work well with them. OP, the description you're talking about sounds like it might not be the best relationship because often time these closed poly triad relationships often end up with one partner hurt. My understanding is that most people that are in poly relationships aren't into closed triads since they're just trying to get a unicorn to spice up a straight couple's sex life while controlling the third person and refusing to allow them to have poly relationships outside of the triad (the closed part). There's a power imbalance in these relationships.

Regardless of what you saw, it's definitely better to stay out of it and provide moral support when and if needed. Don't try to insert yourself or your opinion into the middle of this triangle. Nothing good can come of that. From my perspective, it's a lot better to be there for people from the outside when they need me than to be right in the middle of something like this.

[Anonymous]

Like all relationships, if it's a lot of work and drama, it's probably not working.

-poly woman.

[Anonymous]

Mostly it’s not your business. Assuming they’re all adults they’ll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mostly it’s not your business. Assuming they’re all adults they’ll figure it out.

I totally agree that their sex life and relationship issues are none of my business...but my sister being in emotional distress is concerning to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mostly it’s not your business. Assuming they’re all adults they’ll figure it out.

I totally agree that their sex life and relationship issues are none of my business...but my sister being in emotional distress is concerning to me.

I think you are going to have to MYOB unless she asks you for specific advice. Personally I would not stay with her again. It sounds like it was stressful for you (it would have stressed me out too!). That would be a good boundary to set up.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question, OP: no not all poly relationships (even closed triads) are high drama, and while I can understand why you’re worried about your sister, there’s not a great deal you can do about it any more than you could if you felt like her husband alone wasn’t treating her super well. I will say, your description of her/her coming out to your family does come off as somewhat uncharitable (the straight family is perfect and understanding and does no wrong, while the queer triad is “making drama” and “managing to find conflict”) so maybe work on that if you want her to take you into her confidence and listen to your advice.

[Anonymous]

Sister doesn’t sound stable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister doesn’t sound stable

Here's an observation that is likely the case...many of these folks are neurodivergent-on the spectrum somewhere. Sexuality is just another complicated relationship place for them, and they tend to forge multiple sexual connections because forging any connection is a always fraught with complications. It's less about sex and gender than people think. They have very fragile acceptance of themselves and so relationships with others is hard. The polyamory is just a way of trying to fit in somewhere, but in the end, sometimes they fit in nowhere. And nothing, nothing, nothing is ever permanent. Bonds are not long term- friends, lovers, jobs, anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer your question, OP: no not all poly relationships (even closed triads) are high drama, and while I can understand why you’re worried about your sister, there’s not a great deal you can do about it any more than you could if you felt like her husband alone wasn’t treating her super well. I will say, your description of her/her coming out to your family does come off as somewhat uncharitable (the straight family is perfect and understanding and does no wrong, while the queer triad is “making drama” and “managing to find conflict”) so maybe work on that if you want her to take you into her confidence and listen to your advice.

Ya, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they have children?

I have a relative in a polyamorous relationship with a kid and it has been terrible for the child. Terrible.

+1 I have a poly friend and her child has also experienced a lot of instability as a result.

[Anonymous]

Too many cooks.

[Anonymous]

Poly doesn’t mean you’re queer, although some cis het people label it under that umbrella. Maybe there’s something to be said for that because it’s still not a very accepted relationship dynamic. Way more people will accept you’re gay than non monogamous. As someone who is poly and has always been very careful about how it’s affected my child, I guess I’d be biased and say that doesn’t have to be true. I know a few families with ENM parents and kids who seem to be doing well. But it’s also a choice that’s out of the mainstream so I think it can attract people who might otherwise have parenting issues.

As an outsider, there’s no way to comment on your sister’s relationship. A lot of people try ENM and find it’s harder than they thought. There could be drama because it’s a new relationship—I assume? So there might be high highs and low lows. In the end, if you’re with anyone long enough—even with multiple relationships, that stuff goes away and while it does take more communication, it shouldn’t be super stressful.

Ultimately, I would stay out of it and withhold judgment. One of the most difficult things about being ENM in general is that many people (myself included) are in the closet because we do face so much judgment. We aren’t allowed to have any problems in our relationships because people will blame it all on being poly.