Seeing family member after years

[Anonymous]

Any tips for seeing family member after years of not seeing? Background is that every year and every holiday since all kids out of house and on own, dad sends invite for all kids to join. Not all kids make it every time, but most usually do, except for one that has not come to anything for last 10 years. Same one has not spoken to anyone in family (including dad) for same time period, but has kept same phone so gets all the invite calls/email/text invites every year — just hasn’t replied until this year when texted dad that may try to come. I would love to say if they do come that whole family could just “pick up where left off,” but with 10 years of no contact, believe high odds of at least some drama. If were you, would you go or skip this year? Just curious what others would do if ever in similar situation where haven’t seen family member in years. Thanks,

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to contact the sibling and been ignored or was everyone just waiting for the sibling to respond to dad’s invitation? I feel like there’s a lot of information missing. Surely the family speculated about the issue? Did you call them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried to contact the sibling and been ignored or was everyone just waiting for the sibling to respond to dad’s invitation? I feel like there’s a lot of information missing. Surely the family speculated about the issue? Did you call them?

OP: Can try to fill blanks, but has honestly been more questions than answers for us over years. During last 10, all family members have reached out at various times and by calls/emails, but never heard back. After couple years everyone else stopped except dad (a loving unconditional love model for us all to be sure as the rest of us stopped- whether b/c told ourselves we were respecting their decision to clearly not want contact or just hurt to not hear back). So for at least last 5 has only been dad that reaches out and rest stopped.

[Anonymous]

Of course, you should attend. This isn't really about you so try not to take it personally. This meeting is an opportunity for you to welcome this family member back into the group. No questions just hugs.

[Anonymous]

Your writing style is terrible. Is there another way to shield your identity?

[Anonymous]

Did you say, "What's going on? Why haven't you responded to my calls, emails, texts? Are you okay?" ever in 10 years?

[Anonymous]

You just do everything as usual, of course. Maybe your relative won’t even show up, so… don’t plan with them in mind.

[Anonymous]

OP, so are you the person who has been absent? If you are, greet immediately maybe with a self effacing joke, "I'd understand if you don't remember me!" After that, do not fell any particular pressure to live-up to any particular expectation.

If you are a relative in the presence of the long-lost person, do not gossip to others about them. Do not exaggerate the situation, don't voice speculation. Do not make them a point of conversation. Every knows, the same as you, that X hasn't been around. Greet them. Greet them as if it had been while but without making it seem like it had been a very, very long time.

[Anonymous]

My sister showed up at a family event last year after several years of virtually no contact. There was literally no drama. She and her husband showed up. Various people, myself included, chatted with her. We all had a good time although my assumption is that no one’s conversation with her went below the surface.

I’m not sure why you are assuming there will be any big deal. Just say stuff like “how was your trip into town?” Comment on the weather “isn’t it great the weather is so nice for this cookout”. Or “how is work going?”

[Anonymous]

Greet them with a ‘It’s soooo good to see you’ with a bright smile and a hug if you are a hugging family. Then introduce them to some of the under tens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Greet them with a ‘It’s soooo good to see you’ with a bright smile and a hug if you are a hugging family. Then introduce them to some of the under tens.

This. Absent any known rift in your family, my guess would be depression or something similar. Or possibly worse, something like a controlling spouse.

[Anonymous]

React nicely but not so loud or enthusiastically as to make them uncomfortable. There's a reason they have stayed away so long. Like a deer, approach in a gentle manner.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone that replied. Will come back and read these several times and follow suggestions ao I do not otherwise overthink. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

I think if all the rest of you (meaning, besides the resurfacing person) can agree ahead of time to make it light and not ask anything like,

"where have you been/why didn't you return my calls"

but only say stuff like,

"Great to see you!/I'm so happy to see you! Let me introduce you to my daughter Larla!"

It could be a really nice day for all, and the beginning of more nice events. Which would be a gift from all the siblings for your dad.

And you know, the story will come out in time. But I bet that sibling will be pretty nervous or anticipatorily defensive when they walk in, and it's got to be hard for them. So if you can get everyone else in line ahead of time to not ask questions but just be pleasant--just tell them this is not the day to satisfy years' worth of curiousity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips for seeing family member after years of not seeing? Background is that every year and every holiday since all kids out of house and on own, dad sends invite for all kids to join. Not all kids make it every time, but most usually do, except for one that has not come to anything for last 10 years. Same one has not spoken to anyone in family (including dad) for same time period, but has kept same phone so gets all the invite calls/email/text invites every year — just hasn’t replied until this year when texted dad that may try to come. I would love to say if they do come that whole family could just “pick up where left off,” but with 10 years of no contact, believe high odds of at least some drama. If were you, would you go or skip this year? Just curious what others would do if ever in similar situation where haven’t seen family member in years. Thanks,

Go. Attend. If you want to reconnect.

Don't go. Skip. If you don't want to.

Its fine either way.