Line between villanizing spouse and gaslighting kids?

[Anonymous]

Need advice and I can’t find this online …A few months ago I told my husband he needed to go to rehab and I couldn’t live with him if he continued drinking. He refuses and has seen our young children a handful of times since. He doesn’t call/FaceTime them. Sometimes he tells them he will do an activity with them but then the time comes and we don’t hear from him.
I’ve told him many times he’s always welcome to come to spend time with kids. Always always. I’ve also invited him to pool, birthday parties (neutral places) and he rarely comes.

My kids are so hurt. I tell them that he’s going through a hard time but he loves them. It almost feels like gas lighting.
How he is treating them isn’t right. And he’s not acting like he loves them. . He has stopped being a father to them in response to my asking him to move out.
They are too young to understand about alcoholism (and their did still denies he has a problem).
Does anyone have any experience with this? I’m trying to navigate this with as little harm to my kids as possible

[Anonymous]

My mom did some well-intentioned gal lighting of me in a similar situation and I think it had a really negative impact. Don’t badmouth him obviously but just let them say how they’re feeling without countering with “he loves you.” Don’t make it into the poor wounded daddy show either.

[Anonymous]

You posted before. Move on. You kicked him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You posted before. Move on. You kicked him out.

Yikes. I am. Not waffling in the choice. Looking for insight on how to help my kids.

[Anonymous]

Daddy has some problems he's working on and right now it's not safe for him to live with us.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. It's a heartbreaker (been there). The above PP's response is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted before. Move on. You kicked him out.

Yikes. I am. Not waffling in the choice. Looking for insight on how to help my kids.

No one said you were waffling but no need to post here multiple times. You tell them what the pp said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom did some well-intentioned gal lighting of me in a similar situation and I think it had a really negative impact. Don’t badmouth him obviously but just let them say how they’re feeling without countering with “he loves you.” Don’t make it into the poor wounded daddy show either.

+1
You can validate their feelings without villainizing him. "It hurt your feelings that Daddy missed your birthday." "You're angry that he didn't call when he promised to." Don't make excuses for him; as appropriate, you can give some version of "Daddy has some problems he's working on and right now it's not safe for him to live with us." But don't link "Daddy loves you" with his failures to show up or call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You posted before. Move on. You kicked him out.

Yikes. I am. Not waffling in the choice. Looking for insight on how to help my kids.

No one said you were waffling but no need to post here multiple times. You tell them what the pp said.

Oh, thats right! There is a list of DCUM rules including "only post once if you have an actual query, but if you are a former mean girl, post all you want".