How do you respond to complaints from neighbors about elderly parent?

[Anonymous]

I have posted before. Mom refuses to move to residential and I am not POA. Sibling with POA is not in area and lives in denial. Mom has stopped asking neighbors for favors, but her new hobby is sending them angry emails. (She was the one years ago who thought it was a good idea to have a neighborhood email and phone list). My number has been passed around by the neighbors who have it for emergency contact. I refuse to gaslight anyone and my mom is pretty awful to me, so empathize a lot. I also feel like I have to respect her right to medical privacy, though to be honest, I think a lot is hidden from me. I think she told the case manager not to tell me much because she was so livid I made her hire one.

So this is how I handle it and I would like to know what others do. I apologized and said I wish she had not done that. I said she has a lot of hostility toward me and I got many angry texts, emails and calls and stopped responding to anything that was hostile.I said I will share this info with her doctors. I said I understand completely if they decide to block her emails. I said that while I think she would be happier in a retirement setting with peers and more social activities, that is not her wish and I have no sway with her. I let my sibling know the situation and she just said that it's not a big deal and they should just ignore it if they don't like it. She paid for her house and isn't harming them.

I am the one who posted wondering if she has either the frontal lobe form of Alzeheimer's or FTL Dementia-behavioral variant since she passes the dementia screen. If she had an actual diagnosis I would get her permission to share this is the disease talking. The thing is she always had this streak, she just was more receptive to hearing from people that she cannot behave that way.

How do you all handle complaints from neighbors?

[Anonymous]

I would block their numbers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would block their numbers.

OP here. LOL. The thing is, as much as I resent her and she treats me far worse, if there is an emergency I would have no way of knowing if I block their numbers. Also, I do feel for them. I find her hostility quite jarring and I can only imagine what it is like to open your email only to find some nastiness from the old lady down the street obsessing about something inane.

[Anonymous]

I would not block their numbers, in case there's a true emergency (i.e. she falls down or is unconscious). Tell them you are aware of this problem, that there's nothing you can do about it. You are sorry for the impact on them, you appreciate their concern but please don't take the trouble to contact you unless it's a true emergency.

[Anonymous]

A residential facility may evict her for similar behavior- so staying where she is may be for the best anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A residential facility may evict her for similar behavior- so staying where she is may be for the best anyway.

Usually at a facility you can negotiate if they threaten to terminate, use a case manager who knows the right things to say and medicate to ease hostile behavior.

[Anonymous]

I would have an email ready to send to every frustrated neighbor:

I would apologize for my mother's behavior (even thought it's not your fault), explain that she likely has some form for dementia which currently is making her very hostile, including towards myself, and that sadly I have no power to move her to a nursing home, despite multiple entreaties on my part. That they are welcome to ignore her, and if she escalates even more, to call the police and keep me apprised, in case documentation of her behavior allows me to transfer her to another facility. Apologize again, thanks for caring, sympathy about living next to a difficult neighbor, blah blah blah, best regards, You.

Because one day you might need them on your side, OP. Don't just ignore the neighbor's emails. They've done nothing wrong here. You are all victims of the dementia she very clearly has. She's in the aggressive phase right now, which means she's not actually in the early stages - she's in the middle of her progression.

[Anonymous]

Give them your siblings information. My dad does that and gives out my information as I am local. Sibling is poa so I give them her information.

[Anonymous]

Say you aren’t the POA and give sister’s phone-email. She’s in denial because she’s not being bothered by the neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think you’re saying too much. I’d apologize for her behavior and tell them know you’ll discuss it with her. If it’s something where you can actually fix it I’d let them know what you’re going to do. But the long ramblings are unnecessary and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say you aren’t the POA and give sister’s phone-email. She’s in denial because she’s not being bothered by the neighbors.

I'd do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say you aren’t the POA and give sister’s phone-email. She’s in denial because she’s not being bothered by the neighbors.

I'd do this.

A POA only letters after you can’t care for yourself and are incompetent. Even sister couldn’t fix this even if she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have an email ready to send to every frustrated neighbor:

I would apologize for my mother's behavior (even thought it's not your fault), explain that she likely has some form for dementia which currently is making her very hostile, including towards myself, and that sadly I have no power to move her to a nursing home, despite multiple entreaties on my part. That they are welcome to ignore her, and if she escalates even more, to call the police and keep me apprised, in case documentation of her behavior allows me to transfer her to another facility. Apologize again, thanks for caring, sympathy about living next to a difficult neighbor, blah blah blah, best regards, You.

Because one day you might need them on your side, OP. Don't just ignore the neighbor's emails. They've done nothing wrong here. You are all victims of the dementia she very clearly has. She's in the aggressive phase right now, which means she's not actually in the early stages - she's in the middle of her progression.

I th8nk this is excellent advice OP, 8ncluding the part about how occasional reports to the police, while an awful thing, may actually be useful at some point. Hang in there - it sounds to me like you are handling this about as well as you possibly can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have an email ready to send to every frustrated neighbor:

I would apologize for my mother's behavior (even thought it's not your fault), explain that she likely has some form for dementia which currently is making her very hostile, including towards myself, and that sadly I have no power to move her to a nursing home, despite multiple entreaties on my part. That they are welcome to ignore her, and if she escalates even more, to call the police and keep me apprised, in case documentation of her behavior allows me to transfer her to another facility. Apologize again, thanks for caring, sympathy about living next to a difficult neighbor, blah blah blah, best regards, You.

Because one day you might need them on your side, OP. Don't just ignore the neighbor's emails. They've done nothing wrong here. You are all victims of the dementia she very clearly has. She's in the aggressive phase right now, which means she's not actually in the early stages - she's in the middle of her progression.

This is excellent advice. I'd also copy your sister and case manager on these so they're also aware of her behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for responses. Sister and CM are aware. I may give sister's number simply as a wake up call because she tends to minimize things. I haven't ignored their the neighbors. As I said I acknowledge and I don't gaslight them. I let them know she is worse for me, I am sorry and I am passing on the info to the professionals. I agree that I don't want to block them because I need to know if there is an emergency.I also may tell them I respect their wishes if they block her, but it may be helpful to tell her stop. I know one neighbor told her off a year ago for similar behavior and she didn't mess with her again as far as I know. She and my dad had a lot of conflict and I almost wonder if she is trying to get a need met by starting drama.