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LGBTQIA+ Issues and Relationship Discussion
12 year old daughter just said she might not be a girl
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Anonymous
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OK, this is anonymous and I need to figure this crap out.... She's been out in terms of saying she likes girls for well over two years. It took me just a short amount of time to wrap my brain around that, mostly because she had had a big crush on a boy for a while and this changed my thinking. When she was crushing on the boy, I remember saying to my husband, "well, that's a piece of information we now know, i.e. she's straight." So when that turned out not to be true, it just took me a minute.
But we're on board, encouraged her to join her middle school's Pride Club, and all is good. Last night, after they "mental health day" at school, she was distraught. She came home with all kind of issues - she's depressed (her dad and I are having issues and she heard us fighting, oops, will work on that); thinks she has OCD, and thinks she might be a boy. I unpacked it all as much as I could, and when I asked how long she's been feeling that way, it was "about a year", i.e. right around the time that she joined Pride Club, where quite a few kids are trans and is mostly boys. So I'm just.... skeptical might be the word. But if I'm being totally honest, I just don't want it to be true. I could see her being fairly gender nonconforming, but this idea that she IS a boy just doesn't quite ring true for me. How do I navigate this? What I would up saying is the same I said back when she came out two years ago - let's sit with this, see where you flow with it, see if it's fluid or not, and keep the conversation going. But in my head I'm thinking "I just don't want this." I get it's not my decision. How do I put my own crap aside and be there for her??? She wants more masculine clothing, so that is something easy I can do this weekend. |
Anonymous
| Oh, meant to add, she asked to see a counselor (a bit ago) and after weeks of calling I finally got her in somewhere and she'll go next week. Thank god. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry your daughter is feeling depressed. Sounds like she has a lot on her plate. I have seen from my child’s friend group (that has been together since early elementary, so friendships were based on what they liked to do at recess - and it wasn’t sports). That out of 8 of them, only one identifies as straight. The others all identify as gay/trans/bi/asexual (you name it). I find this statistically impossible that this could be the case (again stressing that they didn’t find each other in an affinity group). I don’t think you will know what your daughter truly identifies as sexually and gender wise until she’s a bit older and has had a chance to mature. |
Anonymous
| I'm right there with you, except it's my 14 yo son. He has anxiety and OCD tendencies when anxiety is out of control. Between social media, unrealistic gender ideals and increasing talk about gender fluidity (or whatever), kids are all over the place with their identities and sexuality. They are too young to know who or what they are. Puberty, hormones and changing bodies are stressful enough without all this other crap. |
Anonymous
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Have her see a counselor for a few months, stop fighting (or at least hide it), talk to the counselor in March and make a plan.
Until then there is nothing you need to do. |
Anonymous
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OP, I keep thinking about your post and I think at 12, I could have said I didn't feel like a girl either. That was the 70's, and it wasn't in our language though. I was a tom-boy through and through, and would rather sit in the dirt than do anything girly at all. In my teens I said I never wanted to get married or have kids; hated babysitting or being around babies etc. Wore boy clothes.
All these decades later and I'm a wife, a mom, and still the same tomboy. I don't "feel right" in girly clothes, and power tools are my friend and I can also crochet a baby blanket. I'm planning a shopping trip to Duluth Trading (my new fav find!!). But I am a girl, I'm just very different from girls who like to do girly things. You're on the right path supporting her and getting her counseling for her depression. Just wanted to throw out a different life experience. If I had to say I'm a girl or boy at 12, who knows what I would have said. Probably lots more boy than girl. |
Anonymous
| I mean, the schools and her peers are putting these ideas in her head. She probably isn’t trans, though— she is trying on identities and that is ok. She will go through a lot of these phases and pronouncements in the years ahead so just roll with it. |
Anonymous
| There's a lot to unpack. Is your child on social media? Have you talked about gender norms and expectations and stereotypes? Is this misogyny? Support and validate your daughter's feelings, but know that if she had body dysmorphia and felt she should have been born male, this would absolutely not be the first you hear of it. |
Anonymous
This has been the exact same experience with my daughter’s friend group. I too am trying to be supportive and non-judgmental but it all comes at you pretty fast once they hit 12 or so, and I’m quite honestly a little confused. Just offering support, OP. There are a lot of parents feeling like you do. |
Anonymous
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Just listen and wait. There is nothing else to do while all these youngsters percolate through their feelings and hormones and attempts to fit in. I roll my eye internally at all this emoting and feel it's not quite fair to children in the throes of real gender struggle. Also, there are tween migrants freezing to death in Belarus, and tween on drowning island nations that will soon be stateless, but our kids are firmly navel-gazing their way through adolescence and making mountains out of molehills. They don't have enough perspective to relativize their emotions. I have decided to increase our volunteering for the hungry and homeless of the world, so my children can appreciate what real suffering looks like. |
Anonymous
| I am so sorry OP. I have a friend who went through this, and while she struggled, ultimately she supported her son. Meanwhile I have a kid with likely bipolar and I can’t deal with it. I guess g*d only gives us as much as we can handle? |
Anonymous
This. My kids friends who turned from girls into boys or vice versa did it for attention seeking and are now back to their biological genders. I think we will look back upon this time and think our schools went too far with this, which in turn confused a lot of kids and resulted in a lot of misplaced attention-seeking behavior. Of course there are real situations but the numbers don't line up. |
Anonymous
So true! |
Anonymous
The social media factor is a big part of it, too. The TikTok accounts of the kids (by which I mostly mean girls) who go down this road around 12/13 are almost identical as far as what they’re into. |
Anonymous
| Puberty is confusing, for many girls especially. She doesn't have "to decide" who she is right now for the rest of her life. |