Sister Dynamics: Seeking Advice

[Anonymous]

I think 10 yo is struggling. This is not a sibling issue really, it’s about her acting out and it doesn’t really have anything to do with sibling. After all, jealousy is really about being unhappy and less about what the other person is doing.

10 yo needs a lot of empathy and support right now since she is crying out for some attention. You can do that while also reinforcing boundaries - ie she can’t crap on her sisters activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 10 yo is struggling. This is not a sibling issue really, it’s about her acting out and it doesn’t really have anything to do with sibling. After all, jealousy is really about being unhappy and less about what the other person is doing.

10 yo needs a lot of empathy and support right now since she is crying out for some attention. You can do that while also reinforcing boundaries - ie she can’t crap on her sisters activity.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 year old needs an activity—preferably sports. Tell her she can or you can pick, but she’s doing something.

bad advice. 10 yo needs an activity she enjoys. that should be the main criterion. the next ones should be cost and time. what school of parenting is this "you're playing rec soccer or else!" kind of bs? let the kid play drums and take pottery classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

This. Protect your eight year old.

[Anonymous]

Also consider that 10 yo is old enough to be left home alone instead of taking her to younger sister’s game. She does not have to come with you. Perhaps the opportunity for some independence will help her attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

This is a great way to get your children to hate you and not speak to you as an adult.

Of course the 10-year-old is bored, but, it doesn't give them a hall pass to be an a**hole the whole time and complain. Acknowledge that practice is boring, tell your 10 year old they need to bring something to do. Maybe there is something you could do together? Tell them whining is not acceptable, and let them know the consequence for whining. This is parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

This is a great way to get your children to hate you and not speak to you as an adult.

I disagree. I’m not as strict about whining as pp, but letting kids whine incessantly teaches them nothing about communication and it wires their brain to focus on the negative, ultimately making them an unhappy person. “Asked and answered” is a good phrase to have on hand when kids pester or whine for something and you’ve already said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much good advice above. The 10 year old needs her own thing.

This sounds like normal kid stuff and not therapy-requiring.

+1 Group therapy for a ten year old with a best friend? Some of you all make this parenting thing way more complicated than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much good advice above. The 10 year old needs her own thing.

This sounds like normal kid stuff and not therapy-requiring.

+1 Group therapy for a ten year old with a best friend? Some of you all make this parenting thing way more complicated than it needs to be.

OP here. Therapy wasn’t for this issue. Mostly for emotional regulation and communication/social skills. I very much care about my 10yo which is why I’m asking for advice. I didn’t grow up with siblings or even cousins so I don’t know what is typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much good advice above. The 10 year old needs her own thing.

This sounds like normal kid stuff and not therapy-requiring.

+1 Group therapy for a ten year old with a best friend? Some of you all make this parenting thing way more complicated than it needs to be.

OP here. Therapy wasn’t for this issue. Mostly for emotional regulation and communication/social skills. I very much care about my 10yo which is why I’m asking for advice. I didn’t grow up with siblings or even cousins so I don’t know what is typical.

DP. It’s typical to favor the youngest, and the other kids to be resentful. “Typical” can be bad, and you obviously favor the 8 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell the 10 yr old to cut the shit. In our house, if you whine once you get a warning to stop. If you whine a second time, you get sent to your room and can only come out when you're ready to talk without whining. You're only allowed to complain about something once -again, if you complain a second time you get told we already heard you the first time and go to your room and come out when you're ready to talk about other things.

Ten is not allowed to watch or otherwise interfere with Eight's practice. If she has nothing nice to say she needs to keep her mouth shut. Why aren't you parenting your kids?

This is a great way to get your children to hate you and not speak to you as an adult.

Of course the 10-year-old is bored, but, it doesn't give them a hall pass to be an a**hole the whole time and complain. Acknowledge that practice is boring, tell your 10 year old they need to bring something to do. Maybe there is something you could do together? Tell them whining is not acceptable, and let them know the consequence for whining. This is parenting.

So, the youngest is allowed to only think about herself, but the oldest isn’t? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family don't get a pass at being rude. Always keep that in mind. Older sisters don't get a pass, because they are older, at belittling siblings. That includes sarcasm. Sarcasm is bullying.

Op, you are a long ways from this, this will happen when they are near-adults (ideally). They are equals. They are peers. "Older" is unimportant and does not get to lead/guide/dominate.

Are you the oldest child? It’s natural, it’s not right but when your the biggest and first born you tend to dominate your siblings. Not all of the time but sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 10 yo is struggling. This is not a sibling issue really, it’s about her acting out and it doesn’t really have anything to do with sibling. After all, jealousy is really about being unhappy and less about what the other person is doing.

10 yo needs a lot of empathy and support right now since she is crying out for some attention. You can do that while also reinforcing boundaries - ie she can’t crap on her sisters activity.

I agree with this. But I’d opt for a combo “cut the shit” and trying to have some deeper talks about what’s up with my 10 y/o. In a calm moment you need to discuss how you won’t tolerate her dumping on her sister’s activity or mocking her. But also, what’s up and let’s figure out a way forward with this new activity. She’ll need to be able to attend *some* of the time without throwing a tantrum. What could you do to entice her that time might be fun for her too.

[Anonymous]

You need to look at it as not allowing the 10 year old to rob the 8 year old of their joy. Find very separate activites and foster those on an individual basis. Your 10 year old's behavior is making an imprint on the happiness of your 8 year old. This will create major problems now and into the future. Next time, send the 10 year old to a friend's house or get a neighborhood teen to watch her while you take the 8 year old to their activity.

This is on you OP. Your 10 year old has issues and you need to shield the 8 year old from their older sibling until you can get the 10 year old proper help.

[Anonymous]

The problem imo is the 10yo looks at the 8yo like a rival instead of a friend. Perhaps the 8yo gets in less trouble/does better in some way than the 10yo? This can make the 10yo resentful that you appear to be favoring the 8yo. I would focus on trying to improve the family dynamic rather than force 10yo to find an activity.