Starting to feel suffocated by teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her what you have to give. "I'm happy to listen to the details of the fight Emily had with Olivia - sit here and peel the potatoes while you tell me."

"I'm going to read for a half hour now, but you're welcome to grab your book and read with me too."

But I'd also make sure I'm giving some of the type of attention she wants each day too. Around that age my DD wanted to tell me all her school/friend drama. I think she wanted to hear a balanced opinion that was far-removed and not dramatic. So I spent a lot of time listening. We went on a lot of walks together.

This is how teens learn the skills to become adults— like learning to cook while venting to you. Let her know that you’re happy to listen to her, but you need her help while doing it as well.

Yep, this is good. Don't EVER turn her away. But you can set some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her what you have to give. "I'm happy to listen to the details of the fight Emily had with Olivia - sit here and peel the potatoes while you tell me."

"I'm going to read for a half hour now, but you're welcome to grab your book and read with me too."

But I'd also make sure I'm giving some of the type of attention she wants each day too. Around that age my DD wanted to tell me all her school/friend drama. I think she wanted to hear a balanced opinion that was far-removed and not dramatic. So I spent a lot of time listening. We went on a lot of walks together.

Perfect.

[Anonymous]

^ yeah, we need examples

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow why did you have children?

Something is bothering her it is your job to figure this out.

I am not the OP and this is very rude. A mother is allowed to want to have some time/space for herself without being criticized.

DP. I’m allowed to want 100 billion dollars, but I’m not allowed to steal it. It’s hard to be a mother, but it’s her job.

I completely disagree. It is not a mother's job to completely put her wants and needs aside for her kids. It's just not. She is also a person. And really, it's beside the point bc the OP ISN'T turning her daughter away, she just wishes she could sometimes.

+1 She can tend to her daughter’s needs without giving the child EXACTLY what she demands 24/7. OP is just expressing a desire for a little bit of downtime, not to leave home on a monthlong vacation. The parent’s job is to raise a confident and competent adult, and catering to their every whim often works against this.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out why this suddenly. Something may be happening at school.

[Anonymous]

My DD was like this. Until maybe 14 and now she usually wants nothing to do with me. I know it’s said a lot but you’ll miss this time.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, none of my kids are like this. They all are fine doing their own thing. Oldest is 15 and youngest is 7. My 7 year old isn’t even like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her what you have to give. "I'm happy to listen to the details of the fight Emily had with Olivia - sit here and peel the potatoes while you tell me."

"I'm going to read for a half hour now, but you're welcome to grab your book and read with me too."

But I'd also make sure I'm giving some of the type of attention she wants each day too. Around that age my DD wanted to tell me all her school/friend drama. I think she wanted to hear a balanced opinion that was far-removed and not dramatic. So I spent a lot of time listening. We went on a lot of walks together.

This is how teens learn the skills to become adults— like learning to cook while venting to you. Let her know that you’re happy to listen to her, but you need her help while doing it as well.

Yep, this is good. Don't EVER turn her away. But you can set some boundaries.

It also is a way to teach her how to be a mom herself one day. She will remember how you took the time to listen to her, but also continued to manage your own priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a “you’re going to miss this” thing and the moment I hit ‘submit’ on this post she won’t want to hang out anymore, but, lately DD13 wants to spend a TON of time with me, and not just time adjacent to me doing what I’m doing, but me doing exactly what she wants to do, and without distraction. Example: She wants to spend time together but I’m making dinner, she won’t sit at the counter and talk with me. After dinner when in just want a moment, she wants attention, only she won’t just sit and read with me, or sit quietly on the deck with me, she wants me to do exactly what she’s wants to do, no distraction.

I don’t remember being like this with my mother, and we were close. I would talk with her while she gardened, walked with her, etc. With DD, I feel guilty if I say no because I don’t want her to think I choose other things before her, but also, I feel a little smothered. DH is currently working long hours on a job and isn’t home until after we are all in bed, so I think that’s part of the issue: I have no alone time right now. Any advice?

OK, sorry. But after dinner, she wants to spend time with you. That is okay with you if you don't have to talk to her. GMAB. What do you mean be "exactly what she wants to do"? Sounds like she wants to talk to her mother. This makes me very sad for her.

If cooking, gardening, other things need to be done- of course include her, teach her, tell her its part of her chores. Go for walks with her. But don't avoid talking with your DD for goodness sake. What if not everything is totally okay and she's being clingy because she's working her way up to telling you something? Or a million other things.

I am working, single mother of two so it's not that I don't understand time to oneself. But just looking at this post you are sounding a little selfish OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is a “you’re going to miss this” thing and the moment I hit ‘submit’ on this post she won’t want to hang out anymore, but, lately DD13 wants to spend a TON of time with me, and not just time adjacent to me doing what I’m doing, but me doing exactly what she wants to do, and without distraction. Example: She wants to spend time together but I’m making dinner, she won’t sit at the counter and talk with me. After dinner when in just want a moment, she wants attention, only she won’t just sit and read with me, or sit quietly on the deck with me, she wants me to do exactly what she’s wants to do, no distraction.

I don’t remember being like this with my mother, and we were close. I would talk with her while she gardened, walked with her, etc. With DD, I feel guilty if I say no because I don’t want her to think I choose other things before her, but also, I feel a little smothered. DH is currently working long hours on a job and isn’t home until after we are all in bed, so I think that’s part of the issue: I have no alone time right now. Any advice?

OK, sorry. But after dinner, she wants to spend time with you. That is okay with you if you don't have to talk to her. GMAB. What do you mean be "exactly what she wants to do"? Sounds like she wants to talk to her mother. This makes me very sad for her.

If cooking, gardening, other things need to be done- of course include her, teach her, tell her its part of her chores. Go for walks with her. But don't avoid talking with your DD for goodness sake. What if not everything is totally okay and she's being clingy because she's working her way up to telling you something? Or a million other things.

I am working, single mother of two so it's not that I don't understand time to oneself. But just looking at this post you are sounding a little selfish OP.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow why did you have children?

Something is bothering her it is your job to figure this out.

I am not the OP and this is very rude. A mother is allowed to want to have some time/space for herself without being criticized.

DP. I’m allowed to want 100 billion dollars, but I’m not allowed to steal it. It’s hard to be a mother, but it’s her job.

This preachy attitude is exactly why so many mothers have depression. You are horrible.

I feel bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow why did you have children?

Something is bothering her it is your job to figure this out.

I am not the OP and this is very rude. A mother is allowed to want to have some time/space for herself without being criticized.

DP. I’m allowed to want 100 billion dollars, but I’m not allowed to steal it. It’s hard to be a mother, but it’s her job.

This preachy attitude is exactly why so many mothers have depression. You are horrible.

I feel bad for your kids.

I feel bad for your kids that you'll need to baby your whole life and then abandoned when you die.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the negative posters. They haven’t experienced this. It could be a normal behavior, but it could also be OCD or PDA (@pdanorthamerica or @lindsayisdoingherbest on IG for more). Is she talking non-stop (could be ADHD) or info dumping (could be ASD)?

I’d try to give her one hour of uninterrupted attention every evening, and otherwise set boundaries. “I need some quiet time so I can wind down for my day. You are welcome to sit with me and read if you’d like.” If you try to fill her cup first, she might be more able to deal with your need for quiet time.

[Anonymous]

It also may be that you have resentment over DH working late, and are channeling those feelings onto your DD. That would explain why her wanting to hang out with you feels so upsetting.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you cannot cook with your teenage daughter? I would be THRILLED if my teen daughter (16) wanted to learn to cook with me, lol! Kids need to learn there is a "not right now" boundary for sure, but think of it this way, LW: in five years, your kid is gone. Off to college. That changes everything. She still wants to be around you and seeks you out for company. In a few years, that will change.

Your DD might also be lonely if school is a social desert for her. Teen girls can be really mean, OP. Is she sitting alone at lunch at school sometimes? What is her day like? Have you asked? When kids feel like they don't fit in at school very well, they might lean on a parent or sibling harder for connection, and conversation. You know, just to be seen, and maybe heard.

Food for thought.