Check on Son?

[Anonymous]

Just got a call from son in college. He has never really communicated his feelings but broke down to me on the phone. He is stressed about school and other issues. At one point he hung up because he was so emotional and I panicked when he didn't pick up the first time I called him back. He calmed down a bit when we ended our call but I am sick with worry because this is so out of character. Is it a bad idea to go check on him? He is within a couple hours drive.

[Anonymous]

Sure, go. He's in finals, right? My son shuts down when he's stressed. Last night it was like pulling teeth to get 3 words out of him, because his finals are coming up this week. We're going down next WE to help him move anyway, so I just wished him good luck and reminded him to EAT and SLEEP. But if you think your son is somewhere beyond normal stress, yes, it won't hurt to visit him now.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would go up and visit. I would also be researching campus resources for support if he is open to them.

[Anonymous]

I would go, no question. Even just to take him to dinner.

[Anonymous]

You mean go and show up without telling him you’re coming? No, I wouldn’t do that. You need to communicate that you are there for him, you know he can handle the pressure of finals, but if he wants you to come to him to take him out for a meal, you’re happy to do so.

But if you panic, you’re sending him the message that this is a huge deal, that he clearly cant handle tough situations. That crying is worth needing rescue. Be there for him; offer support, but don’t rush to rescue unless he actually talks about suicide or suicidal ideation or displays other mental health issues. Being stressed out and crying is not a mental health crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean go and show up without telling him you’re coming? No, I wouldn’t do that. You need to communicate that you are there for him, you know he can handle the pressure of finals, but if he wants you to come to him to take him out for a meal, you’re happy to do so.

But if you panic, you’re sending him the message that this is a huge deal, that he clearly cant handle tough situations. That crying is worth needing rescue. Be there for him; offer support, but don’t rush to rescue unless he actually talks about suicide or suicidal ideation or displays other mental health issues. Being stressed out and crying is not a mental health crisis.

A lot of kids, including my own, wouldn’t want to trouble their parents by having them come. This isn’t about panic, this is “caretaking of someone you love.” My mom had breast cancer when I was a teen and my husband’s dad died when he was a teen. This has impacted our parenting. If you can, why would you miss the opportunity to go out to dinner with your son and give them a hug? It may be something he remembers for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean go and show up without telling him you’re coming? No, I wouldn’t do that. You need to communicate that you are there for him, you know he can handle the pressure of finals, but if he wants you to come to him to take him out for a meal, you’re happy to do so.

But if you panic, you’re sending him the message that this is a huge deal, that he clearly cant handle tough situations. That crying is worth needing rescue. Be there for him; offer support, but don’t rush to rescue unless he actually talks about suicide or suicidal ideation or displays other mental health issues. Being stressed out and crying is not a mental health crisis.

A lot of kids, including my own, wouldn’t want to trouble their parents by having them come. This isn’t about panic, this is “caretaking of someone you love.” My mom had breast cancer when I was a teen and my husband’s dad died when he was a teen. This has impacted our parenting. If you can, why would you miss the opportunity to go out to dinner with your son and give them a hug? It may be something he remembers for the rest of his life.

Yes, go and also be prepared that there may not be time for dinner. But showing up can be a tremendous balm for a lurching soul.

[Anonymous]

Go

[Anonymous]

This sounds somewhat similar to a friend’s dd. She was overwhelmed with end of semester deadlines ( and had procrastinated on much). However, my friend had family nearby so went and spent a few days just basically going thru all class deadlines, helping organize, and knocking down deadlines one by one.

My dh and I discussed how are parents would have never done that, with one child we never needed to, but our youngest gets a bit of this. However, they are studying abroad so we can’t just “ go” but we support over the phone.

My attitude has softened. Yes, if they are truly messing up they should pay the consequences. But, if they have anxiety, the overwhelmed type, then maybe just offer to go, be the structure - just don’t do the work!

Wishing your ds well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got a call from son in college. He has never really communicated his feelings but broke down to me on the phone. He is stressed about school and other issues. At one point he hung up because he was so emotional and I panicked when he didn't pick up the first time I called him back. He calmed down a bit when we ended our call but I am sick with worry because this is so out of character. Is it a bad idea to go check on him? He is within a couple hours drive.

Please get in the car and go. Just go.

[Anonymous]

Just go, OP. Take him for lunch or dinner, if time allows. Otherwise leave a care package, hug him and tell him you love him.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who say you shouldn’t overreact. You want him to feel he can share his feelings with you without you going overboard. Unless this is a real crisis, you can support him best by keeping cool.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go without warning, but I would send him a text saying something like “thinking of coming your way this afternoon; can we take you out for dinner?” so he gets to be in control of whether he sees you or not but doesn’t have to ask you to come.

[Anonymous]

Update op?

[Anonymous]

annnnd it's mommy to the rescue!

Let the kid grow up.

If he had called you from the front lines of Afghanistan would you have gotten on a plane?