Need Advice on Au Pair Situation
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Anonymous
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My family (me, wife, 2 year old and newborn) has an au pair. She’s our first, and has been with us since March 2023. A few things have happened along the way that my wife and I have been trying to navigate. We sometimes wonder if we are seeing things clearly, so we are looking to Reddit for some objectivity on what’s reasonable here and what other families might do in our position.
Historically, our au pair initially started with us when we had an 15 month old, and worked 9AM-6PM. When our child turned 18 months old, we started sending him to school from 9AM - 1PM so that he would be socialized. Our au pair schedule did not make anymore sense to us, so we changed it to 15 minutes drop off at 8:45AM, 15 minutes pick up at 12:45PM. Then basically 1-7PM Monday - Friday, except Wednesday which was our date night, until 10PM. Sunday was 2 hours of work at a flexible time that we negotiated. Our au pair wasn’t too happy about this, didn't want to work Sundays or late on Wednesdays, however in the end after a bit of protest, she accepted it. We told her a few times in advance of the baby that we would be needing more help from her in the morning until my wife recovers and we both find our rhythm with our growing family. Now that the newborn is here, I showed her her new schedule with two weeks advanced notice of the change, and said that I would need this from her for four weeks while my wife was in recovery and she resisted. She said it was too many hours and she doesn’t want to work that early in the morning. The hours are: 7:30AM-9:30AM and 12PM-7PM Mon - Fri (Fri ends at 6PM). No weekends. She was not happy with it, and advised me that the schedule is too demanding and that she would have a difficult time having a personal life. I advised her that I didn't want to hire another source of help and that the change was temporary, but also that I needed her adaptable for an evolving situation, and she ended up acquiescing. However, she doesn't seem so happy with it, and I’m worried that even though she has agreed to the schedule, she will build resentment. My wife and I feel weird about the whole situation. We signed up for an au pair experience and really made an effort to make her happy and ease the load. Suddenly she’s more like a live-out nanny and it’s hard to figure out how to proceed in a situation like this. I don't really care that she lives with her husband (see extra details below), but rather the question is, are we being too demanding as the host family? How would others perceive this situation? Are we unreasonable? Hoping to hear from au pair and host family alike. Extra Details - Our au pair is fantastic with our son. We truly feel she loves him and we know he loves her back. They have a special bond, and we can see her being part of future family events, visiting her in her home country, being part of her life and staying in touch for ages. We trust her and can tell she truly looks after him like a little brother of her own. - We try to be very reasonable with her. When she asks to switch her schedule, or when we are available to let her end the day early, we do so. Until the newborn, my wife got our son ready every morning, fed him breakfast, packed his lunch. The au pair was responsible for getting him to school. Food prep was almost entirely my wife unless she had a tough day and couldn’t get around to it. We don’t want our au pair to feel the home is too demanding and we check in weekly at family meetings on how she is feeling - always ending the meeting by asking if she’s had time for self care. - Our au pair has a boyfriend here, and over time she has spent more and more time at his place. I can’t remember the last time she slept here. Over the holidays, the two of them got married and she fully moved out of our home. Her bedroom is empty. She didn’t consult us on this change. We are not her parents and she should feel like an adult. We are happy for her, the two of them are soulmates and really adorable together. However, we turned around one day and suddenly she wasn’t living here. Part of the au pair experience is sharing a home and exchanging culture together, both of which is pretty limited when you don’t live with the person. She is only here working hours. - She naps in our son’s room during the day. She told my wife she just likes his room, but after I pressured her to open up she admitted that her mattress smells funny. We would be inclined to have it professionally cleaned but she doesn’t even live here now or keep sheets/pillows on her bed. |
Anonymous
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I think ultimately it comes down to whether your needs match what she is willing to accept. I can understand her feeling frustrated by several significant schedule shifts during her first year, though it sounds like you’ve done your best to give her a heads up and make things reasonable for her. At the same time, if this is the schedule you need, it’s what you need! You both have the option to rematch, and while you have every right to change the schedule, she has every right to feel bummed about it.
I do think it’s strange that she moved out without talking to you, fwiw, and not living with you is probably related to this - a 2.5 break in a split shift is one thing if you’re at home and can maximize it, another thing entirely if you have to commute back and forth within that time. Ultimately it sounds like you’re uncomfortable with her being resentful - I would be too - so is there anything you could do to sweeten the deal? Maybe she doesn’t work the full 44/45 hours every week, in acknowledgment of her flexibility. |
Anonymous
| I thought Au Pairs aren’t allowed to watch a baby until they are 3 months old. |
Anonymous
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Ok there are some things here that are normal AP conflicts and some things that are totally unusual.
-The schedule is a lot but also not unreasonable. Regarding the Sundays, even though it's only 2 hours, APs are supposed to have at least one full weekend off a month - are you taking that into account? -napping in your son's room is weird/a little inappropriate. -you buried the lede in your post - it strikes me as completely surprising that she has continued to work for you after moving out and getting married. That is not a normal AP situation. Does your LCC know? I think most APs that get married during their year end up changing their visa status and quitting. She must truly love your son as you say to continue working for you. That said, I assume she is not extending? March 2024 is around the corner, won't all of your concerns be moot within a few weeks? Or is she actually going to stay on as a live-out au pair for additional months or an additional year? -I'm sure the split schedule is inconvenient for her given that she's no longer living with you, and that's causing resentment, but again that's completely abnormal that she's not living with you and against the program rules. |
Anonymous
| Are you paying her more to deal with all of your life changes? A bonus or extra days off might make it more acceptable. Sounds like you work her to the bone. |
Anonymous
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The getting married and moving out part is weird. She’s known the guy less than a year?
The fact you are quoting using her exactly 45 hours is probably why she has resentment. If your wife is home with a newborn anyway can’t you all let the au pair get off at at 6 instead of 7 like she used to? |
Anonymous
| Is this a copy of a Reddit post or did OP post this on here? |
Anonymous
| Where is she from? |
Anonymous
| That’s a terrible schedule. Why are you posting all over? |
Anonymous
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The hours don’t seem that terrible to me. The 7:30-9:30 AM is just getting the toddler dressed, fed and off to school, right? That’s no big deal unless your toddler is neurodivergent or something.
The 12 PM - 7 PM is pretty long. Do you and your wife help out at all during that time? My AP also worked 12 PM - 7 PM, but I always stopped work at 5 PM to make dinner and then she and I tag teamed from 5-7 PM every night getting the kids fed, bathed and through the bedtime routine. Agree with PP that the split schedule is often NBD - maybe even preferred - because the AP lives with you. If she’s driving to your house at 730 am, driving home at 930 am, then coming back at noon, I can see why she’s annoyed. But she brought it on herself by moving in with her husband. (Side note - he must not be making much money if she still needs to Au pair to make ends meet!) |
Anonymous
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We’ve been hosting for 8 years. Your schedule is really long. Her break is not from 9-12:45, you have to take in to account the time they it takes her to drive home from the childcare center (not her new home, I would just use your address since her moving out was her decision.
The program is *up to* 45 hours, you guys seem like you’re trying to take every last minute that you can. If your wife is home on parental leave why can’t she juggle both kids from 6-7? Getting off at 7pm and then needing to be back at work at 7:30am every day is really rough. I would not ask my AP to do it. It essentially means that she has no free time in the evenings M-F. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP who said the AP must really love the kid to keep working after she's moved out and gotten married - but of course you're right, it could be mostly financial motivation. Assuming she married someone who is also young, her husband might still be a broke college student or something. |
Anonymous
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That schedule is tough for her, no matter how you slice and dice it.
She had a legit complaint before, when your son started school you guys went to a split schedule that used up every last minute of 45 hours--that's really hard on her social life, or any life at all. Your MO is using up all 45 hours every week with her. I don't think any AP would be happy with that. Her moving out is a whole other issue. But I could see her not telling you beforehand because of her resentment buildup. Either find a chunk of time where she only has to drive to and from your house once a day, or rematch. |
Anonymous
OP here:
Not watching the baby, but the 2 year old.
-She gets one full weekend off a month. On new schedule, she gets all weekends off. -LCC doesn't know she moved out. She was originally extending, but after talking to her, we've decided not to extend.
Posted this on reddit also.
Me and my wife do help out. The mornings are really just to ensure someone is home with my wife if my toddler wakes up early. He usually wakes up anywhere between 7AM-9AM. My wife and I do help out. 12-1PM is basically free time because she picks our son up at 1PM. It's just in case she needs to prepare lunch, do laundry, etc. I'm not holding her to it, and am flexible. |
Anonymous
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Terrible schedule.
Never been a fan of APs for infants- better 2/3 year olds and up. I would be surprised if she just doesn’t show up anymore in next month or so when she gets visa stuff worked out. |