Au Pair Food Issues

[Anonymous]

We are a vegetarian household with an au pair who loves meat. Every week we ask her what groceries she wants and she only ever asks for meat and rice. She cooks only for herself (she doesn’t eat vegetarian food I make and doesn’t cook for my kids), and has started making these elaborate meals and smoothies using up all the fruits, veggies, lemons, etc. in the house. For weeks I’ve been getting extra fruits and veggies (and often different things from weeks prior) and she just adds more and more to her smoothies and meals. I often go to cook for the kids and I’m forced to run to the store to pick up things for meals I’ve planned because stuff I expect to be in my fridge isn’t there. We asked her to make a list of the fruits/veggies she wants so we can get stuff for her without running out of stuff for the kids (and ourselves!) but every week it’s the same ask: pork or chicken and rice. It’s getting really out of hand. Has anyone encountered this? What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a vegetarian household with an au pair who loves meat. Every week we ask her what groceries she wants and she only ever asks for meat and rice. She cooks only for herself (she doesn’t eat vegetarian food I make and doesn’t cook for my kids), and has started making these elaborate meals and smoothies using up all the fruits, veggies, lemons, etc. in the house. For weeks I’ve been getting extra fruits and veggies (and often different things from weeks prior) and she just adds more and more to her smoothies and meals. I often go to cook for the kids and I’m forced to run to the store to pick up things for meals I’ve planned because stuff I expect to be in my fridge isn’t there. We asked her to make a list of the fruits/veggies she wants so we can get stuff for her without running out of stuff for the kids (and ourselves!) but every week it’s the same ask: pork or chicken and rice. It’s getting really out of hand. Has anyone encountered this? What do I do?

For now, add extra fruit and vegetables to the grocery list (same ones you're getting). Set aside anything for her on a specific (labeled) shelf and post a menu on the refrigerator with an ingredient list for each family dish and amounts required for each one. She's eating fruits and vegetables, not junk food (completely reasonable to refuse to buy or limit), so I don't think you could or should limit her access to produce. However, she's not being considerate, so help her learn to be more proactive as well. Make her aware of what you need for the week in order to make the family's meals and that you will provide a reasonable amount towards her meals and smoothies (smoothies use a ton of produce, so you may want to switch to frozen); if she wants specific ingredients, she needs to let you know what she wants to use before you go shopping.

It sounds to me like she may be used to making chicken or pork with rice and then just figuring out the fruit and vegetable portion of the meal from whatever is available. She may not realize that you are buying specific amounts in order to make certain dishes from a menu you plan out ahead. That's how I prefer to cook... it took me a while as an adult to learn to prioritize meal planning versus buying from sales and then figuring it out later. If you ask her to give you the dish names she'll make for the week beforehand (whether she has a recipe yet or not), do you think that it will get better?

[Anonymous]

I think you should just be direct with her and have a conversation about it. When you ask her for the grocery list next time, propose a solution (e.g., getting her own fruits and veggie and putting her stuff on a separate shelf, or something else) and discuss with her. She may not know it's been causing an issue for you unless you talk to her about it.

With APs I've found that I have to initiate some unpleasant conversations, about cleaning habits (really lack thereof) and other household issues that cause conflict. Subtleness does not cut it. The alternative is letting it simmer until you get really resentful.

[Anonymous]

Simply ask her to send you a list of fruits/veggies she wants for the week as you’d prefer to do 1 weekly run to the grocery.

[Anonymous]

I would give her $75 a week for food.

[Anonymous]

Did you say you were vegetarian at the interview? She never eats a meal with you ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you say you were vegetarian at the interview? She never eats a meal with you ?

Yes of course we brought this up on the interview. She prefers to cook for herself. And no, she doesn’t eat meals with us unless we take her out. She eats at 10 pm, we eat with our kids at 5:30/6.

Anyway, we’ll try offering her a food budget for her to buy/use what she wants, and have an honest conversation about this.

[Anonymous]

We spend about a $1k for 2 people and we do not overeat at that, and you are suggesting $75 per week for a young adult's food? $300 a month? she will starve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spend about a $1k for 2 people and we do not overeat at that, and you are suggesting $75 per week for a young adult's food? $300 a month? she will starve.

How on earth do you spend that much for two people? What are you buying. I spend maybe 500-600 with some carry out. It doesn't have to include everything like cereal and basics but at some point she is an adult and needs to be responsible. OP running to the store every few days is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spend about a $1k for 2 people and we do not overeat at that, and you are suggesting $75 per week for a young adult's food? $300 a month? she will starve.

1K/month for *just* groceries for 2 people? How?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend about a $1k for 2 people and we do not overeat at that, and you are suggesting $75 per week for a young adult's food? $300 a month? she will starve.

1K/month for *just* groceries for 2 people? How?

NP. We spend $1.8k/month for 5 people (two kids + AP) on groceries only. Just buy more fruit and vegetables, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend about a $1k for 2 people and we do not overeat at that, and you are suggesting $75 per week for a young adult's food? $300 a month? she will starve.

1K/month for *just* groceries for 2 people? How?

NP. We spend $1.8k/month for 5 people (two kids + AP) on groceries only. Just buy more fruit and vegetables, OP.

$60/day to feed 3 adults and 2 kids? Wow. Glad you have the budget for that sort of gourmet eating. Regardless, at $450/week for 5 people, coming out to $90/person (assuming kids eat as much as adults), you just validated another person’s earlier point that $75/week is ample if it’s just for one person.

[Anonymous]

I am the pp who spends 1k for 2 people. I do not know. I see that avocados went up like 50% compare to year ago, and we do not eat pasta or rice. Just veggies, fish, chicken, and berries. I do buy expensive teas and stuff and fo not eat out. The point is, you cannot restrict what Ap is eating, so if she eats 2 pounds of your broccoli a day and a pound of berries, you have to provide that.

[Anonymous]

There is no way food can cost $75 a week per person unless you eat canned food and pasta

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the pp who spends 1k for 2 people. I do not know. I see that avocados went up like 50% compare to year ago, and we do not eat pasta or rice. Just veggies, fish, chicken, and berries. I do buy expensive teas and stuff and fo not eat out. The point is, you cannot restrict what Ap is eating, so if she eats 2 pounds of your broccoli a day and a pound of berries, you have to provide that.

She isn't restricting food intake but at some point AuPair has to be reasonable. If you can afford a pound of berries a day, great, but not everyone has that kind of budget. If avocados are $$$ we don't get them that week. See how that works.