Married man going to lunch with single female inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even read this whole thread, but dh does it all the time. I did it when I worked in a male dominated field. When on business trips I would have access to some high end restaurants and it would often appear that I was on a date with a co-worker...it was just 2 people having a meal. Only once did I have to talk to dh about a particular woman who made me uncomfortable (with good reason) and he respected that.

Don't marry someone you don't trust. Trust your spouse. Love each other and be honest and open. Life is too short to worry about lunch plans.

+1

[Anonymous]

Chris Rock: "A platonic friend is like a dick in a glass case. In case of emergency, break the glass."

[Anonymous]

Female perspective here: I think it's totally fine. And I would go so far as to say it would be wrong to stop having the occasional lunch just because she's a woman. If she makes a move, then that's a different story. But as long as it's just lunch with a peer, treat it like going to lunch with a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I wonder if I've been transported to Saudi Arabia.

No kidding.

This entire discussion is bizarre. DH and I both have lunch with, drinks with and travel with colleagues of the opposite sex. We have a lot going on at home with a special needs kid and nourishing friendships, whether male or female, was a new year's resolution from a couple of years ago that I have kept up. I would say about half my friends in this group are men.

DH keeps up with his friends too. He's actually a bit too work-focused in social situations - other people want to talk about kids, real estate and he steers the convo back to work-based interests and seeks out time with those who share those interests. I've never worried about him nor he me in terms of cheating. To be fair, about half of my male friends are gay and DH's friends skew 80% male/20% female. We've been married for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a happily married man. Over the last year or so I have been going to lunch with a female colleague, 3 to 4 times a year. We are about the same age, in our mid 40s. She is well aware that I'm happily married but does not seem to be bothered by it. Truth is that I do find her attractive but no way I would do anything inappropriate. I enjoy her company and we talk about work, life, etc. I have never cheated on my wife of over 20 years, either emotionally or physically and I don't ever plan to. Do you think it is inappropriate for me to continue having the occasional lunch with her? Also, do you think she may be interested in me romantically even though she is aware about my situation? I would appreciate a lady's perspective on this. If she sees me as a good friend, then it may not be too risky to continue. If not, then probably best to stop. I have not discussed with my wife yet.

Very inappropriate and if I were your wife, you would cut her off or I'd cut you off. You're leaving an opening, a temptation you have not yet indulged but could if all the circumstances were just right. If my husband wants to play those kinds of games, he'll play them as a divorced man living in a studio.

[Anonymous]

I have to admit when I was single in my late 20's I went to lunch with just about the same frequency with an older co-worker and yes, it was a lot about seeing if he would go and kind of flirty and an ego boost for me that he would schedule these lunches with me.
A few months would go by without contact and I would want a little bit of attention and we would go out to lunch. Rinse and repeat for a few years.
I would dig my heels in and act offended and horrified if anyone suggested it was anything but a friendly lunch, but 15 years later I can admit what my intention was. If he would have made a move, I probably would have gone for it.
And I assume he enjoyed the attention and flirtation too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit when I was single in my late 20's I went to lunch with just about the same frequency with an older co-worker and yes, it was a lot about seeing if he would go and kind of flirty and an ego boost for me that he would schedule these lunches with me.
A few months would go by without contact and I would want a little bit of attention and we would go out to lunch. Rinse and repeat for a few years.
I would dig my heels in and act offended and horrified if anyone suggested it was anything but a friendly lunch, but 15 years later I can admit what my intention was. If he would have made a move, I probably would have gone for it.
And I assume he enjoyed the attention and flirtation too.

I have been the man in that situation. So while I am in the camp that agrees there is nothing wrong with lunch or drinks between men and women, there is often, in my experience, a sexual tension if both are attractive and flirty. Doesn't mean someone is going to act on it. Flirting itself is harmless.

[Anonymous]

No one brought this up, so I will ask the question.

OP, I presume the payment for lunch is always dutch.

I think multiple people asked the OP if the wife knows, which has not been answered from what I can tell.

If you do not have trust, you don't have a relationship, plain and simple. 3-4 times a year is not a big deal at all.

[Anonymous]

It's kind of funny how some say the wife should know his every step when he's at work.

Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP. My wife does not know. There are/have been other lady friends from work over the years that I have disclosed to her and in fact she has become friends with them. Nothing to hide. The issue here is if I tell my wife about this one she may get some suspicion simply because this woman is just really very gorgeous and same age as I. My wife knows this is the kind of woman I'm attracted to - intelligent, accomplished, beautiful professional woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I wonder if I've been transported to Saudi Arabia.

No kidding.

This entire discussion is bizarre. DH and I both have lunch with, drinks with and travel with colleagues of the opposite sex. We have a lot going on at home with a special needs kid and nourishing friendships, whether male or female, was a new year's resolution from a couple of years ago that I have kept up. I would say about half my friends in this group are men.

DH keeps up with his friends too. He's actually a bit too work-focused in social situations - other people want to talk about kids, real estate and he steers the convo back to work-based interests and seeks out time with those who share those interests. I've never worried about him nor he me in terms of cheating. To be fair, about half of my male friends are gay and DH's friends skew 80% male/20% female. We've been married for 20 years.

Saudi Arabia poster here.

I look at it this way, I'm go grateful I'm secure in myself and my marriage. I know I'm valued and I know my value. I feel sorry for people who live with these crazy fears. I also feel sorry that some of these people picked poor spouses that they can't trust to keep their genitals buttoned up.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if any of you are named Monica.

I worked with a great guy 12 years ago and we since are at different companies. We go to lunch once a month. We have great conversation both business and personal.

Crazy ass Monica once got my phone number and sent me crazy texts about staying away from "her man". She apparently saw me on FB (Turns out I'm friends with one of hers, but not even friends with her DH!) and it sent her into some sort of jealous rage. I guess she was hoping I was some troll and when it turned out I was not, she went off the deep end. Her DH was horrified, but we still have our standing lunch. I've never asked if she knows, she probably doesn't.

I honestly feel sorry for my friend. To have to live with that level of insecurity, it has to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

I think it is strange that this would be an issue. I am single (divorced) and have two or three married male friends that I became friends with when I was also married. I work in the same field as them. We have lunch 2-3 times a year (per friend). Not as often as I hang out with my female friends, but regularly enough. I am not interested in them, and I am sure they are not interested in me. It is a professional/friendly thing.

[Anonymous]

Seems weird that it should matter. My husband has female colleagues from various jobs and connections he has and he goes to lunch sometimes with them. The other day when he got home he was on the phone with one of them who has moved - just catching up on stuff. There's zero reason for me to care or worry about any of this. I mean, if it starts crossing a weird line of texting about marriage issues or sneaking out for drinks and lying about it, that's another thing but just quarterly lunches? Pffffft, I have a life, no way would I devote mind space to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I guess most women would not go out to lunch with a married man alone multiple times unless they had romantic intentions.

You are correct. SAHM will not even schedule played with a SAHD because of the sexual tension. You are right to be concerned.

What? How terrible are your marriages?

I go to lunch with married men all the time and have always done so. Are married women allowed to network only with women?