separation/divorce/coparenting when one spouse travels a lot for work
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Anonymous
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My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.
Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement? |
Anonymous
If your agreement isn't final, you still have time to change it (I hope). Have you outlined the right of first refusal so that you are offered his custodial days when he travels? I'm in the same boat where my estranged DH travels and works late, yet wants 50/50. It's not realistic, obviously, but there is no dissuading him. I still haven't quite figured out how to best navigate it, so I'm here for tips too. |
Anonymous
| He can do it if you are flexible. Just be honest and tell him he can have a few hours a month and be done with it as that is all you want to give. Then you can play single parent victim and claim he does not help. Or, he can change jobs to no travel with a huge pay cut which reduces your child support. |
Anonymous
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How much notice does he typically have about travel and how many days per month does he typically travel? Also, does he have a support network such as family around here? How flexible is your job?
It's tough from both sides because if you do 50/50 and he has to travel and you don't have much notice then you have to scramble. OTOH, if you do less than 50/50 and his travel happens on his days then he may end up with even less time with the kids. Ideally, if he has a month or two notice about when he has to travel and he has a support network you guys could switch around days to keep it close to 50/50 or he could have family pitch in to help if you're not available those days. |
Anonymous
No, nothing is finalized. It helps to know there are others out there going through this because I'm feeling alone. I hope we learn something here. |
Anonymous
No family anywhere close by. I currently am at home with kids. I was laid off from my job and started pursuing entrepreneurial work prior to him asking for divorce. Without the safety net of a husband/his income, it didn't make sense to go down that road anymore. I am now looking for work in my field but due to his travel, and me caring for kids full time, my time to search is quite limited. One of my children is recently diagnosed as special needs and there are a ton of different therapies to navigate and my child's needs in general are exhausting. I can stand to find a babysitter or mother's helper to give me a few hours per day to navigate work and support for my child. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP above, back again. From what I've gathered, it takes a lot for the courts to not allow 50/50 if one parent wants it - even with travel. It's very disheartening. My ex's travel is last minute, but I've decided to suck that up for the added time with and stability for my children. (I believe it's more stable for them to be at either of our homes rather than elsewhere). I document all his travel and the timeline in which he asks. It's also been a fine line to navigate in terms of makeup time. I want to make sure I put the kids needs first in seeing him, but also maintain my boundaries for plans already made on my time. It is a constant challenge. But his attitude towards me makes me feel better about keeping these boundaries and not rolling over (anymore) for everything he wants. |
Anonymous
Thanks for the insight. And yes, it seems 50/50 is the standard. I am also trying to document all the travel and all the time I've been caring for the kids. I don't want to nickel and dime on me caring more for them, since I do want to be with them, but the bottom line is his schedule doesn't give me the support to get back on my feet and I want to be sure this doesn't negatively impact me further in the future with job prospects or needs they have. And navigating boundaries will be part of this process for me. He has overstepped and walked on me so its tough to regain power without a job/income. |
Anonymous
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No, 50/50 isn’t the standard. Some people want it to be the standard but it simply isn’t true. Out of my circle of friends who didn’t pre-agree on their custody arrangement, the mother wound up with more for reasons like husband travels a lot. Kids need stability and going back and forth is very difficult —add to that a traveling parent, it’s a mess. Why should OP get 50/50 and constantly have to cover for her traveling ex? Why? Just so he can pay less support? Or so the kids can never know their actual schedule?
OP-don’t accept that 50/50 is the standard. |
Anonymous
Whether 50/50 is the default really depends on the state where you live. If a lawyer told OP that it's likely to be 50/50, I would consider that reliable. I live in a state that still prefers to have a primary parent. My ex travels for a week every 6 weeks and we do 50/50. It works okay. She usually leaves on Sunday and comes back on a redeye on Friday. When means I cover 3 additional nights. We do a monthly schedule and sometimes we rebalance to make up for those travel days, other times I just take the extra days. That means that I might have 55% of time in a given year, but honestly it's little enough that I really don't need the courts to acknowledge that. I think it's completely reasonable to ask your ex to pay for any additional care you need during travel time, and to also have him be the lead in making those arrangements. |
Anonymous
Is his travel mandatory? You can say No to caring for the kids during his time, and then he has to either find alternate care or decline the travel at work. Raising kids is hard work, and very inconvenient at times, and it shouldn't only affect one parent's career. Even if you end up with 50/50 make sure the custody agreement addresses travel and whether you are responsible for providing him with make-up time for travel planned with less than X amount of notice, and make sure that HE is responsible for finding alternate childcare in the event that you are unable to take them (pre-planned work travel of your own, pre-planned solo vacation, pre-planned WHATEVER of yours) and that he can in no way expect you to just drop all things to care for the children when he goes on last minute travel. I know everyone wants to think that this is SO EVIL of me, but there have been times when I've been unable to pick up the slack for my ex - like when I had to go to a memorial service for a childhood friend who died by suicide and already had plane tickets. He worked it out, and the kid is fine. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP - the back again one. I don't think that's evil at all. I think it's more than perfectly fine. For me, the struggle is with knowing he would never not go on a trip, and where my children would end up/who would be watching them. There is a history there that I won't go into, but I'd like to avoid my children being where I assume he'd have them stay. That said, I also struggle with not wanting them to ever feel like a burden or a hot potato - b/c there is so much travel, last minute change, etc. I don't want them to feel like they are something to be dealt with. I'm not trying to martyr myself - seriously - but this dynamic, as well as making sure they see me as setting healthy boundaries, is something I am definitely working on. |
Anonymous
When I divorced a man who traveled a lot for work, we generally were able to collaborate and make it work. We had a right-of-first-refusal clause in our custody agreement, which prevented him from farming out his custody time onto a flotilla of babysitters and temporary girlfriends (neither of us have local family). When he was gone for extended periods (e.g., 8 days), I was not comfortable having a babysitter be caring for my child so unless I really and truly couldn't care for her (like because I was traveling myself), I'd just keep her while he was away. We communicated about these switches exclusively through email because I wanted documentation of the requests. I did my best to balance out the time he was away with spending more time with her when he was around because their relationship was important, but I also wasn't willing to give up things like holidays and all weekends to accommodate his travel needs, particularly the ones that were not required for work. He goes to a lot of conferences and tends to tack on a few days to the trips to enjoy himself. We divorced when DD was 3 and she is now 10. She recognizes that her father routinely chooses work over spending time with her and it has meaningful effects on their relationship. I've never said a negative thing about him and actually end up insisting that she see him when he is here, but his travel his increased over the years rather than decreasing. He went from 50/50 to more like 70% me and 30% him. This year it's more likely to be 80/20. |
Anonymous
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Your soon tome Ex might want 50/50 to minimize child support.
You could offer to have more physical custody (ir right of first refusal) and say it won't impact the calculations for child support, which can be based on 50/50. At a minimum, I'd definitely push hard for right of first refusal. |
Anonymous
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"I think it's completely reasonable to ask your ex to pay for any additional care you need during travel time, and to also have him be the lead in making those arrangements."
This. As a mom who's been divorced for a number of years, I can tell you that it is in everyone's best interest - parents, and especially kids - if you both can be as flexible as possible with the goal of fostering your kids' relationships with both parents as much as possible. So if 50/50 is the default in your state, go with the 50/50, making sure there are requirements in the agreement that provide for boundaries and a clear understanding and what you need. Maybe that's that the schedule for the month needs to be planned a certain time in advance and that your ex pay for extra childcare that may be needed when he can't take the kids on his days due to travel. But don't be so focused on drawing lines in the sand, because your needs will change and your kids needs will change over time, and without family in the area you'll still need to work with each other to help each other out, perhaps in ways that you didn't envision when you divorced, but it is what it is. |