separation/divorce/coparenting when one spouse travels a lot for work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

I think the sticking point for me now is that its been recommended to me that a 2/2/3 type schedule is better for when they are little. It seems like shuffling days around on this kind of schedule could be tough. A week with each parent would better accommodate shuffling schedules with stbx's intermittent travel but I don't think its the best arrangement for them day to day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

I think the sticking point for me now is that its been recommended to me that a 2/2/3 type schedule is better for when they are little. It seems like shuffling days around on this kind of schedule could be tough. A week with each parent would better accommodate shuffling schedules with stbx's intermittent travel but I don't think its the best arrangement for them day to day.

Who is recommending that? I would say once a month, both get together and look at schedules and you each get 2 weeks. However, during his time, he is responsible for child's appointments, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much notice does he typically have about travel and how many days per month does he typically travel? Also, does he have a support network such as family around here? How flexible is your job?

It's tough from both sides because if you do 50/50 and he has to travel and you don't have much notice then you have to scramble. OTOH, if you do less than 50/50 and his travel happens on his days then he may end up with even less time with the kids. Ideally, if he has a month or two notice about when he has to travel and he has a support network you guys could switch around days to keep it close to 50/50 or he could have family pitch in to help if you're not available those days.

No family anywhere close by. I currently am at home with kids. I was laid off from my job and started pursuing entrepreneurial work prior to him asking for divorce. Without the safety net of a husband/his income, it didn't make sense to go down that road anymore. I am now looking for work in my field but due to his travel, and me caring for kids full time, my time to search is quite limited. One of my children is recently diagnosed as special needs and there are a ton of different therapies to navigate and my child's needs in general are exhausting. I can stand to find a babysitter or mother's helper to give me a few hours per day to navigate work and support for my child.

Tell him he needs to step up and do 50/50 now so you can get a full time job to make the divorce work financially or he will need to pay enough alimony and child support for you to maintain your own home. He can care for the kids nights/weekends and he needs to figure out day child care for 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

I think the sticking point for me now is that its been recommended to me that a 2/2/3 type schedule is better for when they are little. It seems like shuffling days around on this kind of schedule could be tough. A week with each parent would better accommodate shuffling schedules with stbx's intermittent travel but I don't think its the best arrangement for them day to day.

Who is recommending that? I would say once a month, both get together and look at schedules and you each get 2 weeks. However, during his time, he is responsible for child's appointments, etc.

for young kids, it's definitely a recommendation that they see both parents as frequently as possible. The frequent travel puts a wrench in that.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he actually wants 50-50? You may want to consider a more nontraditional arrangement that maximizes his unpredictable time in town with them, but not at the expense of continuity. So you get them Sun-Thurs, and he gets Fri - Sat PM, but live close together so he can do school drop-offs, therapy appts, dinners? Then on weeks he travels, hopefully he can arrange to be back in town by Friday to avoid losing days. He can also get extra time on school holidays, weeks during the summer, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

I think the sticking point for me now is that its been recommended to me that a 2/2/3 type schedule is better for when they are little. It seems like shuffling days around on this kind of schedule could be tough. A week with each parent would better accommodate shuffling schedules with stbx's intermittent travel but I don't think its the best arrangement for them day to day.

Who is recommending that? I would say once a month, both get together and look at schedules and you each get 2 weeks. However, during his time, he is responsible for child's appointments, etc.

for young kids, it's definitely a recommendation that they see both parents as frequently as possible. The frequent travel puts a wrench in that.

I am the previous poster who makes it work with the ex. I hear you. And I understand that 2/2/3 may be ideal, but given that it’s not an option for the OP, she needs to decide with of the two less than ideal situations does she want to achieve:
(1) more of a week-on-week-off situation, where your child still sees his/her dad about half the time, or
(2) a scenario where your child has significantly less time with his/her father

The 2/2/3 is simply not an option. Neither is growing up in an intact loving nuclear family.: which is the most ideal for child.

[Anonymous]

The only situation that I know of where this worked, the XH was willing to pay both CS and enough alimony that the XW didn’t have to work. He could travel freely and she didn’t have to worry about child care. When he was home, he took their son for the same number of nights he was gone. This went on from 3 until middle school. They were super amicable though. It never could have worked with any friction between them or if she’d had to work to support herself and the child. No employer is going to let you set your schedule to accommodate your ex’s work travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only situation that I know of where this worked, the XH was willing to pay both CS and enough alimony that the XW didn’t have to work. He could travel freely and she didn’t have to worry about child care. When he was home, he took their son for the same number of nights he was gone. This went on from 3 until middle school. They were super amicable though. It never could have worked with any friction between them or if she’d had to work to support herself and the child. No employer is going to let you set your schedule to accommodate your ex’s work travel.

That's a bad idea given at some point the alimony/child support ends and then what happens to OP if she is out of the workforce in less he guarantees life long.

I'd tell him that they need to start a schedule now. Have ex decide how he wants to do 50/50 and on those days he the primary parent. He need to do it all from laundry, cleaning, bathing, caretaking, making meals, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

I think the sticking point for me now is that its been recommended to me that a 2/2/3 type schedule is better for when they are little. It seems like shuffling days around on this kind of schedule could be tough. A week with each parent would better accommodate shuffling schedules with stbx's intermittent travel but I don't think its the best arrangement for them day to day.

Who is recommending that? I would say once a month, both get together and look at schedules and you each get 2 weeks. However, during his time, he is responsible for child's appointments, etc.

for young kids, it's definitely a recommendation that they see both parents as frequently as possible. The frequent travel puts a wrench in that.

I am the previous poster who makes it work with the ex. I hear you. And I understand that 2/2/3 may be ideal, but given that it’s not an option for the OP, she needs to decide with of the two less than ideal situations does she want to achieve:
(1) more of a week-on-week-off situation, where your child still sees his/her dad about half the time, or
(2) a scenario where your child has significantly less time with his/her father

The 2/2/3 is simply not an option. Neither is growing up in an intact loving nuclear family.: which is the most ideal for child.

My ex and I do a 3/3/1 (so we each have Sat night every other week) and my ex travels for work. I don't find it that disruptive. Because we split the week, if she is out of town that means I have a max of 3 extra nights in a week. If Dad had a regular schedule of weekly travel, it would make sense to schedule to maximize his time with the kids, but I don't think at 2/2/3 is neccessarily unmanageable with a traveling coparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My soon to be ex has been increasingly expected to travel for work. He's had around 4 work trips these last few months, with his last trip spanning 8 days. He is asking for 50/50 custody but I feel that if he is continuing to travel this much, it can't possibly be 50/50.

Wondering how others navigate this when you have children in the picture. How to keep it fluid for them with changing care schedules? What should I have written into a divorce agreement?

If you can be flexible and if you want to enable your husband to spend 50% of his time with his child, this can be done. My ex travels a lot and I accommodate. I do not travel for work and don't mind switching weeks or having DC for a longer period of time while my ex travels and have him then make up the time when he is back.

I think the sticking point for me now is that its been recommended to me that a 2/2/3 type schedule is better for when they are little. It seems like shuffling days around on this kind of schedule could be tough. A week with each parent would better accommodate shuffling schedules with stbx's intermittent travel but I don't think its the best arrangement for them day to day.

Who is recommending that? I would say once a month, both get together and look at schedules and you each get 2 weeks. However, during his time, he is responsible for child's appointments, etc.

for young kids, it's definitely a recommendation that they see both parents as frequently as possible. The frequent travel puts a wrench in that.

I am the previous poster who makes it work with the ex. I hear you. And I understand that 2/2/3 may be ideal, but given that it’s not an option for the OP, she needs to decide with of the two less than ideal situations does she want to achieve:
(1) more of a week-on-week-off situation, where your child still sees his/her dad about half the time, or
(2) a scenario where your child has significantly less time with his/her father

The 2/2/3 is simply not an option. Neither is growing up in an intact loving nuclear family.: which is the most ideal for child.

My ex and I do a 3/3/1 (so we each have Sat night every other week) and my ex travels for work. I don't find it that disruptive. Because we split the week, if she is out of town that means I have a max of 3 extra nights in a week. If Dad had a regular schedule of weekly travel, it would make sense to schedule to maximize his time with the kids, but I don't think at 2/2/3 is neccessarily unmanageable with a traveling coparent.

OP here. Thanks for insight..and everyone else who has weighed in. I don't think 2/2/3 or 3/3/1 is impossible, but it would require a lot of rescheduling for extended work trips. I know flexibility will be key with this situation for the long term, but I think ultimately I will end up with more than 50/50 care and he will still insist its 50/50. I don't see him making up the time if I have them during his long work trips. There is no way his work schedule will accommodate drop off and pick up of kids daily for a week at a time at this stage.

[Anonymous]

.

I am the previous poster who makes it work with the ex. I hear you. And I understand that 2/2/3 may be ideal, but given that it’s not an option for the OP, she needs to decide with of the two less than ideal situations does she want to achieve:
(1) more of a week-on-week-off situation, where your child still sees his/her dad about half the time, or
(2) a scenario where your child has significantly less time with his/her father

The 2/2/3 is simply not an option. Neither is growing up in an intact loving nuclear family.: which is the most ideal for child.

My ex and I do a 3/3/1 (so we each have Sat night every other week) and my ex travels for work. I don't find it that disruptive. Because we split the week, if she is out of town that means I have a max of 3 extra nights in a week. If Dad had a regular schedule of weekly travel, it would make sense to schedule to maximize his time with the kids, but I don't think at 2/2/3 is neccessarily unmanageable with a traveling coparent.

He's asking for the divorce and 50/50 so he needs to find a way to make it work. Take a calendar for a month and have him pick 1/2 the days on the calendar based on his travel schedule and tell him he needs to do all the drop off/pick up, appointments, make breakfast, lunch, dinner, do laundry and cleaning as that is what his life is going to be like after the divorce when you are not in the home. He can make it work and he'll need to adjust his schedule around being a parent. He needs to grow up and make this work if he wants the divorce.

[Anonymous]

My ex has certain times when he travels more (like this summer he has had at least one 5 day or longer trip every month between May and September plus some shorter ones). We don’t have a true 50-50 split, it’s more like 60-40 though he would probably consider it roughly even. We have been doing a lot of weekend swapping and he’s missed some of his off-week overnights. We always make up the weekend time, the one off nights are harder to make up.

[Anonymous]

He wants the divorce, tell him to plan to pay a lot of alimony.

50/50 is bulls%$t.

[Anonymous]

Op. Stop being nice. As of today he needs to do 50/50 and adjust his schedule to do pick up and drop off and everything else. He wants the divorce. He needs to make it work. Stop with the excuses. He needs to learn to be a parent without you.