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Is money the reason why I don't have any friends?
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Anonymous
| I'm a single mom, make about $50k/year and I feel so discriminated! I usually hang out with my DD in Bethesda, DC and Takoma Park, where I meet a lot of moms with their kids. Sometimes women will really start talking and getting to know each other better, maybe becoming friends. But a couple of times I've noticed that it seems as if as soon as they realize I don't have a husband or a high paying job, they get turned off or think we won't have anything in common and shut down. Is there any other reason? I'm feeling very crappy about this today... |
Anonymous
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the topic of your post made me laugh. Of course not!
People make friends with people they see they have things in common with, but they also just like people who are fun to be with. One of the things that makes getting older hard is that it's harder to make friends with new people, because everyone's so busy, and their time is taken up by kids, jobs, everything else.... I miss the days of college where I could walk down the hall and hang out with 10 of my friends! I'm always joking that I'm the "poor" one in my group of friends b/c I don't make $250k a year, have a live in nanny, vacation in St. Barts, throw $5k b-day parties for my kids, etc. I am the poorest one, but we were friends with that group when the money disparity wasn't so large, and they try not to make it a big issue but obviously it's a differentiator in how we do things. I just think it's hard to make friends in your 30s and 40s and in a big city, esp. if you are new here.... one of the main reasons I don't want to move.... |
Anonymous
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People are just mean.
Look for Friends not for society friends... I hate them.. |
Anonymous
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Hate to say it, but I'd guess it's your single mom status, goes double if you're pretty. Then you're not friend-potential to most women, you're potential husband-bait.
I have friends on both sides of this coin, and have seen this in action. |
Anonymous
| No. BUt maybe you're self-conscious about it, and are too quick to comment about your status, or be too self-deprecating? I am one of those who do make $250k+ a year, and I could care less what my friends make. But I don't want to have to apologize for not having money problems, or be made to feel bad because I CAN afford things--or have to explain my choices, or have them pointed out to me. Sometimes it's just easier to hang out with friends who won't comment on the fact that our vacations cost more than her car. I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do? Lie about where we're going over CHristmas? (See how it can be a double edged sword? I don't bring it up, but if you ask? Park my car around the corner?) |
Anonymous
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I'm guessing it's the single mom status as well. One of my closest friends is a single mom and I think she feels excluded too. It doesn't make much sense since most of the time is spent without husbands in tow. Are you divorced? If so, have you considered joining a divorced moms' group? There must also be single parents' groups too.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
OP never stated that she has money problems. I am a single mom and I make 50,000+ a year. I do not have any money problems. My DS has everything he wants and needs. BTW I a single mom by choice! |
Anonymous
| it's definitely your single mom status. i am one and feel certain that many, many other parents that i meet, perhaps even unconsciously, just kind of subtly cross me off their list of potential friends. interestingly, i think the fact that i am divorced exacerbates this. many, many people in my casual neighborhood playground circle reacted very strangely when i got divorced. a small handful of them actually stopped talking to me altogether. it made me feel awful (as if the divorce wasn't bad enough!) |
Anonymous
OK, my mistake. But I'm guessing it can't be easy to raise a child on $50k a yr here. And clearly I was projecting my experiences with a friend onto OP. However, some of my point remains the same--if she's self-conscious about the money difference, she may be calling attention to it without realizing it. |
Anonymous
| It never even occurred to me to worry about single moms as a threat to my marriage. In my view, single moms make great friends, because I don't have to worry about saddling my poor husband with HER husband. Chris Rock did a pretty funny bit about guys being forced into what amounted to grownup playdates with his wife's friends' husbands. "Sweetie, this is Greg. He likes baseball too!" |
Anonymous
That's great, but when you have dinner parties or backyard BBQ's, do you invite your single mom friends? Or do you reflexively think she'd feel like a 5th wheel without a spouse and leave her off the guest list? That's what used to hurt my feelings most: I was great to hang out with when it was just the girls, but for evening events when husbands were naturally invited, I was not. Everyone either assumed I would not want to join them or they didn't want me around their husbands (not that I'm great looking, even). Hated that with a passion, and it happened A LOT. |
Anonymous
| I am single mom also and yes, its likely the single mom status but then again when you meet people in the park, etc, how does this come up? I usually don't even mention that I am a "single mom" because to me it is something that defines me really. I would never just meet someone and mention that "oh I am a single mom" because I don't think its really important. |
Anonymous
| oops - should have said "something that DOES NOT define me" |
Anonymous
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np here. This thread will prod me to invite my single mom friend/acquaintance to hang out more.
*Not* in a 'charity' way -- I genuinely like her and she likes me. I'm just lazy about organizing anything - single mom, gay mom, hetero mom, whatever. Reading this makes me sad. also, I can envision a day that I might become a single mom as well. |
Anonymous
No, I don't call attention to it not am I self conscious about it. I'm certainly not self-deprecating. I'm on my mid-20's and I'm proud of what I have accomplished so far. I do want to get a better job and I'm working hard to make more money, but I never tell people that nor do I think that's my only goal in life. I could care less how much your car or your vacation cost. If anything, I'd be happy for you. And I would certainly never expect anyone to apologize for making what you make and having what you have. It might be the single mom thing. I'm in a tight spot because I was only married for a short period of time, so when I went to a single parents group I felt that people who are married for a long time, have older children and are in the middle of divorce/custody battles had a tendency to stick together. As did single (never married) moms, but they were divided between those who were single moms by choice and those who weren't. Groups like that never really worked for me. I prefer to meet people the old fashioned way. Except, that hasn't been working out for me either. Again, feeling really crappy. It's hard to work all day, come home to my DD and, after putting her in bed, not having anybody to talk to about my day. 
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