What is a "single mom" these days?

[Anonymous]

I mean to ask this with utter respect for all parents handling kids without another parent in the house - but what is a "single mom" now? When I grew up, a single mom really meant a mom with primary (like 90% of the time) custody, footing most of the bills, paltry child support. Now, it seems many parents are divorced, but parenting is more equally shared (custody, reasonable child support, etc.). Kate Gosselin for example going on about being a single mom - isn't Jon Gosselin a single dad as well? Just curious what the thoughts are from those of you who are in a single adult household. What have your experiences been?

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom -- father no longer in the area and no child support. However, just because Jon Gosselin is a single dad doesn't mean Kate Gosselin is not a single mom. I don't follow your logic. A single parent is one who is not married to the father/mother of their children. Do my clothes need to be threadbare to fit the bill?

[Anonymous]

I don't think single mom ever meant no father in the picture. I have been raising a child for 10 years with no family in the area and no partner. DC is with dad for part of the week, but often on those "off" nights and weekends I am at a school meeting or a soccer practice or game or on the phone discussing a school project. I have ZERO adult help with chores, errands, etc., unless I pay for it. Some financial support but not that much. Mothers raising their children in joint custody situations are definitely single moms.

[Anonymous]

I think there are many flavors of "single mom," and our realities are different. Not better or worse, necessarily, just different, and sometimes the grass looks a lot greener. For evey one of us with no man in the picture wishing we had someone to share custody with so we could get a break, there's another one of us who would pay to make her co-parent go away if she could.

[Anonymous]

I think any mother parenting a child or children in a home by herself qualifies. They need not be scraping to get by either (although that is more likely the case). Single moms can be separated or divorced or never married to begin with. The partner is not co-parenting in the home. My case is that my DD's father and I never married and do not live together. He rarely visits (a few times a year) but does pay monthly child support. I am barely getting by. Kate Gossellin is also a single mom but she takes turns taking care of the kids. We share the same title but hardly the same circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say these days.

I got knocked up and DS's father and I have never lived together. Father has DS every other weekend from Friday pm until Sunday pm. I usually spend this very precious "off" time doing the chores that I can't get done with a 2.5 year old running around. I receive no child support or help with other major time eaters (doctor's appts., to and from pre-school, school meetings, etc.), and also work full time, so I also pay for child care. It's exhausting.

That being said, I know a lot of married moms who have husbands that travel and are very much in the same situation when it comes to time and household responsibilities. They just don't have the added financial angle. But I know they're exhausted, as well.

Single parent or not, being a single mom is hard work!!! Or a single dad who bears the same responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

That's one of the things I appreciate about DCUM -- reading al these posts and realizing that being a parent is hard work for everyone, married or single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's one of the things I appreciate about DCUM -- reading al these posts and realizing that being a parent is hard work for everyone, married or single.

meant ALL these posts.

[Anonymous]

16:49: Why doesn't he pay child support? Are you afraid if you ask he'll ask for more time with DC, which would lower the cost? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

There are several different categories of single mom, and i have friends who fit into each of them.

* never-married mom who has primary custody, but does share custody and expenses with the father (my situation)
* divorced/separated mom with primary custody, but who shares custody and expenses with the father
* never-married mom who has full custody and no support from the father because she went to a sperm bank
* never-married, divorced or separated mom with a deadbeat ex-partner
* never-married mom who lives with the father and receives financial help and shares custody (I'm not sure I'd call her a single mom, maybe just an unmarried mom.)

in my case, my daughter's father is a single dad. But his reality is different from mine; I have my daughter 5 nights a week, he has her two, and that's unlikely to change much going forward. We're not destitute or struggling; most of the single mothers I know are doing ok financially, because that's the demographic I'm in. (white, middle-class, college grads, employed full-time in white-collar professions.)

[Anonymous]

I would also add that if either parent is married to someone other than the child's other parent, they are not a single parent in my book because two adults are in the household sharing a life.

[Anonymous]

20:16: The father is not listed on the birth cert. -- can't be in DC unless we both sign a paternity document, which we were apparently given in the hospital, but I must have spaced it. In any case, no BC=no official support, and I retain all the control (e.g., could move to another state without his consent, etc.). Not that I plan to do anything to exclude the father, but I prefer to hold the reins. on where DS goes to school, activites, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think Kate Gosselin is a weird case. She's just saying she' s a single mom to get more pity from people. People usually take single mom to mean that you have primary custody and are the one who is financially most responsible for the children, which isn't true in her case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are several different categories of single mom, and i have friends who fit into each of them.

* never-married mom who has primary custody, but does share custody and expenses with the father (my situation)
* divorced/separated mom with primary custody, but who shares custody and expenses with the father
* never-married mom who has full custody and no support from the father because she went to a sperm bank
* never-married, divorced or separated mom with a deadbeat ex-partner
* never-married mom who lives with the father and receives financial help and shares custody (I'm not sure I'd call her a single mom, maybe just an unmarried mom.)

in my case, my daughter's father is a single dad. But his reality is different from mine; I have my daughter 5 nights a week, he has her two, and that's unlikely to change much going forward. We're not destitute or struggling; most of the single mothers I know are doing ok financially, because that's the demographic I'm in. (white, middle-class, college grads, employed full-time in white-collar professions.)

You forgot widowed moms.

[Anonymous]

you're right - i forgot widowed moms, probably because I don't know any with young kids.