Excluded from mourning

[Anonymous]

My husband of 7 years lost a child after birth 17 years ago. Every year on the date and time he meets the mother at the grave site. We have lived across the country and he still goes. I have never been asked to go and when I bring up going he is resistant. This year he agreed but asked me to stay in the car which I of course agreed. Husband and mother of child basically cried in each other's arms for 20 minutes. It was quite intimate looking even from 50 feet away. This makes me feel empty. I've never seen him cry over this situation or at all really. Maybe tear up but never sob. I want to reach him and heal with him but I'm not really welcomed to. I don't know how to feel or how to help. I just left that cemetery think "there's a huge monumental part of DH I won't ever get to know." When I lightly tip toe around the subject he always says the same thing "that day is over."

[Anonymous]

OP, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Leave him alone. He has a ritual for coping; you’re simply not a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Demand your right to mourn equally with the parents of this dead infant. Won’t that make you feel good?

Is this a troll post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, grow up.

+1 just because you married him doesn’t give you the right to have access to every aspect of his being.

You need to let this go or he will resent your continued intrusion

[Anonymous]

What a lovely tradition your husband has with his mother and the mother of the child they lost. I don’t think those of us who have never lost a child can ever fully understand the grief involved and you trying to insert yourself may feel supportive to you but could feel very invasive to him. This is his loss, it happened way before you were in the picture and presumably you knew about it before you married him. Don’t make this hole in his heart about you. Be supportive of his tradition and if he doesn’t want you there, don’t push it. If he wants to talk about it, of course, listen and be there for him. But you complaining about being excluded is selfish and tone-deaf to his situation.

[Anonymous]

“Intimate looking” ???? They were mourning the death of a child!!!. I don’t wish that upon anyone. Let him be. Let him mourn his own way and let it go. You don’t need to go to the graveyard next time.

[Anonymous]

Please get a hold of yourself.

And thank God you have never had to experience the death of a child. Few marriages survive it.

[Anonymous]

I hope you are a troll
Leave the poor man alone
You are jealous about intimacy he has with his ex wife because THEY LOST THEIR BABY
You are nauseating

[Anonymous]

Op here! Yikes I really mean well and wanted to help not hurt. I won't go to the graveyard again I was just curious to see the stone and learn more about him. I don't want to own him or his past just feel bad about his burden of loss.

[Anonymous]

Even the person you are married to is an individual person in his own right. He has a past that doesn't involve you, and sometimes that past is very present for him.

It's.
Just.
Not.
About.
You.

[Anonymous]

OP, sometimes people sympathy cry (I’m one of them). When I see someone close to me cry, I tear up and I can’t help it. I’m sad that they’re sad. So, what is “intimate looking” for you, may be him showing empathy and just being in the moment. Most likely though, he’s actually sad and sharing his sadness with the only other person who understands- and THATS OK.
A large portion of us will never know what it’s like to lose a child. You constantly inserting yourself and “tip toe”ing around the subject and continuously asking to be part of it is extremely invasive.

[Anonymous]

Even your subject line is gross and selfish--it's not about YOU.

[Anonymous]

If you haven’t lost a child, you really can’t relate to the bond they have. She’s the only other person in the entire world who feels the same way he does about their child, and can understand how he feels. It doesn’t cheapen your marriage to him.

If he doesn’t want to talk about his child, don’t press him. Some people deal best with grief by locking it away in a box in their heart, and letting it out only at certain times.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous posters.

Do you have children with your husband, OP? If you don't, perhaps that's why you feel this need to insert yourself in this situations. There is another reason too: they are grieving their lost child, and also what could have been. Perhaps they would still be together had it not been for that death. That last idea is probably what you want to confront, by wishing to participate. Don't. It will make everything worse and make you look jealous and insecure.