Puberty turned my kid into a monster

[Anonymous]

DD is almost 13 and within the past 18 months has become a different person. She was always a well-behaved, studious, sweet and family-oriented kid. We have little to no discipline problems.

Around 11.5 a flip-switched and she’s defiant, mean-spirited, and sneaky. Most of the change seems to be at home. She still has the same group of friends, is still making good grades but is extremely disrespectful to DH and I. She’s mean to her younger siblings and just has done a 180 and I’m lost. I’m trying to navigate whether this is somewhat normal reaction to puberty or something else.

I’m May she had a tantrum that included her throwing a phone at DH and calling me a b!tch. It lasted about three hours, all because we said she couldn’t sleep over at a friends house because we had plans the next morning. We, of course, took her phone and she was grounded for about 4 weeks. The physical behavior has stopped, but the nastiness hasn’t. We are currently waiting to find a therapist to see if there are any other issues that have happened thayncould cause such a massive change. She will not speak to me or DH, we use to be very close.

I don’t know how to parent this kid and I feel like I’m losing her. I talk to other parents with girls the same age and they validate that it’s “normal” but something feels off. It’s too drastic of a change.

Would parenting classes help? A book? Has anyone experienced a change in their child’s behavior like this?

Help us.

[Anonymous]

Hormones are awful. But your gut is telling you
something is off - drug test her.

[Anonymous]

Have you given her any autonomy? Sometimes they're looking for control and independence, but cant bc mommy and daddy are constantly calling the shots. So they push back in frustration and add in sass.

Also, what is her social media status? Do you have parental controls? Do you suspect bullying?

Hormones can really act up though and some kids react differently. Irrational, quick temper, emotional/crying, little things being highly dramatic, etc.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I wouldn't suspect hormones! I would think about friend issues, boy issues, problems at schools, with teachers, self esteem, self mutilation, etc.


All girls go through puberty, but we don't throw phones and call our moms bitch! Something else might be going on.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my 4 year old. I’m very afraid.

[Anonymous]

If you look through these threads, you will find lots of similar threads. It is 100% hormones.

Get and read these books ASAP:
- Getting to Calm
- Untangled

Take a deep breath, do the best you can, try to remember that you are the adult, and remember that this too shall pass. Your goal is to keep lines of communication open and mainain the best possible relationship during these turbulent times.

[Anonymous]

I did this.

I was awful from 6th through early 9th grade.

I don't know how my family lived with me.

I was great in high school and am a kind, mellow, functioning adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I wouldn't suspect hormones! I would think about friend issues, boy issues, problems at schools, with teachers, self esteem, self mutilation, etc.


All girls go through puberty, but we don't throw phones and call our moms bitch! Something else might be going on.

Its all of this together and throw in lots of friend re-shuffling that puts a TON of pressure on social status. I agree about giving her control when you can. Their life feels out of control so pick your battles and let her exercise independence where it really doesn't matter. I also found that when my DD was having an outsized reaction to something it helped to acknowledge that it was important to HER. For example, when freaking out about what to wear on a particular day rather than tell her shes being ridiculous, you say "It seems like looking just right is really important to you today" then wait . . . you may get the story behind the freakout. I suspect the sleepover was loaded with more than just a regular get together. For her it may have been important to solidify her social position in a changing landscape or just Fear of missing out (but that's a big thing to kids this age). Try to get her to talk about the feeling behind the rage bybeing willing to ask the questions and listen and dont tell her her feelings are invalid. That doesnt mean you give her anything she wants but my DD would accept no if I could say, "I understand why it's important to you because of x, y, z but I can't make it work today."

[Anonymous]

Be careful how you clamp down. Four weeks grounding was overkill. Punishments don't work. They just ratchet things up. You are right; you will lose her. Positive reinforcement wins the day.

[Anonymous]

Not to digress, but you grounded her for 4 weeks???? Yikes. Total overkill. Are you always that over the top and dramatic? I can see whereyour kid learned that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to digress, but you grounded her for 4 weeks???? Yikes. Total overkill. Are you always that over the top and dramatic? I can see whereyour kid learned that behavior.

Jeez. I’m not big into punishment, but if my kid threw their phone at any living being in our household, they’d be lucky to have it back in 4 weeks. if you don’t need the phone enough to take care of it, well...I guess you don’t really need it. I’m not sure I would have taken away anything except the phone, though. Kid would have spend the rest of the day/night in her room and that would likely have been the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to digress, but you grounded her for 4 weeks???? Yikes. Total overkill. Are you always that over the top and dramatic? I can see whereyour kid learned that behavior.

Jeez. I’m not big into punishment, but if my kid threw their phone at any living being in our household, they’d be lucky to have it back in 4 weeks. if you don’t need the phone enough to take care of it, well...I guess you don’t really need it. I’m not sure I would have taken away anything except the phone, though. Kid would have spend the rest of the day/night in her room and that would likely have been the end of it.

+1 no one is allowed to act like that within the family.

[Anonymous]

Commiseration OP- my DS11 (almost 12) is ramping up into a lot of drama. He would have done something like that, then spent the rest of the day dissolved in a puddle of guilt and shame, then the next day angry because he's still being punished for it (memory of a gnat) and "can't I ever just let anything go?" on and on. He's not even thirteen yet. Can't wait (not).

[Anonymous]

Has she started her period?

It got easier for my daughter to manage her emotions related to the hormonal shifts once she got her physical period. It was like the tangible evidence made something in her brain click and she realized that what she was feeling was due to her period. She was a monster for a good 12-14 months before her actual period started. Her Ped said it was 100% puberty related and her bodying preparing to menstruate. But it was like clockwork every month! One week she was just an absolute nightmare and then the following week she was less moody, but always complained she felt "bad" but couldn't label the "feeling bad." (very tired, grumpy, didn't want to do anything).

[Anonymous]

Second Untangled. Very very good. Also Yes Your Teen is Crazy.