Profound Depression and Anxiety Tween DD; DH 2 months sober....

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in writing, exactly, but here goes:

DD has been in therapy of some sort on and off since age 3: we have stepped up treatment since 4th grade (age 9). She has a trusted prescribing MD (psychiatrist); good pediatrician; excellent counselor (CBT techniques); and strong school counselor. DX is possible bipolar; generalized/severe anxiety disorder; severe depression (current); ADHD: she is also highly gifted as measured through assessment and product (art, athletic, verbal skills, 'grades,' etc.)

She has experienced suicidal ideation from time to time since age 9: it is very heightened in the past three weeks. The team is doing safety assessments regularly (at some points daily). The doctors' and therapists' feeling is removing her from her independent school would be disastrous as it is her 'anchoring space.'

DH has been a functional alcoholic for 27 years. Things came to a head 2 months ago (after multiple struggles with intervention, etc.,.). He is doing 'his best' but that, right now, basically means not being able to help (traveling for work, 'college reunion,' visiting an ill parent, etc.,. He is seeing a specialist and is on Naltroxdone (sp?) which has helped a great deal.

For all intents and purposes, I am a single parent right now: when DD is struggling (and these are increasing) if DH is at home or in town, he says 'is it okay if I go watch my show now?' and retreats downstairs. He has no idea what to do, and when he is with DD (which is very, very rare at this point) he can be thoughtless or even cruel (telling her that I said 'the dogs are going to die soon,' knowing that a) I didn't say this and b) this would devastate and worry her; taking her picture in front of friends when she is begging him to stop; telling her to stop eating so much because she is wasting food hen he knows she has huge insecurity about her body right now (and has cravings due to one medication; telling her to stop crying and then yelling at her to stop crying while watching a movie with him (movie was sad) in front of a friend that was with both of them; etc.,.). It's not good.

I have a chronic and debilitating disease and unfortunately have hypertension that is not responding to medication very well right now along with some troubling EKG's -- I have had limited mobility for some time as well. I am hanging in there -- we all are -- but it's tough.

We are, in short, a hot mess.

I want to help DC in every possible way (and DH too) and I suspect a hospitalization may be better in that regard for her
because to my (untrained) eye, she is really struggling mightily (journal entries which she asks me to read are very troubling -- I have shared with her medical team of course) and she is simply in a horrible place emotionally.

But I am honestly terrified -- terrified that if she is hospitalized, she may not be allowed to return to our home; terrified that someone will call CPS (she is not being abused nor am I but I just have a fear about this, especially when she is alone with DH); terrified that she will hurt herself even though (at doctor's direction and DC's request), she is not alone at any point), etc.,.

We no longer live in the area. I am very much 'alone' (no family in our new state, no friends outside of work/school community (complicated story but my employment is at her school although I have no interaction with DC), no family support 'back home').

Are there any online resources or national support groups to which I can look and any advice about how to 'know' when hospitalization really is the right and best choice (again, in consultation with th emedical team which has advised against until now)?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have an answer but want to extend my hugs and heart to you. This sounds very hard. “This too shall pass”.

In the meantime, stay strong, steady, open, and loving. Find ways to take care of yourself, take breaks where you can, and find support and connection. Are there parent peer groups where you’ve relocated you could find? At the very least Al Anon? It doesn’t solve it all, but taking things in part is sometimes all we can do.
I am really sorry. Sending you light and love.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Our children have identical profiles except that mine is a boy and did/does self harm. Hospitalization was the best thing we did. It gave my son a chance to reset with no responsibilities at all except to focus on treatment. Also my sons medication was not completely effective at the time of hospitalization. After hospitalization he went to a partial hospital program. It was his second time and this time it seems to have really helped.

Good luck to you and your family. You have far more on your plate than I do and this is draining my energy and joy of life. I can’t imagine how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Ex-wife of bipolar here. For support of bipolar family member, best support I ever found was bpso.org. The have an email listserv. Set up a separate email and get on it. (It generates too much email to use your personal or work rmail.) Because it is for significant others of bipolars, everyone can relate. I've never found another support fora with such a high volume of family members of bipolar. Even with a tentative diagnosis, they will probs let you on.

Do you have a therapist? You are dealing with so much and have so little for support that you need a responsible adult to vent to.

Has your DH been evaluated for bipolar or other MI? Alcoholism can arise out of a need to self-medicate. You need to stop keaving DD and DH alone together. Honestly, once you acknowledge to yourself that DH can't parent, a lot of stress will go away. While it is stressful to be a single parent, it is more stressful to have an unreliable co-parent. In this context, you simply must expand your network - church? hobbies? sports for kids? dog? any way you can meet other people and make friends will help.

Finally, on your DH- I know you want to help him but you can't. You need to let him go. He will either stop drinking or he won't and nothing you can do will change the direction of that. Your energy is better spent strengthening your own resources and self in case you need to divorce, which is something you need to consider seriously. Meanwhile, insist on participation in DH's psychiatry appointments periodically. Bipolars (if he is) are notoriously inaccurate reporters of their own mood and go untreated or misdiagnosed.

How is school for DD? Does she have a 504 plan? Is she able to accomplish in school what she wants? For very high IQ kids, school can be a stressor in ways that are unexpected.

[Anonymous]

how old is DD now?

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I agree with the advice from 07:31. You've got a lot on your plate. You sound like an amazing person and I wish I knew you in real life.

Your husband sounds like a dick. I understand alcoholism is a disease but his behavior with your DD is not explained by that. You should ask yourself if having him around helps your DD or hurts her.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered a therapeutic boarding school for your DD? A TBS would offer a longer-term approach to treatment than what you would likely find in most psychiatric hospital units, which are, for better or worse, geared toward crisis and crisis stabilization.

A further reason to think about a TBS is that many programs take a family systems approach, where it's not just the child that is the focus of treatment, but the dynamics in the family as a whole. With compassion, I would suggest that's what you may need.

If you want to learn more about TBS options, you might schedule a call with an educational consultant. Here in DC, the School Counseling Group has a consultant who specializes in therapeutic placements. There are other consultants across the country that have a similar specialty.

[Anonymous]

The usual criteria for hospitalization--as I'm sure your medical team has shared with you--are first, whether your DC is a danger to self or others, which usually means that there's evidence of an active suicide plan (beyond ideation) or instances of harm against others; second, whether basic daily functioning is compromised (e.g., refusing food, sleep, or medications).

In my DC's case, hospitalization was warranted in one instance when DC had purchased material to commit suicide, and in a second instance when noncooperation with therapy meant that there was no confidence that the therapist could assess whether DC was a danger to self. In our area, where demand for psychiatric beds outstrips supply, hospitals are usually pretty rigorous in their standards for hospitalization.

I'm going to echo something said earlier: it does sound like a family approach is in order here. If you can't get your DH to agree to family therapy, you and your DD could try finding an Al-Anon group. That's the part of AA that focuses on the impact of alcoholism on family members.

Just from what you've written, it sounds like your DD has multiple sources of trauma in her life, with one parent in the early stages of recovery, the other with a major illness. All the more reason to take a whole family approach.

[Anonymous]

Would it be possible for your daughter to go stay with her grandparents or a close friend? Her situation at home sounds really difficult right now and she might need some distance from it. I agree with the folks urging you to think about the effect your husband is having on you and her. Either going to al anon to start or you and your daughter staying separate from him for a while.

[Anonymous]

Please consider reaching out to an educational consultant. Here is the link to the national association so you can find one where you live (search for therapeutic specialist)
www.iecaonline.com

You can also look at the NATSAP programs if you can't find a consultant:
www.natsap.org

Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Honestly have to disagree with people who recommend theraputic boarding school or moving away to grandparents. Kids who are highly academic often find solace at school and in similarly academic peer group. It is very isolating to struggle with illness AND also be completely isolated from friends and social support. IME, when my DD was ill and on home and hospital, the situation was worse be ause of the isolation and resultant depression. Grandma and Grandpa don't make up for friends.

Yes, Dad sounds like a problem, but complete removal is not necessaily the answer. As long as Mom is reliable and protective it is better for child to be with mom if Mom can handle it.

The difficulty in this kind of situation is that normal social protocol says Mom and Dad shouldn't criticize each other and this ends up notmalizing behaviour by Dad that is damaging. Mom needs the guidance if the therapist to deal honestly with daughter about this. I have learned to say to my kids some version of, "what your dad said is wrong. it is not a reflection of your worth or how he feels about you, even though i understand it must be hurtful. Your Dad has an illness that makes him do wrong/thoughtless things. I know that's disappointing." You and DD have to learn to focus on yourselves. Ignore Dad mostly, unless things get physical. Kids have to learn to cope with and arparaye themselves from dysfunctionalmparents at a very young age, but they can do it with compassion and they can find other sources of adult stability.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to point out that the fears you've expressed are just that--fears. IME, it's quite unlikely that your child "would not be allowed to return home" after a hospitalization. Frankly, it's far more likely for kids in crisis to face difficulties getting into a psychiatric hospital: beds are in really short supply. Hospitals are for short-term, stabilizing treatment. When my DC was hospitalized for a suicide attempt, he was released much more quickly than I expected. (The other big factor is that kids are eager to get out of hospital, so they quickly learn to say what they have to say.) There's really no scenario I can think of--not even an involuntary hold--that would result in the kind of catastrophe you are imagining.

Getting reported to CPS is also pretty unlikely, given what you've outlined.

But you should get curious about why these fears are coming up for you. Do you need more knowledge about what psychiatric hospitals are like and what policies apply to involuntary holds in your state? Is your level of overwhelm so intense that you are (as my kid's therapist says) "kitchen sinking it"--i.e., piling on more and more drastic scenarios? If it's the latter, these fears are telling you that YOU need someone to talk to about all of this--a therapist of your own.

GL and strength to you.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough time in your household right now. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Have you considered getting professional counseling for yourself? Maybe a professional can help you know how to help or cope with what's going on in your DH and DD lives right now. There is a counseling line [https://bit.ly/2iH5wY2] that offers a one time complimentary counseling call. Maybe they can direct you to someone that can answer your questions about hospitalization. There are also organizations that you may want to consider contacting to help you deal with your husband's alcoholism [https://bit.ly/2yiuHtf]. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to check back in and say thank you to those who posted and sent counsel, suggestions, and warm thoughts.

We are in a much better place as a family and while it is very much one day at a time (and there are still eggshells that we walk over collectively and individually), the anxiety and fears are much less extreme and we all three see more light than darkness ahead -- much more light.

I know we're just beginning a new journey, that things are in flux, that I don't know what I don't now, and more, but I DO know that in this case, DCUM was there for me, whether or not I always knew it. (In the beginning, I was in such a bad space I couldn't check back in often and then couldn't check in at all, so I actually needed Jeff's help to find the thread to say thank you!)

For all those who may be reading this for the first time and find themselves in similar situations, I wish you peace and encourage some of the same words others shared here, from accepting to questioning to looking for support systems to simply 'taking care.'

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad that you are in a better place now and that things are starting to get better for your family. Thanks for checking in with us and best wishes for the future.