Ex suddendly requesting 50/50 custody

[Anonymous]

My ex and I were in a bad marriage since pregnancy. We have a 2-year old. Since pregnancy my ex always said that our child will live with me and that he wanted visitation. We separated six months ago. We have worked so far on an informal visitation schedule. Our child lives with me and I have allowed my ex to see our child as much as he wants. For the six months of separation he has only requested every other Saturday and pick up from daycare once or twice per week. Only one overnight has taken place. Ex is the type of guy who never has enough freedom and time for himself and his endless hobbies and activities. Co-parenting was working well. However, our separation grew very bitter due to other issues, such as another woman involved as we tried to reconcile, etc.

In preparation for our divorce, my lawyer advised to file directly a child custody and child support complaint. I did not know that we could have gone through mediation first. I went with my lawyer's advise on this. My lawyer said he filed directly to gain jurisdiction over ex, who is in the United States with a temporary work visa. It was unclear for a while whether ex was moving back to his country due to his immigration situation. I am hopping that we can settle an agreement without a judge, so we are working towards that. The problem is that ex is very bitter and resentful towards me. All of a sudden, after the filing, ex is requesting 50/50 custody with alternating weeks. Not only that but he wants to ramp up the visitation schedule from what I mentioned before to 50/50 in a matter of two or three weeks. They had their first overnight this past weekend. Our child has never been away from me. We have lived on/off with the father and now that we have been separated for six months we had the visitation schedule that I mentioned previously. While we lived together with our child (5 months), ex did a fair amount of baby sitting. However, throughout our marriage, ex was notorious for being overly optimistic and taking up on commitments he later on could not keep. I worry that ex does not fully grasp the level of responsibility that he is requesting. The fact that he never before showed interest in 50/50 custody before filing seems fishy to me. Ex has mentioned child support considerations in his request. Also, he is resentful towards me and feel that he is trying to hurt me this way since he knows I was looking for sole physical custody with visitation for him. I don't mind that our child spends more time with his dad, but I worry about the factors involved in the decision and I don't think it's necessarily the best for a 2 year old two be split equally in two ways. I don't even know if ex will be able to stay in the US for an extended period due to his visa issues.

What would you do? We live in DC, so presumption for shared custody seems to be the norm. I anticipate and don't mind that we share legal custody.

[Anonymous]

Absent any documented danger to the child, he will likely receive 50/50 physical custody as it is in the best interest of the child. While this might reduce his child support obligations, if he earns more than you, he will still pay some support.

Are you at all concerned that he will take your child back to his home country without your knowledge? Does your child even have a passport at this point? It would seem that dealing with the potential for a parent in another country might be the more pressing concern right now.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that your ex is filing for custody in order to reduce his child support obligations.

In your case, the first thing I would do would be to establish a custody schedule that reflects what is best for your child. A week with you and then a week with your ex is not that schedule. I was advised by my lawyer that toddlers do better when they see both parents frequently (if you are doing an actual 50/50 split). You need to have the schedule - whatever it is - legally established and you need to document every request to deviate from that schedule.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you refer to your ex as babysitting in your post? The attitude that mom is The Parent with Dad being just a Helper is really not helpful in the long run. What your ex was doing was actually "providing childcare", not babysitting.

[Anonymous]

He wants to pay less child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you refer to your ex as babysitting in your post? The attitude that mom is The Parent with Dad being just a Helper is really not helpful in the long run. What your ex was doing was actually "providing childcare", not babysitting.

It actually sounds fairly appropriate. She is the child's primary caregiver. Ex sees the kid once or twice a week only for the kid's entire life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for comments.

International travel taking our child is definitely a source of stress. Working out a strategy with lawyer on how to address this.

Childcare is a better term. English is not my first language either.

Thanks to the person who gave feedback on an appropriate schedule for a toddler.

[Anonymous]

You can notify the state department not to issue a passport to your child unless both parents consent. They put a note in their system about this. It's to prevent children being taken back to one parent's home country.

[Anonymous]

Here's the link about that:
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can notify the state department not to issue a passport to your child unless both parents consent. They put a note in their system about this. It's to prevent children being taken back to one parent's home country.

I thought both parents had to be physically present (or get notarized consent from absent parent) to even get a passport?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for comments.

International travel taking our child is definitely a source of stress. Working out a strategy with lawyer on how to address this.

Childcare is a better term. English is not my first language either.

Thanks to the person who gave feedback on an appropriate schedule for a toddler.

I would be concerned that the sudden 50-50 request is a potential precursor to taking your child overseas and maybe not coming back. Maybe he's getting your child used to more time with dad before leaving together, or he's trying to get you to resist 50-50 so dad can say you're not willing to do what's in your toddler's best interest... And he takes the kid on a visit to his home country and just doesn't return. You know he already may be having some visa issues where he might be forced to leave the US. I'd wonder if he knows (but hasn't told you) that he might be required to leave the US, and is setting things up to take your child.

I hate to sound so suspicious, OP. You know him and we don't so maybe you know that a parental kidnapping would just not be on his radar. I hope not. But I'd wonder about the sudden change in a man who was always so self-involved.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in 50/50 custody. A child needs one home base. They can't go back and forth all the time.

[Anonymous]

You need to do what is best for your child and only you know that.
I too would be worried about the dad taking the child to another country and not returning. That would be one hell of a battle depending what country he is from/flees to. This is especially concerning considering it does not sound like long term stay in the US is likely for him.
I just hope he is wanting time before he leaves, but better safe than sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe in 50/50 custody. A child needs one home base. They can't go back and forth all the time.

Thank goodness the courts don't agree with you.

[Anonymous]

I think i'd gut it out so my ex wasn't forced overseas. What is going to happen to his visa once you divorce is finalized? No way would I want my kids to be separated from their dad like that.