When the school tells you your kid is at risk for suicide

[Anonymous]

Head spinning. Summoned to school pyschologist. Based on texts my kid has sent to another child about wishing she were dead, how she wakes up hopeless, etc. they think she's a risk for suicide. This triggers a whole protocol of crisis counseling, including ER screening.

Teen says she doesn't want to harm/kill herself (although still frequently wishes she were dead). Previous counselor had concluded she is NOT depressed.

Still, trying to process this. Teen didn't want to go to school today, probably because didn't want to face people after the drama. Going to miss after-school activity as well.

Spending the day trying to find a NEW counselor (the old counselor really didn't click and then we moved).

Anyone been through this? Trying to take it seriously but it all seems very surreal and possibly blown out of proportion. I'm taking comfort in the declaration that she says she doesn't actually want to harm or kill herself, however one reason I think previous therapy failed is dd is a people pleaser and achievement-oriented so I suspect she tries to give answer she thinks adults (including therapists) want to hear.

Also upset that now she's got this "tag" at this (new) school and I worry it's going to follow her through her career there.

[Anonymous]

You can stop worrying about the label following her, that won't happen and it's not your priority right now.

Based on your description, I would trust your gut feeling about this, and perhaps you can talk about this to your child.

Be careful though. My BIL refused to think his son was suicidal, and he made two attempts... which to this day my BIL thinks were pleas for attention and not a desire to die. These things are complex.

[Anonymous]

Take it seriously, please, OP. I'm wishing you both the best.

[Anonymous]

Even if you are right that it's overblown, better to treat it as real. Better to make a mistake in taking it too seriously that not seriously enough. Sorry this is happening - maybe also try to find a counselor for yourself. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You also need a good psychiatrist. A good one can carefully assess risk better than a school counselor. I have a hard time believing your child is not depressed based on what she's texting. Maybe not suicidal, but any language about wanting to be dead should be taken more seriously than not. You need a good mental health team that your daughter trusts and will communicate with. For us, it took trying 3 different therapists and two different psychiatrists until we had the right fit.

[Anonymous]

If your child is in a new environment with a fresh start and yet still is reaching out to friends with these comments, do not brush it off. Clearly she's not worrying about a label being placed on her and is reaching out for help to whomever she can. Take her seriously please. Even if you think it's a little blown out of proportion and that she truly isn't out to harm herself, focus your conversation with her on how you want to help her feel better each and every day so she can be genuinely happier in her life. You sound like you're all doing the right things (she's crying out for help when she feels overwhelmed, the school is responding with seriousness, and you understand and have been working to get her help) and just need to get the right people in your lives to help.

[Anonymous]

I would take this seriously. She is telling you that she doesn't want to harm herself because she wants to please you. She does not need to please her friends so she tells the truth. Get her all the help she needs

[Anonymous]

OP, I had the same experience only with my son. New school, call from the guidance counselor, denied that he would kill himself or had a plan and then he tried. I spent a year not knowing if he would be alive when I got home. I had to check the house before I got the other kids out of the car. May have been the worst year ever. Counselor didn't help because he wouldn't talk. Things got better after I made major changes in his life - different school program, lots of structure, volunteer work instead of being home, etc. Good luck.

Also I am a social worker who worked with families of kids who committed suicide. Things I can tell you are these. No one can imagine their child trying to kill themselves and they never see it coming. It's always a shock. And suicide doesn't happen when things are the worst. It happens when things are on the upswing g. At that point people have the energy to plan and they can't fathom ever going back to the dark place they came from.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my son in 8th grade. Stress, not sleeping, feeling like a failure (he is dyslexic.. the source of his stress... actually the source is bad teachers... anyway)

We still sent him to school to keep his pattern.
We started therapy immediately.
We worked on better sleeping patterns, meditation, healthy eating, exercise.
We determined the source of the "issues"... teachers.
We found a school that was a "better fit"
We stopped therapy.

[Anonymous]

Ask on the SN boards for a good adolescent psychiatrist and psychologist in your area.

[Anonymous]

My son was in elementary school when we were called to the school. We started therapy and added in Zoloft. Depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin. It took a good 6-12 months for him to really seem stable, although he was too young most likely to actually kill himself. We are glad we got hold of it before the teen years and I am still watchful.

[Anonymous]

OP check out rathbone and associates dbt program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had the same experience only with my son. New school, call from the guidance counselor, denied that he would kill himself or had a plan and then he tried. I spent a year not knowing if he would be alive when I got home. I had to check the house before I got the other kids out of the car. May have been the worst year ever. Counselor didn't help because he wouldn't talk. Things got better after I made major changes in his life - different school program, lots of structure, volunteer work instead of being home, etc. Good luck.

Also I am a social worker who worked with families of kids who committed suicide. Things I can tell you are these. No one can imagine their child trying to kill themselves and they never see it coming. It's always a shock. And suicide doesn't happen when things are the worst. It happens when things are on the upswing g. At that point people have the energy to plan and they can't fathom ever going back to the dark place they came from.

NP. Thank you for this post. This is a very important point - quite chilling, actually - but thank you for pointing it out.

[Anonymous]

As a former teen who often contemplated and twice attempted suicide, I really echo what the social worker parent said above. My loving, involved parents did not take this seriously - I suspect they just thought it was a plea for attention. I would have answered like op's daughter, that I had no plan to kill myself but often wished I was dead. In retrospect, I think that my suicide attempts were actually driven by a desire that someone could see how unhappy I often was. Also in retrospect, I couldn't see the permanence of suicide - I acted/reacted in the moment, and even if 99.9% of the time I actually meant it that I didn't want to kill myself, every so often I acted on the impulse. That's why you have to take a teen's statements seriously. Please get your child an appointment with a counselor stat, op. Can you pediatrician recommend someone? Can someone on this board? My kids are you ger but we've used the Stixrud practice for therapy for anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had the same experience only with my son. New school, call from the guidance counselor, denied that he would kill himself or had a plan and then he tried. I spent a year not knowing if he would be alive when I got home. I had to check the house before I got the other kids out of the car. May have been the worst year ever. Counselor didn't help because he wouldn't talk. Things got better after I made major changes in his life - different school program, lots of structure, volunteer work instead of being home, etc. Good luck.

Also I am a social worker who worked with families of kids who committed suicide. Things I can tell you are these. No one can imagine their child trying to kill themselves and they never see it coming. It's always a shock. And suicide doesn't happen when things are the worst. It happens when things are on the upswing g. At that point people have the energy to plan and they can't fathom ever going back to the dark place they came from.

Thank you for this. I didn't know.