including/excluding kids from DS's birthday
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Anonymous
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DS is turning 13 soon and will be having an informal birthday celebration with friends (like go carts & pizza). He attends a small charter school (not DC area) and wants to invite 10 of the 15 boys in his class. Three of the boys he is not inviting are a tight knit trio who share no interests with DS, so I agree not inviting them is fine. However, the other 2 boys do after school clubs with DS and the invited boys, and seem interested in being part of that friend group. DS doesn't want to invite them because he says they are kind of rude/mean and annoying (e.g., in PE class they'll tease someone who misses a shot and brag about their own skills that aren't any better). From my perspective the 2 boys are OK kids who are bit socially awkward/insecure and are trying to fit in by "being cool" but are missing the mark. If there were 50 boys in his class I wouldn't care, but essentially inviting only 10 out of a group of 12 kids who hang out at school seems mean and sends a specific message to those two that they aren't "part of the group". (And everyone is polite to these 2 boys but it's not reasonable to think that the party will never come up within their earshot).
I explained all of this to DS and he still doesn't want to invite them. We agreed to take the day to think about it. Aside from telling him one more time "not inviting these boys will probably hurt their feelings" is there anything else I should do? Forcing him to invite them doesn't seem like a good choice for anyone, and forcing him to exclude other friends (so that the number of invitees is smaller) seems silly too. DS has been excluded from events he would have enjoyed being invited too, so he knows what that's like, though he has never struggled just to make friends which I think is what is going on with these boys. Also, I have a younger DD with special needs. She is very sweet and polite, but very socially awkward. I worry a lot about her being socially excluded as she gets older so I'm sure those emotions are affecting me now. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. |
Anonymous
| I think your instincts are right. Tell him that he can have a very small party (5-6 kids) or he needs to invite these boys. He doesn't have to like it. Just explain that although it is his birthday, it's not all about him. As the host, you also have to make sure you are doing the right thing.You're paying, your rules (whatever you think those should be). |
Anonymous
| At 13, your son should be able to choose who to invite. |
Anonymous
| I think you are better off not inviting these boys. Inviting 10 of the 15 is better than inviting 12 of the 15. Even if you think it is clear that the other 3 are their own 'group' they might not see it that way. Also, DS has a better sense of just how mean these other 2 boys are and it may be worse than you realize on a day to day basis. If you trust your son's instincts in that regard (you know your son best) then he is saying that he is not friends with these boys for a good reason. |
Anonymous
| Let you kid invite who he wants. There was a thread about a similar situation and mom insisted on inviting other kids that her kid didn't want, I think birthday or play date, and it backfired pretty badly. He is 13, if it causes conflict afterwards, he can deal with it himself. Your job is not to protect other kids from real life. |
Anonymous
Ditto. Trust your son's assessment of these boys since he's with them every day vs. your occasional experience. |
Anonymous
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My inclination would be to expand from 10 to 12, but then 12 out of 15 is almost worse... so it ends up being all 15... but is there anything wrong with that (if you are willing to pay entrance for all 15)?
I have girls, so it is perhaps different, but with instagram, etc. the kids left out will know what they are missing instantly and will feel very left out. |
Anonymous
| Through middle school, my expectation is either the kids have a very small party (4-5 close friends) or they invite a defined 'group.' All kids of same gender in the class, on the soccer team, etc. That way if a kid feels left out, they can deduce (or be told) that the invites were limited to the team or the class or whatever. (I sometimes make an exception to add a single best friend if that person isn't in the class this year.) |
Anonymous
| We are in a small school and if it was me, I would just have him invite all 15. Some kids won't come and that's fine. |
Anonymous
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I'm of the mindset that your kid should invite smaller, or invite all the kids. The reason why is there are so many uncontrollable social ripple effects to this, some which may involve the parents of the kids. (It's also just the nice, inclusive thing to do--the big-hearted generous thing to do.)
Those kids will most likely self-select out of the situation anyways. But even if they don't, I think there is one factor that parents often don't take into consideration, and that is their own kids' daily contact with the individuals. It's like work, you are dealing with that person every damn day. So rather than looking at it short-term ("I deal with that person every day, I don't want to have to deal with them on the weekend, too") inviting them is an investment in making that future daily situation at best the same, or possibly better. Most importantly, it's an investment in making sure the future daily situation doesn't get worse. I look at it as controlling for as much as you can. |
Anonymous
| I agree-10 or 12 out of 15 is about exclusion. If he invited less than half the boys, that would be fine, but this is not. |
Anonymous
I like that way of thinking about it. It's not just about the birthday party--your son is in class with these kids every day. The only way I'd be okay with excluding one or two kids is if they were physically violent or bullying my kid. But these boys sound like pretty run-of-the-mill tweens. Maybe ask your son what he would say to the boys if they ask why they aren't invited? And while I agree that kids should generally be able to choose their guests, they are still kids, and they are still learning social skills, so I always retain veto power. |
Anonymous
| After kindergarten, I just let my kids invite whoever they actually wanted to socialize with. At school they must play politely with everyone, but a party is by its very nature about getting together with a group of people the host specifically likes and wants to spend more time with. |
Anonymous
+1. And the non-invited kids should have the opportunity to learn a lesson and grow up. |
Anonymous
I agree with both posts above. Some of the "let him decide and let him deal with any consequences at school" folks seem to have missed the fact that he is in a small school and has to see these same 15 kids every day. It's not like he's inviting 10 out of 30 in one class, or 10 out of a grade of 300 as at our school. I would make this about the activitiy and the cost involved. Having 10 boys doing go-karts sounds like a massive pain, frankly, and what are the fees for an activitiy like that for 10 kids? I'd say, fewer kids means a cooler activity, so you can invite three to five other boys and that's it. That makes a total of four to six including your son. The smaller number can mean you afford MORE go-kart time (rather than a shorter time for more kids); you can have better food (maybe instead of pizza at the go-kart place in some party room, instead they'd be able to go out to a restaurant that also has games like the chain Dave and Buster's if you have them near you); and so on. I don't see having birthday parties that large, for either gender, in schools/classes of any size, past about the age of eight or nine. Once kids are older they tend to want to hang with fewer but closer friends and do more interesting things. Make it about the activity and NOT about "social consequences." |