ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

I'm single (never married) and recently found out that a ONS from a while back in the town I went college in had a child some time ago. The mother lives a few hours away from here in southern VA and to be honest I don't really remember her although I suppose that doesn't really matter at this point. It's pretty obvious that I messed up and made a major life mistake so there's no need to pile on about that. I am very aware of my mistake and I'm not really interested in re-visiting that issue here.

Child support has been resolved through the child support guidelines along with the arrears from when the case was pending. I have discussed that issue with my lawyer and the guidelines in VA are fairly straightforward so I am fairly knowledgeable about how all that works. The payment is a lot of money in the abstract but I don't see it affecting me day to day as I live a fairly frugal lifestyle.

I am curious whether there are any family relationship or other issues along that line I should be considering or is simply a matter of paying the child support until the age of majority?

[Anonymous]

So wait. You fathered a child from a one night stand? And you are worried about the money?

You are a father. You have a child.

Your post is so unemotional I am not even sure where to begin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So wait. You fathered a child from a one night stand? And you are worried about the money?

You are a father. You have a child.

Your post is so unemotional I am not even sure where to begin.

I said in the post that I don't expect the financial end of it to be an issue. I mentioned that because it was one facet that I have more or less fully considered and I don't think it would be productive to discuss it further here.

[Anonymous]

Please tell me you had a paternity test done.

If you are 100% sure you are the father, then you should think hard about this child. You may not be ready to be present in his life right now (and indeed may face opposition from the mother and her family), but in time you may change your mind, and realize how you wasted the precious years of his childhood.

I advise you to read a book on child development, so you are educated and aware of how this child will grow and when are the best windows of opportunity for bonding with him. Hint - not when he's a teen or adult.

[Anonymous]

So you are the father for sure? Congrats. Kids are a lot of work. Get ready!

[Anonymous]

This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Please tell me you had a paternity test done.

If you are 100% sure you are the father, then you should think hard about this child. You may not be ready to be present in his life right now (and indeed may face opposition from the mother and her family), but in time you may change your mind, and realize how you wasted the precious years of his childhood.

I advise you to read a book on child development, so you are educated and aware of how this child will grow and when are the best windows of opportunity for bonding with him. Hint - not when he's a teen or adult.

Yes, I was represented during the child support proceedings and part of that proceeding included a paternity test. Thank you for your other thoughts, I will consider them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy who had this situation. The child lived with her mom most of the time about 8 hours away and he went to see her a few weekends out of the month, plus longer times at holidays and during the summer. He is a fantastic dad and it only made me like and respect him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

Don't worry - decent people will not hold it against you provided you show that you are a responsible and caring parent. That's all any prospective partner wants, because it proves how good a father you might be to her kids, or future kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

Agreed. You seem very detached from it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

+1. I wouldn't reject someone for having a child from a ONS where they've stepped up and been a father. I was run far away from someone who had a child (ONS or not) whom they treated as a financial obligation and nothing more.

Have you met your child? Do you plan to have a relationship with him/her?

[Anonymous]

Depending on how old the child is why don't you and the mother decide how and when she will let the child know and when and if they want to make contact. The child will want to know who their father is when they get older. As someone who has over 20 years working with families and children a younger child doesn't really realize what they don't have but as they get older they will start asking questions.

Why don't you write and date a letter to the child every year about your life so when and if they child reaches out to you they can know your likes, dislikes and a story or two about your family and upbringing. Just a thought.