ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you aren't willing to step up and be involved in your child's life then honestly you don't deserve to be a father at all and shouldn't have any future children with future partners. I'm so sad for your child. Please get a vasectomy

This is ridiculous reasoning. He was nothing more than a sperm donor here, not a willing partner.

Women have such double standards. They have total freedom whether to have a child or not via abortion, but deny it to men.

[Anonymous]

Men should have a say in whether a woman gives birth to a child sired by him. I am a woman but I know women who have trapped men by getting pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men should have a say in whether a woman gives birth to a child sired by him. I am a woman but I know women who have trapped men by getting pregnant.

I don't even know where to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

My father was briefly married a year or so before he met my mother. The marriage produced a son that I believe he never stayed in touch with. I didn't find out until I was about 12. I want to tell you that I never thought about the fact that my reality "would have been different", I never wondered what it meant to him to be a dad or similar. I think about that half-sibling occasionally and in passing, but I know we were raised very differently and probably would have had nothing in common if we met. In short, no, you are wrong with your (2) there.

My Grandmother and Grandfather were married briefly. She had an affair and kicked him out, threatened to call the cops if he ever came around. He left the area, remarried and had 2 more children and did not contact my mom until she was in her late teens when his new wife encouraged him to do so.

This scarred my mom in innumerable ways she has never really been able to overcome. She is impossible to deal with interpersonally because of all her issues, but I make allowances because of her background. If I was OP, I wouldn't want to have a child grow up with all the abandonment issues my mom has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

My father was briefly married a year or so before he met my mother. The marriage produced a son that I believe he never stayed in touch with. I didn't find out until I was about 12. I want to tell you that I never thought about the fact that my reality "would have been different", I never wondered what it meant to him to be a dad or similar. I think about that half-sibling occasionally and in passing, but I know we were raised very differently and probably would have had nothing in common if we met. In short, no, you are wrong with your (2) there.

My Grandmother and Grandfather were married briefly. She had an affair and kicked him out, threatened to call the cops if he ever came around. He left the area, remarried and had 2 more children and did not contact my mom until she was in her late teens when his new wife encouraged him to do so.

This scarred my mom in innumerable ways she has never really been able to overcome. She is impossible to deal with interpersonally because of all her issues, but I make allowances because of her background. If I was OP, I wouldn't want to have a child grow up with all the abandonment issues my mom has.

Exactly!! All you woman-hating posters who are getting off on your tangents are completely missing the point: regardless of what the mom did, how she should've handled it, what say Op should have had...at this point, it doesn't matter. It's about the CHILD. Who, like it or not, is his child. And will have serious (lifelong) issues if (s)he has to grow up knowing his/her father chose not to be in his/her life. THAT's what matters now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further. [/quot



I read all the posts until here. I am going to guess most replies are coming from on women with knowledge ds. I too have two kids I can't imagine abandoning. But if OP were my brother and if ONS is shady and a bad seed, I'd say just abandon the baby. Why try have a tumultuous relationship? For men there may get be instant bonding at the sight of a baby or toddler. One could invest time to form a bond, but for what? I would just think of this as having donated to a sperm bank and don't form a relationship with the kid. Too bad for the kid, but shit happens. There are tons of kids who are born to single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.

+1 the child is still an abstract to him. Do I think he could be more interested? Of course. But this is a huge, huge choice that was a) made for him and b) hidden from him intentionally so I don't blame him for being analytical and cautious.

And for all of the PPs who are being self-righteous about condoms, sex outside of a committed relationship, etc...I'm sure you've all been perfect. Most likely, you've just been lucky.

I feel the same way and I'm a woman. When I get into a crisis, I shut down emotions or I cannot effectively deal with things. If I let feelings creep in, it's very hard for me to see all the choices and make rational, well thought out decisions. He needs to make the best choice, hopefully for both him and the child. He needs to be level headed. The baby mama sounds pretty shady. He'll have a lifetime for emotions, whatever he chooses.

OP, I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that I'm an abandoned child. My mom wasn't deceitful and didn't hide my existence. She married my biological father. They were young and dumb. When she realized she wasn't on the path to happiness with him, she left. He refused to pay child support, so she went after him hard. She backed him into a corner and gave him the choice of her being relentless about money and quality care for me, or her leaving him alone if he'd give up custody. He chose the latter. (At first I blamed him exclusively, but now I see her role in it.) It really messed me up for a while. I'm good now, but it was hard being a child, teenager, young adult, going through all sorts of milestones and every day life knowing my father chose not to be in my life. It took a lot of therapy and it still hurts. It's the worst kind of rejection, knowing a parent actively doesn't want you. I'm pretty sure he regretted his choice, because he tried to contact me later in life. There were some middle pages to the story that I won't go into, but I eventually chose not to have a relationship with him.

I don't know if you'll regret not being more than a checkbook to this kid. I like to think you will, but different people feel different things. Having children later might be fulfilling enough. Or having children later might wake you up to what you missed and make you wish you'd acted differently. No one can know that. And it would be silly to sugarcoat it and say it'll be easy. There's a lot of travel, legal fees, and stress in custody disagreements. You got a raw deal, the way the mother handled things, but you still could be a good parent. Her questionable behavior makes me think the child might need a positive role model even more than if the mom had behaved normally.

Finally some levelheaded nonemotional answer. I agree with this person.

[Anonymous]

The title of your thread says it all. You have no concern for the woman who will be raising your child 24/7. No concern for the child who will grow up without a present father. Only concern for yourself.

You need to take a good hard look at yourself. Your actions go beyond stupid (i.e. not wearing a condom) to wantonly reckless and selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of your thread says it all. You have no concern for the woman who will be raising your child 24/7. No concern for the child who will grow up without a present father. Only concern for yourself.

You need to take a good hard look at yourself. Your actions go beyond stupid (i.e. not wearing a condom) to wantonly reckless and selfish.

And what about the woman who got pregnant by a man she didn't know, and can't support the child without the father's financial help? She is the selfish, reckless one.

[Anonymous]

That woman is not posting on this forum. Who cares about her? Seriously, what is your point? The poster has a child. He has to decide how he will act now. The mother's actions, even if you disapprove, are irrelevant. One person's behavior, even if theoretically reprehensible, does not negate one's own moral obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

The flip side is that it sounds like the mother did not tell OP when she was pregnant and then tracked OP down later after the child was already a toddler, purely for the money. So in essence the courts allow the mom to control not only her body, but his sperm. No wonder OP's reaction is somewhat emotion-less. The fact that he's reaching out on a forum where mostly judgmental women post suggests he has a heart, but doesn't want to be a dupe.

The bottom line is that he has a child who, without his financial and emotional involvement, is unlikely to enjoy the advantages he has experienced. Does that sit well with him or not? That ought to drive his behavior.

Cry me a river, poor man. We should feel sorry for the kid not this man baby.

Just a clarification, he had complete control of his sperm until he left it inside her vagina. "What would I do if this resulted in an unplanned pregnancy?" is a question that all sexually active adults should be prepared to answer. He is not a victim here.

He may not be a victim, but he also had no say whatsoever in whether the pregnancy should terminate or be carried to term. To expect him to warm up immediately now to being a dad when the mom has treated him like a bank account betrays a weak understanding of the male psyche. Men make better fathers when their children are planned or at least the product of a then-stable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of your thread says it all. You have no concern for the woman who will be raising your child 24/7. No concern for the child who will grow up without a present father. Only concern for yourself.

You need to take a good hard look at yourself. Your actions go beyond stupid (i.e. not wearing a condom) to wantonly reckless and selfish.

The woman who used no birth control snd chose to have unprotected sex us blameless? It was a ONS, nothing more. Why should he give a damn about this bastard kid? He is paying child support and owes nothing more. He should have had a choice in whether woman terminated and if he wanted to and she didn't to then she is on her own.

[Anonymous]

Let this be a lesson guys, always take charge of your own birth control -- and be vigilant if you insist on one night stands.

Otherwise you are going to be a daddy, especially if access to birth control and abortions is tightened even more than it already is.

Sorry op, things happen and you are at least financially liable. Hope you will try to have some kind of involvement in the child's life.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your parents are still in your life, have you told them? They might want to be involved with their grandchild. Even if you aren't ready for an emotional relationship with your child, perhaps your parents might be and that would be an easier way for you to get to know your child as I can certainly understand why it would be daunting for you to spend time with a baby on your own (or with a woman that you barely know).

[Anonymous]

NP, I'm a mother of 4 and after going through 5 pages of ridiculing this guy, I am actually sympathetic and understand where he's coming from. Bonds aren't formed by blood, bonds are formed by relationships, so the fact that he doesn't feel anything for a kid that was just recently sprung on him out of the blue is quite normal. Some of you people are so full of yourselves and full of shit that it's hard to digest at times.

I'd be hella resentful if the first notification of a kid of mine came attached with a wage garnishment! Two way stream here and the mother is just as responsible for cleaning up the mess that was made. No way in hell would I go through with a one night stand pregnancy. Babies being brought into this world should be the agreement of the mother and father, not a unilateral decision made by a stranger. Hell, maybe I'm a sociopath too...