Spin off. If you were emotionally/psychologically abused by your parents what it your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Interested to know what kind of relationship you have with your parents now and the relationship you have with your own kids.

I was abused by my mother from when I was about 7 until my early 30s. Obviously it was much worse when I was a child because I had no escape. When it happened as an adult it was always on visits/on the phone and subtle.

Cut her off 3 years ago and never looked back.

Another sibling also doesn't talk to her for related but different reasons.
Other sibling still close with her even though she fully admits she felt the abuse too.

My kids are young but I am constantly watching what I say because I constantly fear that some of my mother is innately inside me and Im terrified to hurt my kids like that. And yes, I'm in therapy.

I wish more people could realize how badly words and actions can hurt.

[Anonymous]

I have a relationship with both, but very limited in depth. I don't share how I feel about important things with them. Both had their own childhood traumas and are still struggling. They have a good relationship with my super compliant charming older child, but I have to monitor them with the younger, less confident one. They are still hyper critical and say horrible things impulsively.

It's okay to disengage how ever much makes you feel safe. One brother has no contact with any of us.

[Anonymous]

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive to the entire family, and physically aggressive towards my mother. He stopped speaking to me when I was a young teenager (we lived in the same house) and only pretended like he was a member of the family when other people were around. I left for college at 18, and my mother filed for divorce shortly thereafter. I never saw or spoke to him again by my own choice, and he's dead now. Never met my spouse, never met my children.

My mother is a perfectly nice but very emotionally immature person. She did not protect any of the kids from my father's abuse nor leave the situation, though she had family support and resources to do so. She blames us kids for "making her stay" and for upsetting him (we were all pretty well-behaved, easy to deal with kids -- good grades, no drugs/alcohol/sneaking out, helped around the house). We get along a lot better now that we live more than 100 miles apart and we can focus on talking about the grandkids. I expect very little of her and am always pleasantly surprised when she calls to talk to my kids or visits. I rarely share my own personal successes with her because, even though I know she speaks proudly about them to others, her comments to me directly are often passive-aggressive or implies that it's obtained sheerly by luck rather than an effort I put forth.

I was extremely fortunate to have a good relationship with my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. That helped get me out of the house and showed me what positive, loving relationships were supposed to look like. I'm not sure where I'd be without that, but I'm really grateful I had those people in my life.

I did therapy, and that was very helpful to establish what I could control versus what I couldn't and to make peace with the situation. I am very cognizant of how I deal with my kids, though.

[Anonymous]

Lots of therapeutic work, lots of reading and thinking about healthy parenting and relationships etc for me.

I keep things entirely superficial with my mom. We are cordial and can get along and chat like acquaintances, but don't see each other or talk often. To give her any real information or to open yourself to her is to give her ammunition to try to control and hurt you. So I place a boundary that never comes down. Learned that the hard way over many years.

Accept that you can't fix people. Grieve over the parent you never had and never will have, and become your own loving parent. And then pass that good parenting along to your kids.

I am hyper-aware and mindful with my kids. Sometimes, having bad parenting teaches you how to be a better parent.

[Anonymous]

My sister left at 18 and has limited contact since. Enough to get her degree and join a fundie cult....they even made the news! She left the cult and has 4 kids and is doing well. We have very very limited contact and I haven't seen her in like 8 years. I am just now limiting my parent contact. Everything is very superficial and I am giving them limited contact with my kids. Luckily they live far away and it helps!

[Anonymous]

I was emotionally and physically abused. I now have a normal relationship with my parents.

I had an epiphany of sorts one day and it changed everything and allowed me to put it all behind me.

[Anonymous]

They're cut off. No contact. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

I have a very limited relationship with my parents. We speak about once a week. The conversations are superficial. I see them maybe once every few years. They make no effort to see me and my kids either, which is fine by me.

[Anonymous]

I had a few years of complete cut-off in my early 30s when I realized in a single instant that I was a full-blown, successful adult with my own life, and did not need to be running after daddy anymore. It was a GREAT decision. In my mid 30s, their poor health and the birth of my child brought me back in touch on a very limited basis. For a few years that was fine -- having my own kid somehow made me impervious to them and they sensed that. But a family crisis revealed that dysfunction lives on (including my own reaction to them) so now I have only the barest minimum of contact and never visit. I suppose I will try to make one last visit before my dad dies. Maybe I am in denial, but I have no emotions about them anymore. I just do not care.

[Anonymous]

Zero relationship.

[Anonymous]

My mother has been cut off completely for the last 15 years or so. She's tried to contact me via FB, but I just delete all her messages. I still have a relationship with one of my brothers, and am fine other one, but we're just not close.

I have zero regrets, although a TINY part of me is sad that she'll never know what having two grandmothers feels like, but as I know my mother can't be trusted, it's still a decision I'm happy with.

[Anonymous]

I cut my dad off (emotionally abusive) for about 5 years and we are talking again. I wish him a happy birthday, happy father's day and that is it. I do not contact his wife at all and do not even call/visit at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I get a phone call and $100 for my birthday. I have seen him once in the last 6 years.

I really wish I had never opened up that relationship again. Just like PP, we have a very superficial relationship because anything I say turns into "you just aren't ever going to be as good as me".

[Anonymous]

I should also mention, I have thought about cutting him off again but have a significant inheritance on the line (probably a million at this point). I still think of walking away from that because he is so awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should also mention, I have thought about cutting him off again but have a significant inheritance on the line (probably a million at this point). I still think of walking away from that because he is so awful.

It's funny, my dad thinks we want to keep in touch with him minimally because we think he has money. We don't think he has money and even if we did, we don't care enough about money to overlook the trauma he inflicted on us. However, we do recognize his own truly horrific childhood left him unable to parent in a healthy way and we saw how his mother's death left him unable to find closure. Plus, I want to teach my kids forgiveness and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a few years of complete cut-off in my early 30s when I realized in a single instant that I was a full-blown, successful adult with my own life, and did not need to be running after daddy anymore. It was a GREAT decision. In my mid 30s, their poor health and the birth of my child brought me back in touch on a very limited basis. For a few years that was fine -- having my own kid somehow made me impervious to them and they sensed that. But a family crisis revealed that dysfunction lives on (including my own reaction to them) so now I have only the barest minimum of contact and never visit. I suppose I will try to make one last visit before my dad dies. Maybe I am in denial, but I have no emotions about them anymore. I just do not care.

Wow this sounds like me. I am 34 and moved back and thought everything was in the past except recent events shows they are the same and I have reacted to their dysfunction poorly. So luckily I am not the one who cut off contact (my mom is giving me the silent treatment and I can hear her comments running in my head because I know what she says when she does this to other people) but it has really exposed their dysfunction.