Why are so many women here so angry with / resentful toward women who stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel a lot of ambivalence towards SAH moms, because it's always SAH moms and not SAH parents. It's totally fine if one parent wants to step back from their career and focus on the family (and is often very good for the family!), but there is still a lot of social pressure for women to step into that role that men to not receive. When I got married in my mid 20s, I heard questions about whether I was going to step back when we had kids, whether I was going to take a lower prestige/lower pressure job so my husband could focus on his career and I could the raise kids, etc. Why didn't anyone ask my husband whether he was going to step back his career ambitions to start a family years before kids were even in the picture?

Until it's seen as an equally acceptable/normal path for men (and men decide to SAH in equal numbers), it will always be a choice that is colored by gender politics. Even if it's the best choice for your family, it still is a choice that was influenced by societal norms that women have been trying to crack for decades.

This attitude is what I loathe about feminism. I hate to break it to you, but men and women are DIFFERENT! Look around at the animal kingdom. Mothers are always the primary caregivers. Feminism ignores or at best downplays this very real desire, that the majority of women WANT to be the one most involved in raising their kids And yes, I know there are exceptions, so I don't need to hear a bunch of women posting, "But, that's not me!"

But you can be involved in raising your children while having a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I'm a sahm with school age kids and it's not mind numbingly dull. In fact I think my life is more interesting than those who have no time for anything but work and child rearing, because I actually have time to pursue my interests.
Interesting comments. Most of the SAHMs I know here in the DC area became parents later in life and already had successful careers - and made big financial contributions to the family - before taking time off of work to spend more time with their children. And many plan to go back to work in some capacity.

This is in fact what happens in most cases. Even as a former sah, however, I do think permanent sahs are a bit lame.

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

You would understand if you were ever a sah with kids in school. It's mind numbingly dull after a few months, all the smart moms are back to work. A good gig if you like event planning as that is what permanent SAH moms seem to obsess over (fundraising, teacher appreciation day, mom's night out, etc. .) Frankly, I'd rather just attend.

I'm a sahm with kids in school and my life is not dull. In fact, I think it's probably more interesting than those whose lives revolve around work and child rearing. I actually have time to pursue my own interests. I'm convinced that people like the poster above are the same ones who plan on working as long as they can because they can't imagine being retired.

Nice that your husband is willing to work so you can pursue your interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel a lot of ambivalence towards SAH moms, because it's always SAH moms and not SAH parents. It's totally fine if one parent wants to step back from their career and focus on the family (and is often very good for the family!), but there is still a lot of social pressure for women to step into that role that men to not receive. When I got married in my mid 20s, I heard questions about whether I was going to step back when we had kids, whether I was going to take a lower prestige/lower pressure job so my husband could focus on his career and I could the raise kids, etc. Why didn't anyone ask my husband whether he was going to step back his career ambitions to start a family years before kids were even in the picture?

Until it's seen as an equally acceptable/normal path for men (and men decide to SAH in equal numbers), it will always be a choice that is colored by gender politics. Even if it's the best choice for your family, it still is a choice that was influenced by societal norms that women have been trying to crack for decades.

This attitude is what I loathe about feminism. I hate to break it to you, but men and women are DIFFERENT! Look around at the animal kingdom. Mothers are always the primary caregivers. Feminism ignores or at best downplays this very real desire, that the majority of women WANT to be the one most involved in raising their kids And yes, I know there are exceptions, so I don't need to hear a bunch of women posting, "But, that's not me!"

Sigh. I really hate the comparisons to the animal kingdom. Most animals have no contact with their young after they reach maturity, a few months or years. Most animals have tons of offspring.

It's only been in the last several decades women have 1-3 kids on average and not having more of a communal support system to raise them. There's nothing inherent or natural about a woman staying home with 1 or 2 kids and spending her day with her kids vs. spending most of the day on domestic chores, farm work, gathering food. Let's cut the crap. If you want to stay home, I'm ALL FOR IT if it works for your family but don't play the "it's only natural for women!" card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and felt judgment from mothers who worked. Then I got a job and now am shunned/ignored by my SAHM friends.

You want a friend around here, get a dog. People suck.

I wouldn't care what anyone thinks. Do what you enjoy, they're miserable people if they're judging/jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel a lot of ambivalence towards SAH moms, because it's always SAH moms and not SAH parents. It's totally fine if one parent wants to step back from their career and focus on the family (and is often very good for the family!), but there is still a lot of social pressure for women to step into that role that men to not receive. When I got married in my mid 20s, I heard questions about whether I was going to step back when we had kids, whether I was going to take a lower prestige/lower pressure job so my husband could focus on his career and I could the raise kids, etc. Why didn't anyone ask my husband whether he was going to step back his career ambitions to start a family years before kids were even in the picture?

Until it's seen as an equally acceptable/normal path for men (and men decide to SAH in equal numbers), it will always be a choice that is colored by gender politics. Even if it's the best choice for your family, it still is a choice that was influenced by societal norms that women have been trying to crack for decades.

This attitude is what I loathe about feminism. I hate to break it to you, but men and women are DIFFERENT! Look around at the animal kingdom. Mothers are always the primary caregivers. Feminism ignores or at best downplays this very real desire, that the majority of women WANT to be the one most involved in raising their kids And yes, I know there are exceptions, so I don't need to hear a bunch of women posting, "But, that's not me!"

You don't sound very familiar with the animal kingdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what other people do. I did absolutely hate the two years my wife didn't work because she complained constantly, realized she hated being home full time, went into a deep depression (which she was resistant to treating for six awful months), kind of sucked at the job, and nearly drove us into divorce. That was awful.

We are a zillion times happier with both of us working. Yes, it's hectic, but we both pitch in and do our part to make the machine that is our lives run smoothly.

Other people? Do you.

I was the wife who,felt this way. Being a sah is so far from the nirvana some have described in this thread. If it works for you, have at it. It is a temporary phase for many. Both sides are at fault for stirring up resentment on this thread, but the bring a sah is just so fun posts that I find irritating. If your love it,great. Some don't.

Being a SAH to toddlers, in our case 3 of them at a time, is easily the hardest job I've ever had. I always laugh when I hear people suggest it's easy and a cush life. News flash: My work day does not begin at 9, and it doesn't end at 5, and it sometimes doesn't even end in the middle of the night. But I wouldn't trade this job for anything in the world

PS if you're a working mom, you also work 24/7. The difference is I had to get up and get dressed and learn to function at the office on no sleep, and SAHMs don't.

And yet, you found time to comment on an anonymous board. Doesn't sound like you're working 24/7 to me.

YOU JERK everyone has a lunchbreak or needs down time I work 80 hours a week and order things for my babies on Amazon at 3am.

How dare you. I work because I have to so I resent SAHMs but respect them

You can't resent and respect someone at the same time. And yes, working 80 hours a week sounds.....almost impossible. What field are you in?

I seriously doubt OP works 80 hours a week. She's just a jealous liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what other people do. I did absolutely hate the two years my wife didn't work because she complained constantly, realized she hated being home full time, went into a deep depression (which she was resistant to treating for six awful months), kind of sucked at the job, and nearly drove us into divorce. That was awful.

We are a zillion times happier with both of us working. Yes, it's hectic, but we both pitch in and do our part to make the machine that is our lives run smoothly.

Other people? Do you.

I was the wife who,felt this way. Being a sah is so far from the nirvana some have described in this thread. If it works for you, have at it. It is a temporary phase for many. Both sides are at fault for stirring up resentment on this thread, but the bring a sah is just so fun posts that I find irritating. If your love it,great. Some don't.

Being a SAH to toddlers, in our case 3 of them at a time, is easily the hardest job I've ever had. I always laugh when I hear people suggest it's easy and a cush life. News flash: My work day does not begin at 9, and it doesn't end at 5, and it sometimes doesn't even end in the middle of the night. But I wouldn't trade this job for anything in the world

PS if you're a working mom, you also work 24/7. The difference is I had to get up and get dressed and learn to function at the office on no sleep, and SAHMs don't.

And yet, you found time to comment on an anonymous board. Doesn't sound like you're working 24/7 to me.

YOU JERK everyone has a lunchbreak or needs down time I work 80 hours a week and order things for my babies on Amazon at 3am.

How dare you. I work because I have to so I resent SAHMs but respect them

You can't resent and respect someone at the same time. And yes, working 80 hours a week sounds.....almost impossible. What field are you in?

I seriously doubt OP works 80 hours a week. She's just a jealous liar.

Maybe, but at least she is honest about her resentment. Props to her for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I'm a sahm with school age kids and it's not mind numbingly dull. In fact I think my life is more interesting than those who have no time for anything but work and child rearing, because I actually have time to pursue my interests.
Interesting comments. Most of the SAHMs I know here in the DC area became parents later in life and already had successful careers - and made big financial contributions to the family - before taking time off of work to spend more time with their children. And many plan to go back to work in some capacity.

This is in fact what happens in most cases. Even as a former sah, however, I do think permanent sahs are a bit lame.

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

You would understand if you were ever a sah with kids in school. It's mind numbingly dull after a few months, all the smart moms are back to work. A good gig if you like event planning as that is what permanent SAH moms seem to obsess over (fundraising, teacher appreciation day, mom's night out, etc. .) Frankly, I'd rather just attend.

I'm a sahm with kids in school and my life is not dull. In fact, I think it's probably more interesting than those whose lives revolve around work and child rearing. I actually have time to pursue my own interests. I'm convinced that people like the poster above are the same ones who plan on working as long as they can because they can't imagine being retired.

Nice that your husband is willing to work so you can pursue your interests.

I know you meant this sarcastically but it actually IS nice. I know I am very fortunate, in many ways. I got super lucky for some reason.

[Anonymous]

The animal kingdom analogy is a joke. Animals are driven by instinct rooted in centuries of evolutionary biology. Humans are only partly driven by instinct, have the advantage of reasoning capacity that enables them to choose the kind of life they prefer. Some women have little professional ambition, and prefer to dedicate themselves to their children and supporting their mate's career. They should marry partners who also want this life structure. Many women have plenty of professional ambition, and don't wish to be constrained by some fake antiquated idea of gender roles that has historically served primarily to reinforce patriarchal power. They should marry partners who are committed to being full parenting partners, or be very strategic about how they plan their careers (like Ruth Bader Ginsburg). Different strokes, but there is no longer anything "natural" about any of this. It is a reasoned decision two partners make together.

[Anonymous]

It's funny how the animal analogies are only used to constrain women. Couldn't you just as easily argue that men evolved to hunt and gather, and therefore they are constitutionally unsuited to office work? They should all be doing manly physical things in line with their temperament, and not sitting in front of a computer or using a telephone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

+1. I retired at 40 to SAH. I worked like a mule all my life and now I have a life of leisure that I had never imagined having. I also was working for money and I was a worker bee in corporate America. If I was a doctor saving lives, I would have reconsidered my decision maybe.

As it was, when money was not the consideration for working, I quit. My DH still works because he likes his work and having me at home frees him from obligation at home. He can walk through the door in the evening and he does not have to roll up his sleeves and pitch in. I have continued to employ house cleaners etc, because house work is not my forte but house management is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

+1. I retired at 40 to SAH. I worked like a mule all my life and now I have a life of leisure that I had never imagined having. I also was working for money and I was a worker bee in corporate America. If I was a doctor saving lives, I would have reconsidered my decision maybe.

As it was, when money was not the consideration for working, I quit. My DH still works because he likes his work and having me at home frees him from obligation at home. He can walk through the door in the evening and he does not have to roll up his sleeves and pitch in. I have continued to employ house cleaners etc, because house work is not my forte but house management is.

I am still working like a mule at 52 even though I don't need the money. I'm sure you tell yourself your DH likes to work to rationalize you not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I'm a sahm with school age kids and it's not mind numbingly dull. In fact I think my life is more interesting than those who have no time for anything but work and child rearing, because I actually have time to pursue my interests.
Interesting comments. Most of the SAHMs I know here in the DC area became parents later in life and already had successful careers - and made big financial contributions to the family - before taking time off of work to spend more time with their children. And many plan to go back to work in some capacity.

This is in fact what happens in most cases. Even as a former sah, however, I do think permanent sahs are a bit lame.

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

You would understand if you were ever a sah with kids in school. It's mind numbingly dull after a few months, all the smart moms are back to work. A good gig if you like event planning as that is what permanent SAH moms seem to obsess over (fundraising, teacher appreciation day, mom's night out, etc. .) Frankly, I'd rather just attend.

I'm a sahm with kids in school and my life is not dull. In fact, I think it's probably more interesting than those whose lives revolve around work and child rearing. I actually have time to pursue my own interests. I'm convinced that people like the poster above are the same ones who plan on working as long as they can because they can't imagine being retired.

Nice that your husband is willing to work so you can pursue your interests.

I know you meant this sarcastically but it actually IS nice. I know I am very fortunate, in many ways. I got super lucky for some reason.

Do you think it's fair to your husband that you don't bring in any money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is some jealous there. In the DC area, one partner has to be making a lot of money to enable the other to stay home and still maintain a nice lifestyle (nice house in a close in nabe, vacations, nice cars, pricey extracurricular activities for the kiddos, maybe private school, etc.)

To have an UMC lifestyle with a SAHP, the breadwinner has to be making 300-400k +.

On my end its less jealous and more...disbelief. I was raised to be independent and to own my own financials. When I went into my marriage I was comfortably set in a career and had two properties free-and-clear. That only helped when we made future decisions together to buy our 'dream' home. It boggles my mind that some women will rely solely on another person's generosity to live their life.

It disturbs me even further when these same women, some of them friends, were die-hard Hillary fans and very much into telling their daughters that 'this will be the first woman president, someone to look up to, someone to emulate' and yet the closest rolemodel to those daughters completely opted out of a career. How can you tell your children to aspire to be the head of NASA or a president or a multi-millionaire CEO, but you didn't bother to do anything yourself?

I'm a sahm with school age kids and it's not mind numbingly dull. In fact I think my life is more interesting than those who have no time for anything but work and child rearing, because I actually have time to pursue my interests.
Interesting comments. Most of the SAHMs I know here in the DC area became parents later in life and already had successful careers - and made big financial contributions to the family - before taking time off of work to spend more time with their children. And many plan to go back to work in some capacity.

This is in fact what happens in most cases. Even as a former sah, however, I do think permanent sahs are a bit lame.

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

You would understand if you were ever a sah with kids in school. It's mind numbingly dull after a few months, all the smart moms are back to work. A good gig if you like event planning as that is what permanent SAH moms seem to obsess over (fundraising, teacher appreciation day, mom's night out, etc. .) Frankly, I'd rather just attend.

I'm a sahm with kids in school and my life is not dull. In fact, I think it's probably more interesting than those whose lives revolve around work and child rearing. I actually have time to pursue my own interests. I'm convinced that people like the poster above are the same ones who plan on working as long as they can because they can't imagine being retired.

Nice that your husband is willing to work so you can pursue your interests.

I know you meant this sarcastically but it actually IS nice. I know I am very fortunate, in many ways. I got super lucky for some reason.

I'll bet like myself you chose to marry this type of guy. My husband likes his job and I've always liked being home. Wouldn't have dated any other type of guy. Married over 20 years now, so it's whatever works per couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really? I think they're lucky. It's like retiring at 27. I'd love to not work. There are aspects of my job that I like but if they stopped paying me, you better believe I'd stop coming in.

+1. I retired at 40 to SAH. I worked like a mule all my life and now I have a life of leisure that I had never imagined having. I also was working for money and I was a worker bee in corporate America. If I was a doctor saving lives, I would have reconsidered my decision maybe.

As it was, when money was not the consideration for working, I quit. My DH still works because he likes his work and having me at home frees him from obligation at home. He can walk through the door in the evening and he does not have to roll up his sleeves and pitch in. I have continued to employ house cleaners etc, because house work is not my forte but house management is.

I am still working like a mule at 52 even though I don't need the money. I'm sure you tell yourself your DH likes to work to rationalize you not working.

NP. You having a weird hang up tying your worth to your income has nothing to do with OP and her husband. Shut up.