Should I think about divorce?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe I am even starting to think about this, but sometimes I wonder if I would be happier without DH. We are actually happy about 75% of the time, but he has a nasty streak and having kids has brought out the worst in both of us. And in fact, our kids are the only thing we actually argue about because we have totally different parenting styles. I am the nice, easy one and he is the strict, mean one. Our kids are a little older now, 5 and 8, so they are pretty good most of the time, but the second one of them starts whining or acting up, he loses it and blows up at everyone and blames me for bad parenting. Our kids are actually really well behaved but even the tiniest slip up makes him go crazy. And then him being a total jerk to everyone makes my blood boil and I start thinking maybe it would be better if he wasn't in our lives. But then it blows over and we are all happy and fine until the next time.

My question is - if it wasn't an affair or other kind of deception, abuse or incident, how did you decide if you wanted to stay with your DH or split up? Is it silly to leave someone who is just mean sometimes if you're happy most of the time?

We have seen a therapist before who actually told him he can be cruel and needs to change the way he speaks - and he does for a little while but always resorts back to being a total asshole. So he is not going to change long term.

Any advice? My parents are divorced and I would hate to do that to my kids, but sometimes I wonder. DH travel a lot for work and we are fine when he is gone.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about getting solo therapy and/or screened for depression and anxiety. Tell him that you notice that his harshness towards the kids has picked up, and that he needs to get help to do better because it is impacting you and the kids--and likely him.

[Anonymous]

When this was happening to my DH, I fretted about what it could be-- his job is too stressful (uh, no)? He has a psychological issue? I googled variations of "dad strange reaction to second child" about a hundred times. It was an affair. Men who cheat emotionally abuse their families. And yes, I totally understand that's not always the case. But it is freaking scary how often it is. Look into it.

Either way, communicate. If things don't change, move on. You don't need this. (And document EVERYTHING in terms of bad behavior with you and the kids. Everything you do for them that he doesn't, etc.)

[Anonymous]

This is the reverse for us. My DH is the nice one, and I am the mean one. Usually, we are happy 75% of the time, but there are times when the 2.5-year-old starts whining or the 6-year-old hits her sister or takes something from her so the toddler cries, and I lose it. I yell, and it ruins the day. My DH never yells. Would he divorce me? Never. I promise myself every day that I won't yell, but when the crying and hitting and whining starts, something snaps and I lose it again.

[Anonymous]

You need two things

1) a parenting class. Both of your styles suck. You can't be all of one and none of the other.

2) couples therapy

With those two things ... I think you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, OP, he won't be out of your lives if you divorce. He will still be in your kids' lives, and you might also find that divorcing makes him MEANER.

I think you guys should go back to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes there is a physical cause for shortness of temper. Has he had a full physical with bloodwork?

[Anonymous]

One think to consider -
you will only be with your kids 50% of the time for the rest of their years,
they will spend years shuffling between homes and not being settled in just one, your DH can remarry and then 50% of your kids time will be spent with someone else mothering your children.
your income will drop and child support doesn't cover the full cost of raising a child, it's only your DH's portion of reasonable and expected expenses for a child each month.

Go with the advice above - get a parenting class, get therapy and stick it uot.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM who is like your DH. Until 3 months ago I yelled at the kids regularly. I've been in therapy and can tell you that the decision to change has to come from inside. If he does not think it's a big deal a thousand therapists' comments will have no effect. Daughter has actually asked me, "Why are black people so angry all the time?" For me rage outbursts are a reaction to a profound sense of powerlessness and displacement. The struggle with anxiety and depression never ends. I agree with PP that if life is livable 75 percent of the time you should definitely give it another shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM who is like your DH. Until 3 months ago I yelled at the kids regularly. I've been in therapy and can tell you that the decision to change has to come from inside. If he does not think it's a big deal a thousand therapists' comments will have no effect. Daughter has actually asked me, "Why are black people so angry all the time?" For me rage outbursts are a reaction to a profound sense of powerlessness and displacement. The struggle with anxiety and depression never ends. I agree with PP that if life is livable 75 percent of the time you should definitely give it another shot.

Could you please let us know what has helped you to stop yelling? Why did you yell at them and how do you make yourself stop? I am the DW PP who yells, and I would love to stop yelling.. Advice? Tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need two things

1) a parenting class. Both of your styles suck. You can't be all of one and none of the other.

2) couples therapy

With those two things ... I think you'll be fine.

NP here. Can PP or anyone else recommend a parenting class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need two things

1) a parenting class. Both of your styles suck. You can't be all of one and none of the other.

2) couples therapy

With those two things ... I think you'll be fine.

+1. It's a big problem that you aren't on the same page with parenting. In fact, you aren't even in the same book. Divorce isn't going to solve that problem.

I think it is a separate issue about him saying "you are a bad parent". I would call him out on that and say WE have children together and WE need to come up with ways to help them make the right choices about behavior. If the issue is that implementing the consequences fall completely on you because he is traveling, are there things that can help lighten the load for you and what can he do to support you when he isn't traveling? My kids are pre-teens and the amount of disrespect can sometimes be breathtaking given how we were raised. However, that craziness unites us rather than divides us and we try to figure out what will work. I think sometimes the anger as a parent comes from a sense of powerlessness but when you feel like someone else understands you and you are both working together to change the situation, it can be calming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need two things

1) a parenting class. Both of your styles suck. You can't be all of one and none of the other.

2) couples therapy

With those two things ... I think you'll be fine.

All she said is that her style is nice and easy. She never said she refuses to discipline the children.

[Anonymous]

Yea I agree with advice above - and at least try to wait it out long enough for your kids to decide - b/c while you won't have to live with him anymore, they will 50% and won't have anyone to protect them from the yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the reverse for us. My DH is the nice one, and I am the mean one. Usually, we are happy 75% of the time, but there are times when the 2.5-year-old starts whining or the 6-year-old hits her sister or takes something from her so the toddler cries, and I lose it. I yell, and it ruins the day. My DH never yells. Would he divorce me? Never. I promise myself every day that I won't yell, but when the crying and hitting and whining starts, something snaps and I lose it again.

Please get help. Start with a physical, screening for anxiety and depression, and therapy. It doesn't have to be like this.