Joint Custody Arrangements for a 4 year old?
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Anonymous
| Hello, I am new to this forum, so I apologize if this has been asked a dozen times. My husband and I are separating in Jan and we are trying to decided on what the best joint custody arrangement might work for our 4 year old son. He is not in full time school yet, but is in full time preschool M-F. Both my husband and I work full time. I am not sure about doing a one week on, one week off with him, since he is still so young. I am wondering if he would benefit from half the week with me and then the other half of the week w/ his father. We would both get one full weekend day with him, so we both get to do fun activities with my son. I am just curious to those of you out there what your schedule looks like with young kids? I appreciate your input. Thanks! |
Anonymous
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My daughter was 4.5 (and my son 18 months) when we separated and we had them sleep at the house with me during the week but her dad would pick her up 1-2 times a week and have dinner with them. I'd usually go out, so he'd bring them to the house and do the bedtime routine with them. Then he had alternate weekends where they stayed with him.
Over time, as it became clear we were divorcing, and I got tired of being out of the house and having him in the house, they started doing one overnight a week with him (as well as the alternate weekends. It's not 50-50 (I get 9 nights to his 5 every 2 weeks) but we both agreed that the additional stability of them staying more in the familiar house was good at this age. Also, his place is very small. We'll likely readjust as they get older. I would not split every weekend-that means you never get to have a weekend away (with or without the kids). |
Anonymous
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Depends on the kid. If you want 50/50 then a 2-2-3 schedule is nice. Start Monday, one parent gets two nights, other parent gets two nights, then first parent get three nights over the weekend. It switches the next week, so that the other parent gets the next weekend.
Not sure if a four year old is ready for that much back and forth but this often works well for elementary school kids. |
Anonymous
| STBXH decided he wanted his weekends free so opted for Sunday-Thursday every other week. I'm all about my D.C. So I think this is the best and least disruptive. Hi |
Anonymous
The 2/2/3 works well for us as well, we started it with our then 4 and 7 year olds three years ago. They've adapted well. |
Anonymous
| OP here, thank you for responding. I like the idea of the 2-2-3 schedule. I would like for me to have more time with my son, but I don't think my husband will agree to it (mainly out of spite). I am hopeful that once my husband sees and realizes he has to do everything on his own, without me, he may agree to my son being with me more. |
Anonymous
| The 2-2-3 schedule worked well for us and was recommended for kids that age. A week on, a week off is harder, IMO, because once you get settled, things switch. |
Anonymous
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If you don't want to switch that much, a 2-2-5 also works well - one parent gets M-W, one parent gets W-F. The F-M alternates
So, if you're the M-W parent, you get M-W one week and F-W the next week. If you're the W-F parent, you get W-F one week and W-M the next week |
Anonymous
| My ex and I split when our child was 4, we do 3/4/4/3 so she has S/M/T and I have W/TH/F and we alternate Saturdays. It works for our child, and she's complained at times when we've switch more often or gone for longer stretches at either home. You may want to look at custody schedules for your state-many states have set preferred custody schedules for each age, and if the schedule you want is a preferred schedule it may help you in court. |
Anonymous
| It really depends on the kid. We started out with my ex having our daughter for Wednesday overnights and then he'd have her for half the weekend. When she was 7, he started taking her on Monday nights too. It's a lot of transitions but it's never really been a big deal for her or us - she had dad's days and mom's days and different activities on various days. I keep her a little more scheduled and dad is more laid back and less likely to plan stuff, so I think it works out well that we alternate. We're amicable, so whenever one of us wants a full weekend with her or off, we work it out. We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas and the parent who has her can keep her as long as he/she wants. We play Easter and Halloween by ear, and Mothers/Fathers day she goes with the appropriate parent. |
Anonymous
| Also, OP, if you're looking at true 50% custody, you need to talk about the tax thing. Who will get to claim him as a dependent? I've always had primary custody (4 or 5 days out of 7, and 100% during deployments) so I always get to claim her on my taxes. For you guys, you might want to crunch the numbers and see who it would benefit more and take that into account when figuring out child support. |
Anonymous
| OP here, thank you again...I am looking into all the suggestions and will have to figure out what is going to work best/what my husband will actually agree to! Also, the tip on the tax thing is very helpful. |
Anonymous
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Theh 2-2-3 scheduled has worked wonderfully for us starting when the kids were 2 and 5 and now they are teens. They don't want to be away from me more than 3 nights, so week on/week off is too much.
I highly suggest a joint google calendar. We have an email address that both of us have access to for school and activities. We use the calendar for all kids activities, playdates, etc. The joint calendar has been a lifesaver. And now that the kids have phones, they can access the calendar, as well, so there is no question about what is going on. Good luck. |