How would you feel (double standard of treatment)?

[Anonymous]

I'm the only child of my mom and dad - they divorced, and mom remarried and had a son when I was ten. I continue to be hurt by a double standard with how my mom treats us, in particular related to finances.

My mom kicked me out when I was thirteen, and from what I can gather never paid child support. I went to public school. She did not help with college or living expenses; I worked full-time and supported myself fully starting at eighteen and put myself through school. It took me over a decade to finish.

My brother went to private school starting in the second grade. He's currently a junior at university and, while he works summers and had a part-time job last year, is not working at the moment (living expenses paid for by mom and stepdad). They pay his tuition also.

I feel resentful that we've been treated differently. How would you feel?

[Anonymous]

I'd probably feel the same, but remember, there are two different fathers, with potentially two different incomes.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget most of us are the child of two parents. Perhaps your stepbrother's father is way more responsible and caring, or just simply richer, than either your mom or dad?

I know this kind of double standard can be incredibly hurtful and follow you psychologically for years, but for your own sanity you should really let it go, otherwise you won't develop into a mature and content adult. My mother was the last of 7 siblings and terribly neglected - she was never able to move past it and as a result is a stunted individual, which affected the way she raised me.

If you can afford it, I suggest working with a therapist to find a way to accept this state of affairs and move on.

And you don't need to be friends with your family. You can create your own family and avoid replicating those mistakes.

[Anonymous]

stepbrother=halfbrother, sorry

[Anonymous]

Go to therapy, OP.

This happens even in intact families. If the kids are many years apart, the family's financial situation can drastically change. To this day, a cousin complains about her younger sister getting a car as a senior in high school. It was 40 years ago. Don't be this person.

My half sister has issues with me because she thinks our dad gives me more mine than he gives her. She is blind to the fact that our mothers have vastly different financial situations.

[Anonymous]

Why did she kick you out, OP?

I'm sorry. I know it must hurt a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the only child of my mom and dad - they divorced, and mom remarried and had a son when I was ten. I continue to be hurt by a double standard with how my mom treats us, in particular related to finances.

My mom kicked me out when I was thirteen, and from what I can gather never paid child support. I went to public school. She did not help with college or living expenses; I worked full-time and supported myself fully starting at eighteen and put myself through school. It took me over a decade to finish.

My brother went to private school starting in the second grade. He's currently a junior at university and, while he works summers and had a part-time job last year, is not working at the moment (living expenses paid for by mom and stepdad). They pay his tuition also.

I feel resentful that we've been treated differently. How would you feel?

Really? If you have achieved what you say you've done, then I think you should be singing the halleliujah chorus that you are free from these people and look forwards, not back.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like your brother's dad can afford to help his kid out. What do you mean, your mother kicked you out? Where did you go?

I can see why you wouldn't want to have a relationship with a mother who openly rejected a teen daughter.

[Anonymous]

Why did sh kick you out? Is ther mire you are not telling us? I'd tell her how you feel.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The home environment was toxic and I ran away one day toward the end of eighth grade after my stepdad had slapped me. I slept over at a friend's that night and when my mom picked me up from school the next day she informed me that I was going to live with my dad immediately. I left my hometown (DC) for a small town in the south. I asked her repeatedly if I could move back and she said no. She and my stepdad ended up divorcing a few years later anyway.

I guess my resentment goes to that point. I felt disposable, like an afterthought, to her (still do).

[Anonymous]

OP, I probably have a different perspective on this than most people. I had a very traumatic childhood with my mother, marked by sexual abuse from the man she met after leaving my father. She eventually left that man, But remarried when I was 11/12, quickly gave birth to my two half brothers. Her relationship with my stepfather was volatile, and there was frequent violence in the house. She became an alcoholic, and I ended up having to care for those boys- imagine being 13 and getting up for infant night feedings, etc.

In any case, I left home at 17 for my own sanity, and never looked back. It was really tough not having anyone to help me with anything.

As for my mother, She met another guy and moved in with him. His family took my brothers in as their own, and they lived a really good life by all accounts.

Now that We are all adults, I've developed a relationship with my brothers. They are very close with my mother; I haven't said ten words to her in 20 years.

Here's the key: you have to own your own life. You moved on from whatever was there to move on from. Don't begrudge your brother the life he had because it's not your life. There is not a single thing you can do to change the past. If you want to continue to have a relatiionship with your mother, you have to come to terms with the fact that there is no resolution until you find resolution in yourself that life is rarely equal or fair. Be proud of being independent and putting yourself through school. Be proud of not continuing whatever cycle marked your early teen years.

Counseling or therapy can help, if you're having trouble understanding that it's not about you or your worth. Please know that.. it's not that your brother is better in any way than you are. There are inequities, but it has nothing to do with your value as a person.

[Anonymous]

09:24 This is a great response. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I can definitely relate to the double standard. As background, I have 3 full siblings, two half-siblings (from my mom's second marriage). My mother's first marriage ended in a horrible epic divorce and me and my two siblings stayed with our father, who quickly remarried an awful woman who treated us like crap. As a result of this treatment, myself and my two siblings eventually switched back to living with my mother when we were entering high school. This meant we went to live with our mother, our stepfather and their two much younger children.

For years I thought I imagined the disparate treatment between the kids from the first to the second marriage, but it was always bubbling under the surface. From chores, to how we spoke, to whether we were "grateful" enough to our stepfather, we were always made to feel less-than while being told how lucky we were to have been welcomed into their new house.

To this day, 15 yrs later, if there is cake, the two youngest kids get a bigger piece. If dishes need to be picked up from the table, the two youngest ones are allowed to stand up while we are asked to help cleanup. If we go out to lunch, my stepdad will split the bill and ask us to pay our way, and they will cover for the little ones. As I said, I thought I imagined it, but it wasn't until a dear friend from high school pointed out that my sister had literally been jailed for shoplifting, dropped out of college twice, crashed a car she stole from a family friend, broke her leg trying to sneak into a concert and posting very publicly about her alternative drugs and rock and roll lifestyle, yet she was still the sweet innocent one who got all the support... and I? successfully worked two jobs to put myself through college, then graduate school, literally never asked for a single penny, bought a house, married, have two kids, successful consultancy practice and i go home to my mom telling me in front of everyone that I need to be more like my sister because she is more family oriented. And could I please also pick up the dishes? Because I need to "contribute" and they are going to need some cash to make up for the groceries I consumed during my two day visit. Mind you- they are plenty well off. But they don't see anything wrong with this.

And then it hit me- holy molly, its not imagined, I have been trying to prove myself my entire young-adult and adult life and here I am. Still "better" and more accomplished by almost every measure, but will never be from the second family so there is no point in trying.

Cannot tell you how great it is. I go home now with zero expectations and it had totally changed how I relate to them. When I visit I now outright buy a load of groceries, I rent my own car, I stay in a hotel, I bring the nanny for the kids and I make it so that there is as little intervention needed from them as possible. And its amazing to know that I have the resources to lead a great life, that even though they didn't support me I did way better than my more coddled siblings and that after all, I don't need them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can definitely relate to the double standard. As background, I have 3 full siblings, two half-siblings (from my mom's second marriage). My mother's first marriage ended in a horrible epic divorce and me and my two siblings stayed with our father, who quickly remarried an awful woman who treated us like crap. As a result of this treatment, myself and my two siblings eventually switched back to living with my mother when we were entering high school. This meant we went to live with our mother, our stepfather and their two much younger children.

For years I thought I imagined the disparate treatment between the kids from the first to the second marriage, but it was always bubbling under the surface. From chores, to how we spoke, to whether we were "grateful" enough to our stepfather, we were always made to feel less-than while being told how lucky we were to have been welcomed into their new house.

To this day, 15 yrs later, if there is cake, the two youngest kids get a bigger piece. If dishes need to be picked up from the table, the two youngest ones are allowed to stand up while we are asked to help cleanup. If we go out to lunch, my stepdad will split the bill and ask us to pay our way, and they will cover for the little ones. As I said, I thought I imagined it, but it wasn't until a dear friend from high school pointed out that my sister had literally been jailed for shoplifting, dropped out of college twice, crashed a car she stole from a family friend, broke her leg trying to sneak into a concert and posting very publicly about her alternative drugs and rock and roll lifestyle, yet she was still the sweet innocent one who got all the support... and I? successfully worked two jobs to put myself through college, then graduate school, literally never asked for a single penny, bought a house, married, have two kids, successful consultancy practice and i go home to my mom telling me in front of everyone that I need to be more like my sister because she is more family oriented. And could I please also pick up the dishes? Because I need to "contribute" and they are going to need some cash to make up for the groceries I consumed during my two day visit. Mind you- they are plenty well off. But they don't see anything wrong with this.

And then it hit me- holy molly, its not imagined, I have been trying to prove myself my entire young-adult and adult life and here I am. Still "better" and more accomplished by almost every measure, but will never be from the second family so there is no point in trying.

Cannot tell you how great it is. I go home now with zero expectations and it had totally changed how I relate to them. When I visit I now outright buy a load of groceries, I rent my own car, I stay in a hotel, I bring the nanny for the kids and I make it so that there is as little intervention needed from them as possible. And its amazing to know that I have the resources to lead a great life, that even though they didn't support me I did way better than my more coddled siblings and that after all, I don't need them either.




5

Why come home at all just so you can be their scapegoat? I think you'd be happier staying away from them.

[Anonymous]

I would detach from the situation and decide that my mother is investing in the child who she plans to rely on in her old age. You don't invest in me, I don't invest in you.