Dating an older man - 20 years older

[Anonymous]

Do you believe a relationship between a 30 year old woman and 50 year old man could actually succeed, assuming everything else is perfect. The man is divorced with almost grown-up children. Careers, interests, and maturity align. Is the age difference just too much??

[Anonymous]

Any plans for future children?

[Anonymous]

Too much for what? Do both people want to have children? Is the woman willing to nurse the man through old age to death?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I suppose one of the biggest concerns is that he will start to grow older much sooner and I would and the relationship dynamic may quickly change. Of course, this could happen with any relationship - sickness and accidents are always a possibility, but in this case - the change is almost a certainty. Does anyone have first hand experience with something like this? Would this be too risky and just not worth it? Kids are not an issue, not planning on kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, imagine the ages of your parents, or the age's of DH's parents -- whichever is closer to 70 years old.

Now compare one of them against your DH.

That is what you will be looking at when you are his current age of 50. Are you okay with that?

[Anonymous]

OP -- this is great. Good for you. Enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

Go for it, no reason not to.

[Anonymous]

Do his kids like you? Not just as dad's casual girlfriend, but will they welcome you as a grandparent? Will they accommodate you in their family and consider your preferences like a real family member? I ask because "almost grown" children can seem very disengaged, but when marriage is on the table, things get real. How will you feel if when grandparenting starts to take up his time or interferes with things you want to do?

Also consider finances. My dad has basically disowned me in favor of making sure his younger wife has enough to live on after he's gone. I make good money myself, so I don't mind, but you must think about how things would play out in your situation. Also, who will be your family after he is gone? Who will make decisions when you are unable, visit you, and guard your well-being? Don't count on your stepchildren here-- you didn't raise them, and they will be busy with their own families and their mother if she is alive.

You saying maturity aligns is a red flag. You probably think you are extra-mature, but I usually observe that in these situations, the man is immature, and the woman is immature or gullible enough to believe that she's extra-mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do his kids like you? Not just as dad's casual girlfriend, but will they welcome you as a grandparent? Will they accommodate you in their family and consider your preferences like a real family member? I ask because "almost grown" children can seem very disengaged, but when marriage is on the table, things get real. How will you feel if when grandparenting starts to take up his time or interferes with things you want to do?

Also consider finances. My dad has basically disowned me in favor of making sure his younger wife has enough to live on after he's gone. I make good money myself, so I don't mind, but you must think about how things would play out in your situation. Also, who will be your family after he is gone? Who will make decisions when you are unable, visit you, and guard your well-being? Don't count on your stepchildren here-- you didn't raise them, and they will be busy with their own families and their mother if she is alive.

You saying maturity aligns is a red flag. You probably think you are extra-mature, but I usually observe that in these situations, the man is immature, and the woman is immature or gullible enough to believe that she's extra-mature.

+1000

I caught that too. Think about this OP. What is attractive about a 50 year old man with the maturity of a 30 year old? That is what you said, you know.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean, your careers align? When does he want to retire and when do you want to retire? My stepmother is much younger and she's basically been retired since she was 40. She's basically my dad's stay at home mom. At first it was fun, I guess, but now she has no career and no money. Or, if you keep working, will that prevent him from having the retirement he wants (travel, relocation)?

How do you fit in with his friends? And their wives, will they accept you? Will you enjoy being by far the youngest person at a gathering of 70-year-olds? And with your friends, he will be unable to keep up with the conversation and activities, so you will be increasingly left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I suppose one of the biggest concerns is that he will start to grow older much sooner and I would and the relationship dynamic may quickly change. Of course, this could happen with any relationship - sickness and accidents are always a possibility, but in this case - the change is almost a certainty. Does anyone have first hand experience with something like this? Would this be too risky and just not worth it? Kids are not an issue, not planning on kids.

Of course sometimes one loses a partner suddenly and of course the odds are higher that the older one will go first. But I've watched couples where the one partner is 10-15 years older than the other and gets old or sick. The younger partner gives up freedom and sleep. They manage complicated medical finances and in some cases, in-house or residential care. The relationship changes, they make difficult decisions, it's lonely and their patience is tested. It's called "the long goodbye." In some ways a 20 year gap would be easier because the younger partner would be more energetic and more mentally fit to step up. But they might be doing it for their parents simultaneously...

A beautiful memoir written by a woman whose older (less than 20 years though) husband (they are childless) has a stroke is One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, a Marriage, and the Language of Healing by Diane Ackerman. You really get a feel for their relationship dynamic at that stage of life.

[Anonymous]

I am 53 and dated for over a year a 37 year old and we broke up this spring because she wanted children (never married) and I don't want anymore than the 3 I already have from a previous marriage. We were compatible in every other way and never did age cause a concern. She did say that if children isn't possible for her and I am free she can see a future together despite our age difference.

[Anonymous]

I believe strongly in the classic formula:

((older person's age)/2 + 7 = (lowest partner age))

For a 50 year old:
50/2 + 7 = 32

At 30, you're already a couple of years below a 50 year old's floor. I know 30 is only 2 years young than 32, but the formula is already lenient. It allows for greater differences in age as you get older, as those differences gradually mean less. If he was in his mid-40s, I'd say go for it.

Of course, there are always exceptions. Maybe he is unusually fit and youthful looking, or has enough money or personality to make up for it? Patrick Stewart was the "Sexiest Man in America" in his 50s.

I hate to say it, but unless he has enough money that you don't have to worry about affording medical care, or help around the house as he ages, I would tread cautiously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 53 and dated for over a year a 37 year old and we broke up this spring because she wanted children (never married) and I don't want anymore than the 3 I already have from a previous marriage. We were compatible in every other way and never did age cause a concern. She did say that if children isn't possible for her and I am free she can see a future together despite our age difference.

53/2 + 7 = 33.5

A 53 year old with a 37 year old passes the test. That's probably why it almost worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe strongly in the classic formula:

((older person's age)/2 + 7 = (lowest partner age))

For a 50 year old:
50/2 + 7 = 32

At 30, you're already a couple of years below a 50 year old's floor. I know 30 is only 2 years young than 32, but the formula is already lenient. It allows for greater differences in age as you get older, as those differences gradually mean less. If he was in his mid-40s, I'd say go for it.

Of course, there are always exceptions. Maybe he is unusually fit and youthful looking, or has enough money or personality to make up for it? Patrick Stewart was the "Sexiest Man in America" in his 50s.

I hate to say it, but unless he has enough money that you don't have to worry about affording medical care, or help around the house as he ages, I would tread cautiously.

Everyone talks of this classic formula, but they forget that this formula was for men from ages 18 to 30 years. It was not for really old guys, like a 60 year old man with a 37 year old woman, Which is quite creepy.


So for a 18 year old :
18/2 + 7 = 16


For a 30 year old man:
30/2 + 7 = 22