I can't stand my teenager right now!

[Anonymous]

I have a 15 year old son who I have lost all patience with. He has such a bad attitude and is so disrespectful. I REALLY cannot stand him right now. Anyone else have a teenager and feel the same way? I can't be the only one.

[Anonymous]

I don't have one (yet). But I *was* that teenager.

If you are into reading parenting books, "Raising Resilient Children" is a good one, and can help identify some of the reasons why teens get so surly (and what to do about it).

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel that way all the time? Our 15 y.o. DS is alternatively surly and disrespectful, then cordial am cooperative. Based on what I hear from other parents, that pretty much goes with the territory. That doesn't mean, of course, that you just put up with the nasty attitude.

Our approach has been to ignore the low-level stuff (muttering, rolling eyes, etc.), but walk away when it escalates. We just say, "I'll continue this conversation with you when you're ready to speak to me in a civil tone of voice." Of course you have to say this in a civil tone of voice, and you have to have a plan for dealing with the consequences of breaking off the conversation. So, if the conversation is about your kid asking for permission to go to a party, he/she suffers the consequences of a delay in making plans with friends. But if the conversation is about his/her failure to perform certain tasks -- chores, schoolwork, etc -- you have to devise a plan for what the consequence will be, apprise him/her of that prospect and -- most important -- stick with it. For example, "when you're ready to discuss this in a civil way, we'll talk. If you can't manage that, you will be grounded on Friday night. " (Our rationale: civil discourse is a sign of maturity; if you can't participate in civil discourse, you lack the maturity to go out and enjoy social privileges appropriate to your age.)

The two most helpful books I've read on dealing with teens are "Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Drive Me to the Mall" by Anthony Wolf and "Seven Things Your Teenager Won't Tell You and How to Talk About Them Anyway" by Jennifer Lippincott. Both these books offer "scripts" for conversations; in particular, we like Lippincott's advice about asking your kid how he/she plans to deal with a problem. This reduces te likelihood that he/she will feel attacked and increases the liklihood that he/she will feel respected and capable of crafting a solution. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Mine aren't teenagers yet, but I'm wondering what your son says if you ask him calmly and flat-out why he thinks it's ok for him to speak to you in such a disrespectful way? (Even if what you're really thinking is "who the f- do you think you are?!" )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 15 year old son who I have lost all patience with. He has such a bad attitude and is so disrespectful. I REALLY cannot stand him right now. Anyone else have a teenager and feel the same way? I can't be the only one.

I have a 16 year old girl and at times she can be that way (it usually coordinates with her hormonal cycle). What works best for us is the loss of privileges -- first the cell, then the Ipod and then social engagements. I also find that it helps to keep her diet as clean as I can -- cut as far back on the sugar and preservatives as possible. I actually *TRY* to cut back at zero at home, because I know at school she does not make wise nutritional choices and there are too many junky choices available.

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 yo girl who is great and a 13 yo son who is just starting to have attitude problems. Like a pp said he alternates between attitude and flashes of his more charming self. Oddly i would have predicted the opposite behaviors from the two kids but maybe someone up there knows i am not capable of dealing with two of them at once. Or the kids themselves figure this out - one shines while the other doesn't? In any event my approach so far has been to ignore a lot of it. So if he starts out with an attitude when i pick him up from school we just drive the rest of the way in silence. Not icy silence, I just don't want to engage. He is involved in lots of activities and that helps a lot. I dont have any magic answers for you and i sense we are going to be going farther down this road over the next couple of years.

[Anonymous]

15-year-old who has alternated between being close, talkative and withdrawn/distant/angry. All I can say is that it's hard to accept that my loving kid sometimes just wants to have nothing to do with me! I hear ya, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Our approach has been to ignore the low-level stuff (muttering, rolling eyes, etc.), but walk away when it escalates. We just say, "I'll continue this conversation with you when you're ready to speak to me in a civil tone of voice." Of course you have to say this in a civil tone of voice, and you have to have a plan for dealing with the consequences of breaking off the conversation. So, if the conversation is about your kid asking for permission to go to a party, he/she suffers the consequences of a delay in making plans with friends. But if the conversation is about his/her failure to perform certain tasks -- chores, schoolwork, etc -- you have to devise a plan for what the consequence will be, apprise him/her of that prospect and -- most important -- stick with it. For example, "when you're ready to discuss this in a civil way, we'll talk. If you can't manage that, you will be grounded on Friday night. " (Our rationale: civil discourse is a sign of maturity; if you can't participate in civil discourse, you lack the maturity to go out and enjoy social privileges appropriate to your age.)

MOM???

(I always hated that cool-and-rational schtick. But will probably do much the same.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Our approach has been to ignore the low-level stuff (muttering, rolling eyes, etc.), but walk away when it escalates. We just say, "I'll continue this conversation with you when you're ready to speak to me in a civil tone of voice." Of course you have to say this in a civil tone of voice, and you have to have a plan for dealing with the consequences of breaking off the conversation. So, if the conversation is about your kid asking for permission to go to a party, he/she suffers the consequences of a delay in making plans with friends. But if the conversation is about his/her failure to perform certain tasks -- chores, schoolwork, etc -- you have to devise a plan for what the consequence will be, apprise him/her of that prospect and -- most important -- stick with it. For example, "when you're ready to discuss this in a civil way, we'll talk. If you can't manage that, you will be grounded on Friday night. " (Our rationale: civil discourse is a sign of maturity; if you can't participate in civil discourse, you lack the maturity to go out and enjoy social privileges appropriate to your age.)

MOM???

(I always hated that cool-and-rational schtick. But will probably do much the same.)

I'd much rather the cool and rational talk (were I a teenager) than screeching and yelling.

[Anonymous]

I found it infuriating. It was like my mom could afford to be cool and calm because she had total control over my life, and it didn't matter to her. She didn't get how IMPORTANT this stuff was to me, and the proof was her nonchalant-ness...

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom who tries hard to be cool and rational -- it's not easy, BTW -- think deep, cleansing breaths and white wine after 5. But, I do acknowledge his feelings and also articulate mine. For example, "I get it that you want to be with your friends. I want you to have fun too, but we need to know what your plan is for the evening. If we don't know, we worry."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found it infuriating. It was like my mom could afford to be cool and calm because she had total control over my life, and it didn't matter to her. She didn't get how IMPORTANT this stuff was to me, and the proof was her nonchalant-ness...

Yep, I think this bothers my dd about me. But it also bothers her when her dad goes nuts and gets all upset that she's upset. So it's my job to be the cool one in the family.

[Anonymous]

At least when you are cool and rational, you have your dignity and can look yourself in the mirror. Not always easy to stay cool, but definitely worth trying. And, remember, you are modeling how to deal with conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine aren't teenagers yet, but I'm wondering what your son says if you ask him calmly and flat-out why he thinks it's ok for him to speak to you in such a disrespectful way? (Even if what you're really thinking is "who the f- do you think you are?!" )

I'm not sure what this would do other than escalate the situation. Teenagers aren't really known for their insights on their own conduct and motivations. Asking a teenager why he behaves as he does sounds confrontational and kind of patronizing.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of asking your teen why he thinks it's OK to speak to you like that. My 15 y.o. values respect from others and I absolutely do point out to him that it's a 2-way street. Asking this question might be a very effective way of making that point.