Bisexual woman with a question for the broader LGBT community

[Anonymous]

As a bi woman, I feel like I'm part of a community that's treated like the "red-headed stepchild" of the LBGT community. Lesbian women straight up refuse to date me, and sometimes I'm made to feel like I'm "crashing" the LGBT party.

Anyone care to explain this to me?

[Anonymous]

When I was a teenager, I came out as bisexual to my parents because I felt it was the "safe" option. I knew I was attracted to women but felt this would allow me to one day marry a man and have a "normal" life. Not long after I realized that I was actually a lesbian and just wasn't attracted to men, much less spend my life with one.

My experience is purely anecdotal and restricted to women I've known in my life (whether friends or former partners) but pretty much all women I've known who identify as bi end up with a man - either in a married or long term relationship. It's easier in many ways; you don't face the same sort of discrimination and lord knows having kids is easier (try being a lesbian and grappling with infertility - it's awful). So maybe there is hesitation from prospective love interests because they feel you might eventually bail and take that easier route? Again, this is just based on my own experiences. But I do think everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum, and for women like you who identify as bi and are judged for it -- I know it's hard.

[Anonymous]

After I wrote this, I read it and realize it reads harsh, but it being and anonymous board and how I actually feel, I am posting it anyway.

Gay man here. My two cents is that you are perceived as wanting all the perks of being lgbt with none of the challenges that go with it. Coming out is irreversible. It was the scariest, but most exciting time of my life. For nearly all lgbt people it is the same

Since you can always choose to be with a man, coming out for you can be taken back at any time and is not permanent Accordingly we have sharply different experiences and bluntly (and selfishly) I don't want you to experience the perks without the challenges.

It feels a bit like you are trying take from me and my community in a way that even straight people of privilege don't. And for that reason you will always be an outsider. We are not the same.

[Anonymous]

^ Ugh, I will never get this pov. Horrible. Sorry some of us are dicks, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to have to agree with the 9:00 poster from yesterday. All of the openly bi women I've known have ended up with a man (most having kids too). It's just easier - easier to fit in, easier to have kids, easier to explain to people (none of the "yes, we're both Larlo's mommy" or "no, that's my wife, not my sister").

Sure there are lots of bi women in lesbian relationships, but (again, in my experience), they self identify as lesbians.

[Anonymous]

As an older lesbian, I've watched younger women assume the bi label because it's cool. They fool around with women, because why not? But they don't actually imagine they will live their life with a woman.

You're getting rebuffed by women who are looking for a relationship, not just a romp in the hay. They don't trust that you will go through with that level of commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After I wrote this, I read it and realize it reads harsh, but it being and anonymous board and how I actually feel, I am posting it anyway.

Gay man here. My two cents is that you are perceived as wanting all the perks of being lgbt with none of the challenges that go with it. Coming out is irreversible. It was the scariest, but most exciting time of my life. For nearly all lgbt people it is the same

Since you can always choose to be with a man, coming out for you can be taken back at any time and is not permanent Accordingly we have sharply different experiences and bluntly (and selfishly) I don't want you to experience the perks without the challenges.

It feels a bit like you are trying take from me and my community in a way that even straight people of privilege don't. And for that reason you will always be an outsider. We are not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an older lesbian, I've watched younger women assume the bi label because it's cool. They fool around with women, because why not? But they don't actually imagine they will live their life with a woman.

You're getting rebuffed by women who are looking for a relationship, not just a romp in the hay. They don't trust that you will go through with that level of commitment.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After I wrote this, I read it and realize it reads harsh, but it being and anonymous board and how I actually feel, I am posting it anyway.

Gay man here. My two cents is that you are perceived as wanting all the perks of being lgbt with none of the challenges that go with it. Coming out is irreversible. It was the scariest, but most exciting time of my life. For nearly all lgbt people it is the same

Since you can always choose to be with a man, coming out for you can be taken back at any time and is not permanent Accordingly we have sharply different experiences and bluntly (and selfishly) I don't want you to experience the perks without the challenges.

It feels a bit like you are trying take from me and my community in a way that even straight people of privilege don't. And for that reason you will always be an outsider. We are not the same.

I'm going to offer the Through the Looking Glass version of this view from the POV of a bi person, because I get it. I get that it is different. Bear with me, my head is full of pollen.

We have gotten SO MUCH better about talking to youth who figure out that they are gay than we used to be. However, some of us really and truly fall right smack dab in the middle of that Kinsey spectrum, and keep waiting for that aha moment for one side of the fence or the other that never comes. And, I feel compelled to remind everyone, sexual orientation is not a choice. It's painful to be told you are in a phase or looking for attention or not even real.

However, yes, we are usually able to benefit from all the heteronormative privilege, especially if and when we partner with someone of the opposite gender. Frankly, it's easier. We know what to do. We know how to navigate this. Society teaches us how to do it. And, it makes us invisible. Folks that have that clear-as-a-bell aha moment when they realize they are gay and then have to go through all the coming out, all of the learning about how to navigate relationships, all the fear of all the very real and dangerous backlash, I can't blame you one whit for being suspicious or nervous about partnering with someone who is able to hide better. But please don't tell me I'm not real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I wrote this, I read it and realize it reads harsh, but it being and anonymous board and how I actually feel, I am posting it anyway.

Gay man here. My two cents is that you are perceived as wanting all the perks of being lgbt with none of the challenges that go with it. Coming out is irreversible. It was the scariest, but most exciting time of my life. For nearly all lgbt people it is the same

Since you can always choose to be with a man, coming out for you can be taken back at any time and is not permanent Accordingly we have sharply different experiences and bluntly (and selfishly) I don't want you to experience the perks without the challenges.

It feels a bit like you are trying take from me and my community in a way that even straight people of privilege don't. And for that reason you will always be an outsider. We are not the same.

I'm going to offer the Through the Looking Glass version of this view from the POV of a bi person, because I get it. I get that it is different. Bear with me, my head is full of pollen.

We have gotten SO MUCH better about talking to youth who figure out that they are gay than we used to be. However, some of us really and truly fall right smack dab in the middle of that Kinsey spectrum, and keep waiting for that aha moment for one side of the fence or the other that never comes. And, I feel compelled to remind everyone, sexual orientation is not a choice. It's painful to be told you are in a phase or looking for attention or not even real.

However, yes, we are usually able to benefit from all the heteronormative privilege, especially if and when we partner with someone of the opposite gender. Frankly, it's easier. We know what to do. We know how to navigate this. Society teaches us how to do it. And, it makes us invisible. Folks that have that clear-as-a-bell aha moment when they realize they are gay and then have to go through all the coming out, all of the learning about how to navigate relationships, all the fear of all the very real and dangerous backlash, I can't blame you one whit for being suspicious or nervous about partnering with someone who is able to hide better. But please don't tell me I'm not real.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to have to agree with the 9:00 poster from yesterday. All of the openly bi women I've known have ended up with a man (most having kids too). It's just easier - easier to fit in, easier to have kids, easier to explain to people (none of the "yes, we're both Larlo's mommy" or "no, that's my wife, not my sister").

Sure there are lots of bi women in lesbian relationships, but (again, in my experience), they self identify as lesbians.

It's also "easier" to find someone who won't judge you. Lesbians are THE JUDGIEST towards bisexual women. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I wrote this, I read it and realize it reads harsh, but it being and anonymous board and how I actually feel, I am posting it anyway.

Gay man here. My two cents is that you are perceived as wanting all the perks of being lgbt with none of the challenges that go with it. Coming out is irreversible. It was the scariest, but most exciting time of my life. For nearly all lgbt people it is the same

Since you can always choose to be with a man, coming out for you can be taken back at any time and is not permanent Accordingly we have sharply different experiences and bluntly (and selfishly) I don't want you to experience the perks without the challenges.

It feels a bit like you are trying take from me and my community in a way that even straight people of privilege don't. And for that reason you will always be an outsider. We are not the same.

I'm going to offer the Through the Looking Glass version of this view from the POV of a bi person, because I get it. I get that it is different. Bear with me, my head is full of pollen.

We have gotten SO MUCH better about talking to youth who figure out that they are gay than we used to be. However, some of us really and truly fall right smack dab in the middle of that Kinsey spectrum, and keep waiting for that aha moment for one side of the fence or the other that never comes. And, I feel compelled to remind everyone, sexual orientation is not a choice. It's painful to be told you are in a phase or looking for attention or not even real.

However, yes, we are usually able to benefit from all the heteronormative privilege, especially if and when we partner with someone of the opposite gender. Frankly, it's easier. We know what to do. We know how to navigate this. Society teaches us how to do it. And, it makes us invisible. Folks that have that clear-as-a-bell aha moment when they realize they are gay and then have to go through all the coming out, all of the learning about how to navigate relationships, all the fear of all the very real and dangerous backlash, I can't blame you one whit for being suspicious or nervous about partnering with someone who is able to hide better. But please don't tell me I'm not real.

+100

Another bi woman with a +100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I wrote this, I read it and realize it reads harsh, but it being and anonymous board and how I actually feel, I am posting it anyway.

Gay man here. My two cents is that you are perceived as wanting all the perks of being lgbt with none of the challenges that go with it. Coming out is irreversible. It was the scariest, but most exciting time of my life. For nearly all lgbt people it is the same

Since you can always choose to be with a man, coming out for you can be taken back at any time and is not permanent Accordingly we have sharply different experiences and bluntly (and selfishly) I don't want you to experience the perks without the challenges.

It feels a bit like you are trying take from me and my community in a way that even straight people of privilege don't. And for that reason you will always be an outsider. We are not the same.

I'm going to offer the Through the Looking Glass version of this view from the POV of a bi person, because I get it. I get that it is different. Bear with me, my head is full of pollen.

We have gotten SO MUCH better about talking to youth who figure out that they are gay than we used to be. However, some of us really and truly fall right smack dab in the middle of that Kinsey spectrum, and keep waiting for that aha moment for one side of the fence or the other that never comes. And, I feel compelled to remind everyone, sexual orientation is not a choice. It's painful to be told you are in a phase or looking for attention or not even real.

However, yes, we are usually able to benefit from all the heteronormative privilege, especially if and when we partner with someone of the opposite gender. Frankly, it's easier. We know what to do. We know how to navigate this. Society teaches us how to do it. And, it makes us invisible. Folks that have that clear-as-a-bell aha moment when they realize they are gay and then have to go through all the coming out, all of the learning about how to navigate relationships, all the fear of all the very real and dangerous backlash, I can't blame you one whit for being suspicious or nervous about partnering with someone who is able to hide better. But please don't tell me I'm not real.

+100

Another bi woman with a +100

This. Also, being with a man doesn't "take it back." I actually really struggled with dating men after I came out, because I knew how it would be perceived and that I could "pass" and I didn't want my identity taken away. It is easier externally to be with a man but internally I found it easier to be with women, because then I wasn't hiding and no one was questioning me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a teenager, I came out as bisexual to my parents because I felt it was the "safe" option. I knew I was attracted to women but felt this would allow me to one day marry a man and have a "normal" life. Not long after I realized that I was actually a lesbian and just wasn't attracted to men, much less spend my life with one.

My experience is purely anecdotal and restricted to women I've known in my life (whether friends or former partners) but pretty much all women I've known who identify as bi end up with a man - either in a married or long term relationship. It's easier in many ways; you don't face the same sort of discrimination and lord knows having kids is easier (try being a lesbian and grappling with infertility - it's awful). So maybe there is hesitation from prospective love interests because they feel you might eventually bail and take that easier route? Again, this is just based on my own experiences. But I do think everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum, and for women like you who identify as bi and are judged for it -- I know it's hard.

This is exactly it.

[Anonymous]

Another older bi woman here. I think 14:58 nails it. When I was young it was absolutely not fashionable to be bi. Straight people were as horrible to bisexuals as they were to lesbians. And lesbians are right to be leery of bi women. I am, too. Some women say they're bi, but they're just curious or maybe even acting out hypomania, and they're not real candidates for relationships. It can be so lonely to never quite fit in anywhere.

If you see many bi women ending up with men, well of course the odds are higher because the number of straight men in the world is much higher than the number of lesbians and bi women. And those straight men pursue women much more aggressively than lesbians and bi women pursue women.

I think it's sad to take on an attitude that we're all potential sell-outs who are privileged not to have to experience the downsides of being gay if we don't want to. We don't choose to be bi any more than you do to be gay. We don't choose whether to fall in love with women at any point.