Work travel with someone you hate

[Anonymous]

How do you deal? I don’t mean someone who merely isn’t your favorite or isn’t your friend, I mean someone you totally cannot stand. She is a nosy bitch. And I don’t mean “normal” nosy – I mean nosy like – when are you having a baby; I think it’s a terrible idea to have kids after 35; how much do you have in savings; why haven’t you bought a house; do you not have your down payment saved up; how come you don’t have savings – how much were you making in your last job; do you sleep with guys on the first date??

These are all questions she’s asked me or my coworkers. In the office I act too busy and a bit standoffish – like she comes into my office to talk and starting opining on something, I’m quick to say “ok – good to know your opinion” or give her a blank look with no response. And she gets a bit offended and moves on to coworkers who for reasons I don’t understand begrudgingly try to give her answers, which fuels her expectation for answers so she keeps prying.

So I’m traveling for 2 weeks with this bitch which gives her plenty of time to pester (thankfully we get to fly back on the weekend). What do I even say?? How many times can I say – no comment; sorry I don’t want to talk about this; or sarcastically thank her for her view. At my old job it was perfectly ok to say “dude – give it a rest” or “are you effing kidding me?” and make it clear that you’re not interested in speaking for the rest of the trip other than work. This office OTOH prides itself on being “nice” so those things wouldn’t be ok to say – nor can I really get away as we’ll be a good 20 miles outside of Topeka Kansas so it’s not like just going out and walking around in NYC or something. I know she doesn’t like me – and I don’t care – as I don’t report to her in any capacity (she’s a peer despite the fact that she’s 10+ yrs older than me).
WWYD?

[Anonymous]

"Nancy, you ask REALLY personal questions that are inappropriate. I'm not going to be answering any of them. I know you're curious, but these things are private. You make people uncomfortable by asking such personal things."

"Nancy, remember? I told you I'm not answering personal questions."

Then just repeat the last quote EVERY SINGLE TIME she asks. Not in an annoyed tone of voice, just like you're reminding a 4 yr old to put their clothes in the hamper. You can still have boundaries while being nice about it.

[Anonymous]

Work travel doesn't mean being around the person 24/7. Tell her you prefer to eat and be alone to recharge while on travel.

[Anonymous]

Practice the art of the blank stare.

[Anonymous]

What would I do? I don't need to do anything because I am already a mature adult and don't let people control how I feel. My feelings come from inside.

[Anonymous]

Close your eyes. Just imagine that you stuck on a long trip with Ted Cruz. Now open your eyes and see your colleague. This should help to put things in perspective. There, don't you feel better now?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Practice the art of the blank stare.

+1. I work at a company with a lot of good ol' boys and sexist commentary is par for the course. Sometimes I have to check them on their behavior if it is really egregious but most of the time, the blank stare is the best option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I don't need to do anything because I am already a mature adult and don't let people control how I feel. My feelings come from inside.

Right - so when someone is being annoying asf and is in your face for an answer about your finances, you say nothing bc your feelings come from inside? In that moment don't you have to say SOMETHING or give SOME kind of look to make the questioning stop -- when you are dealing with a 45 yr old who has the self awareness of a toddler? Or do you just sit there saying nothing as the person asks question after question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practice the art of the blank stare.

+1. I work at a company with a lot of good ol' boys and sexist commentary is par for the course. Sometimes I have to check them on their behavior if it is really egregious but most of the time, the blank stare is the best option.

+100. You say you have a blank look -- go with that.

[Anonymous]

"Why do you ask?" is often a good response.

In your shoes I'd be spending a lot of time at the hotel gym.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Why do you ask?" is often a good response.

In your shoes I'd be spending a lot of time at the hotel gym.

OP here - no dice on the gym. She is weight OBSESSED so she lives in the gym. So basically I should spend time at the bar or restaurant stuffing my face bc she wouldn't do that. So in addition to financial questions it's a whole line of -- how much do you weight; have you always weighed that; how much were you at in college; do you always eat like that?? She's perfectly normal weight but obsesses about staying at her exact # so she watches like a hawk if you throw sugar in your coffee or eat a 200 calorie something and then makes a comment on it. It will be awesome.

[Anonymous]

I had a male boss like this, who constantly accused me of being "secretive" because I didn't want to share intimate details of my personal, family and dating life. At the time, I was single, childless and committed to staying that way. Now -- 20 years later -- I'm a married SAHM, but I totally get that a trip with your coworker is a trip to hell.

Stay strong and use the time before the trip as an opportunity to give yourself a little space. Remember, business trips are for building your business and your professional contacts. If you go with an itinerary full of lunch and dinner meetings on the corporate expensive account to promote your business, you can keep conversations strictly about the goals of your trip.

1. Don't share a room with her. For example, pay a premium out of pocket if necessary for a higher floor. It'll help you get a good night's sleep and give you a retreat to focus on yourself.
2. Don't share a plane seat. Book a seat towards the aisle or by the window so you can enjoy the flight.
3. Take your iPad and get some work done. Tell her your prepping for the trip as a defense.
4. Book some lunch, break and dinner meetings to do business on the trip and make contacts, maximizing your effectiveness and giving you an easy out from her issues.

5. Change the subject whenever she brings up personal stuff. Turn the topic back to the trip and its agenda. If necessary, print out a schedule and keep it on hand just for such occasions to get her back on topic. The topic is the trip, not your private life.

6. If all else fails and she can't take a hint, tell her directly, "look, Ms. X, I'm single, childless, career oriented and planning to stay that way. I don't want to talk about my personal life. I want to focus on getting the job done. That means going to meetings and planning to get as much out of them as possible. This is our chance to shine. Let's get back to work."

None of this may work, but at least you will have tried.

Who knows? Maybe this woman is desperately unhappy and wants to deflect her negativity back to you. Maybe she wants you to ask her about her own (probably needlessly drama-filled) life. If so, don't be tempted to ask her a bunch of personal questions and get pulled down into the emotional mire of her midlife crisis. Back off and focus on work.

Sounds like a long, arduous journey. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

"I never discuss anything personal with people at work, EVER."

"Why do you want to know?"

"I can't tell you that. It is personal information."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a male boss like this, who constantly accused me of being "secretive" because I didn't want to share intimate details of my personal, family and dating life. At the time, I was single, childless and committed to staying that way. Now -- 20 years later -- I'm a married SAHM, but I totally get that a trip with your coworker is a trip to hell.

Stay strong and use the time before the trip as an opportunity to give yourself a little space. Remember, business trips are for building your business and your professional contacts. If you go with an itinerary full of lunch and dinner meetings on the corporate expensive account to promote your business, you can keep conversations strictly about the goals of your trip.

1. Don't share a room with her. For example, pay a premium out of pocket if necessary for a higher floor. It'll help you get a good night's sleep and give you a retreat to focus on yourself.
2. Don't share a plane seat. Book a seat towards the aisle or by the window so you can enjoy the flight.
3. Take your iPad and get some work done. Tell her your prepping for the trip as a defense.
4. Book some lunch, break and dinner meetings to do business on the trip and make contacts, maximizing your effectiveness and giving you an easy out from her issues.

5. Change the subject whenever she brings up personal stuff. Turn the topic back to the trip and its agenda. If necessary, print out a schedule and keep it on hand just for such occasions to get her back on topic. The topic is the trip, not your private life.

6. If all else fails and she can't take a hint, tell her directly, "look, Ms. X, I'm single, childless, career oriented and planning to stay that way. I don't want to talk about my personal life. I want to focus on getting the job done. That means going to meetings and planning to get as much out of them as possible. This is our chance to shine. Let's get back to work."

None of this may work, but at least you will have tried.

Who knows? Maybe this woman is desperately unhappy and wants to deflect her negativity back to you. Maybe she wants you to ask her about her own (probably needlessly drama-filled) life. If so, don't be tempted to ask her a bunch of personal questions and get pulled down into the emotional mire of her midlife crisis. Back off and focus on work.

Sounds like a long, arduous journey. Good luck!

OP here - it's not a business development or marketing type of trip where you are making contacts and extending your network. We're lawyers - prepping for a case in Kansas; no ties to Kansas whatsoever and there is no one for me to meet with or network with aside from the law firm we'll be with. I do intend to keep answers short and about work - which she hates. She is desparetely unhappy and very comparative (mostly about money about also about relationships, weight etc.). I have never gone down that quagmire like my colleauges have with her and I don't want to start now bc once she thinks she can get answers from you on this stuff, there is no stopping it. She has told people in the office that she thinks her husband isn't the one; she stressed about paying for private school for 2 kids etc.; so I think she makes herself feel better with "at least I have a DH and kids and can pay for private school, these poor young attys have 200k in student debt and still have to rent an apartment" (not true but it's how she acts). I mean that's nice -- we all have our problems -- but I simply DO NOT CARE.

Other thing is she talks so DAMN MUCH. I'm a fairly quiet person -- I see nothing wrong with the sound of silence. She needs to continuously fill that silence which makes me want to scream.

I'm not flying out with her -- she's miffed about that. And of course we're not sharing a room -- I didn't even realize there were employers that did that - ew.

[Anonymous]

ugh...even assuming you work for a firm where everyone plays nice, I would assume everyone things she's nuts so you have some leeway to be a little rude