Am I right to be upset about this?

[Anonymous]

My grandmother died yesterday. We weren't close and had a difficult relationship mostly because she treated my father horribly bordering on abusive but was not that way with his siblings. She had a really long life and it wasn't unexpected either. I'm more sad than I expected to be. I think mostly because I'm sorry for the relationship we didn't have. My cousins all have wonderful fond memories of her and I don't have that. But she was still my grandmother and she loved me in her own way and I loved her as well. In addition to being upset about her death it seems that her funeral is going to coincide with my daughters very first day of school that I'm now going to miss. Obviously it pales in comparison to a death but when I mentioned to both my mother and my husband that I was probably going to miss DDs first day of school both of them just shrugged and made me feel worse for being upset about that as well. I'm not saying it's a bigger upset than my grandmother's death, obviously it's not but I think I can be upset about both.

[Anonymous]

Of course you can.

I had a very similar relationship with my grandmother and I felt nothing when she died.

[Anonymous]

When you say "school", do you mean pre-school? I can't imagine any other reason she would be starting in January.

I despise going to funerals. I think most people do. I just had to attend the funeral for someone I really cared for and I still was trying to come up with reasons not to go. I think you are doing the same thing. Is it really a big deal if someone else takes your daughter to nursery school that day? Maybe you can even postpone sending her to school for a day or two if you really want to be there. I am sure you are telling the truth about your grandmother, and her funeral is not going to be fun for you, but if you don't go, don't use your daughter as an excuse. Just admit to yourself that you didn't care for her and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I really just needed to hear that my feelings are ok since I wasn't getting any of that from my family. Yes, it's pre-school and it's definitely not the end of the world to have someone else take her. It's just the first time she's going and I'm sorry to miss it. I'm not going to miss the funeral because of it. That's just not an option. I could just not send her to school that day but it might be better for her to go when it's the first day for everyone else too. We don't even know for sure if there will be school or even exactly what day the funeral will be and I may even be able to drop her off before the funeral and just have someone else pick her up. The possibility though was just adding to my general sadness and my family made me feel like I didn't have a right to be upset about that.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP, I think your feelings are totally valid.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss. You can postpone your daughter's first day of preschool until you can take her yourself. Under the circumstances, I doubt the preschool will mind, and missing one or even a few days of preschool will not hurt your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar relationship with my grandmother but I have no intention of attending her funeral when she dies, even if I have nothing else to do that day.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar relationship with my paternal grandparents; they were abusive to my dad growing up. I felt nothing when my grandfather died and didn't shed a single tear at his funeral.

But you do probably need to understand that your parents aren't as concerned about your DD's first day of preschool as you are. They have a lot of other things to deal with right now. That's why they shrugged you off; your DD just is not a priority at this moment in time when they're dealing with the death of a parent.

Honestly, if you don't want to be at the funeral, skip it. I flew to my grandfather's funeral but I won't go back when my grandmother dies. Sorry, but I just have other things to spend my money/time on than to go back and remember the life of someone who made my father's life miserable.

[Anonymous]

Your feelings of upset are normal. When someone dies whom we had a difficult conflicted relationship with, often it is very upsetting. Death is final. It's the end of all possibility for that relationship. It's the unresolved, forever. Who wouldn't be upset?

[Anonymous]

All of your feelings are completely reasonable and understandable to me OP. And it sucks that attending the funeral means you have to miss your daughter's first day.

Do whatever you will regret least.

My condolences on your loss - both of your grandmother and also of the relationship you wanted but never got to have with her.

[Anonymous]

Also, re pre-school - can you be on the phone or Facetime w/ her as she's being dropped off? Maybe there's a little way you can share in a piece of it...

[Anonymous]

OP, when it comes to feelings, there is no wrong and right. You are allowed to feel sad whenever you feel sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of your feelings are completely reasonable and understandable to me OP. And it sucks that attending the funeral means you have to miss your daughter's first day.

Do whatever you will regret least.

My condolences on your loss - both of your grandmother and also of the relationship you wanted but never got to have with her.

+1

[Anonymous]

You don't need to be "right" to be upset...but I think you are blowing preschool drop off out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

I would really be bummed to miss my daughter's first day of preschool too. If it were to attend a dearly loved grandmother's funeral, I would probably feel more at peace with that decision than to attend the funeral of a grandmother I felt conflicted about - it just makes the choice harder. I get it OP.