Am I right to be upset about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. I really just needed to hear that my feelings are ok since I wasn't getting any of that from my family. Yes, it's pre-school and it's definitely not the end of the world to have someone else take her. It's just the first time she's going and I'm sorry to miss it. I'm not going to miss the funeral because of it. That's just not an option. I could just not send her to school that day but it might be better for her to go when it's the first day for everyone else too. We don't even know for sure if there will be school or even exactly what day the funeral will be and I may even be able to drop her off before the funeral and just have someone else pick her up. The possibility though was just adding to my general sadness and my family made me feel like I didn't have a right to be upset about that.

OP, while you do recognize that there will be many, many other firsts for your daughter, and this is only preschool which she isn't even likely to remember -- you do indeed have a right to your feelings. You don't have to act on them and it sounds as if you will not, and will go to the funeral instead, but that does not mean that your feelings should be dismissed by your husband in particular. I hope you can tell him what you said here -- that "I know it's an emotional response of a fairly new mom to want to be at the first day of preschool and of course I will go to the funeral instead, despite how I felt about my grandmother. I realize all that. But when I just voiced my disappointment in missing what feels to me like a milestone for my kid, I felt that the response was that I didn't have a right to be upset. Maybe I wasn't clear that I was looking for sympathy and not for a solution -- I know well that the funeral is more important in the larger scheme of things. But be aware that sometimes I want to vent or express feelings and could use some support just for the feelings, even if the actions I'll take will be different."

Or something like that. Your husband might have felt that you were seeking a solution or asking him somehow to validate that you just had to be at the first day of preschool, when he felt that it was a non-issue. If you were not seeking those things but just someone to say, "Yeah, that's rough, but Child will be OK and we'll take some photos for you" -- your husband didn't get that. You might have to tell him so, gently and when you're calm. Some people, especially many men, tend to look for solutions and concrete actions when they are only being told about feelings, and the result can be wives who feel that their husbands brush off their expressions of feeling. I'd talk with him later about it. If you do it the right way and without sounding judgmental, but just expressing what you need at times like that, it could help next time you want to vent feelings to him. I've learned to tell my husband of many years, "I'm just saying what I feel here, I don't need a solution" or words to that effect and he gets it. Same goes for him -- I will ask him, "Are we talking about coming up with a plan here, or just venting?" It works because he knows it's fine to just vent.