Is This The Norm...?

[Anonymous]

I have a grown son (23) who was living with his girlfriend since he was nineteen. She is the same age as he is.

Anyway, they were living in a guesthouse on the property owned by her parents and for the past two months, they had been having major issues and finally tonight he brought his stuff over and asked if he could stay with me because all the drama over there was giving him panic attacks which he recently was prescribed medication for.

Regardless, they are both adults now and I am not taking sides in their relationship. Truthfully, I will let my son stay here (what mother wouldn't??), but that is all the involvement I want. I know relationships are super complicated and I just want to stay out of it.

Well her mother and father as well as her sister and herself (!!) have been calling me and texting me. The parents claim their daughter is absolutely heartbroken he left and they all are basically begging me to convince him to return. I already have numerous email and Facebook messages as well.

I understand fully how much they love their daughter and do not want to see her so hurt. But honestly, I want to keep out of this drama.

My perspective is that they are both adults and it is up to them to fix their relationship....Or not.

I have nothing to do with it. Nada.

But then part of me is wondering if I am being a little cold and old-fashioned.

Thoughts??

[Anonymous]

I think you are absolutely right.

He should not be emotionally blackmailed or convinced to return. They sound very primitive and controlling. Either the couple work it out or they move on. Most relationships at that age fail.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP for the response.

I am feeling better already.

~OP

[Anonymous]

You are doing the right thing, op. If it's meant to be, they'll work it out. If they do work it out, it should be because they both want it, not because family pressured them into it.

[Anonymous]

Oh, no, he's grown. He needs to negotiate this on his own. I married into a culture where the parents are into all their kids' business, and my husband was in his 40s when we married. His parents and siblings were still all in his business. Fortunately he knows how to set boundaries, but in his culture, parental involvement in their adult-children's marriages has often broken up marriages.

If he asks advice, give it. But don't put more pressure on him because they are being knuckleheads. Breaking up with someone is intense enough emotionally.

And if these folks are letting their kid live in a guesthouse, and they get this freaked out when something goes wrong for her, they aren't doing her "any" favors. I bet she has some serious emotional issues because of this, and it's easy to see why their relationship had a lot of drama.

[Anonymous]

7:49 here again. I'd probably e-mail a brief sentence or two to all of them, one time.

"I truly love your daughter, and I wish the best for both Sally and John. I know this is a very difficult time, but I think it's best we stay out of it, so that they can make a mature decision on their own. Any interference by others may come back to haunt their relationship in the future."

[Anonymous]

Not only should you refuse to meddle, it sounds like the relationship was not good for him and he is doing the healthiest thing for himself. Panic attacks are not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7:49 here again. I'd probably e-mail a brief sentence or two to all of them, one time.

"I truly love your daughter, and I wish the best for both Sally and John. I know this is a very difficult time, but I think it's best we stay out of it, so that they can make a mature decision on their own. Any interference by others may come back to haunt their relationship in the future."

Perfect wording.

[Anonymous]

And tell your son not to move in with anyone else unless he's engaged with a firm wedding date set.

[Anonymous]

My son is 24 and I think if he were in your son's situation I would tell the girlfriend ONCE that I am not getting involved in their drama and it's on them to work out their relationship.

But I'd also remind my son that in our family, home is a sanctuary, and it should be your safe place from the world, not a place that gives you so much anxiety that you feel the need for medication. Then I'd tell him my home is always his home and he's welcome to stay as long as he likes.

[Anonymous]

You're doing the right thing. Aside from the fact that they are both adults he has indicated that he needs the distance for his own emotional well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only should you refuse to meddle, it sounds like the relationship was not good for him and he is doing the healthiest thing for himself. Panic attacks are not good.

If the panic attacks are a result of the relationship, I think everyone already knows what needs to happen. Stay out of it. A short email similar to the one of of the PP's would be my only response.

[Anonymous]

OMG, who wouldn't run away from that nightmare?! No, it's absolutely not normal behavior. You don't owe it to these people to be nice or even polite to them. Block their numbers and their messages. I hope your son finds some peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And tell your son not to move in with anyone else unless he's engaged with a firm wedding date set.

What? That doesn't guarantee that she and her family are not basket cases.

[Anonymous]

It's the norm when you date crazy people from families without boundaries.

I'd go with pps 7:51 response, and be as supportive of your son as possible.