Parents who have Aspergers
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Anonymous
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Meaning you the parent and not your kid. I am truly interested in learning about how this affects your parenting, especially if your kids are neurotypical. My Father in law has aspergers and I am trying to help my DH navigate with him some much needed major life changes. I am trying to be patient but I am getting so frustrated at his inability to convey affection to his only kid and only grandchild, or think at all about how his inability to "change' impacts everyone around him. He truly should not be living alone 3k miles from us, we are working as gently as possible with him to get him to move closer but everything is "I can't do change, maybe in a few more years"--down to "If I move I have to get a new accountant". When I make suggestions he usually responds "that never occured to me"--basic stuff, like asking him how he will live independently when he can't drive anymore. My DD made him a card for his birthday, he says "thanks" but then throws it out immediately which confused her. Again, I don't expect him to hold onto it forever but don't throw it out in front of a three year old! Once again, "I never though of it that way"-- to my halloween decorations "I just don't see any practical purpose to decorations" these are just examples frm the last two days.
Let me be clear, I don' think any of this is said or done with malice. He really is super pleasant. But everything must be the same every day. He has one obsessive hobby but is probably a national expert on this one hobby. But my DH is shutting down or really searching for validation which is he never going to get from his Dad. I want to be kind and helpful but I would be lying if I said I wasn't getting super frustrated. I come from a loud, expressive and emotional family. So I want to learn more from parents with aspergers. How do you show affection? What is your biggest challenge? What do you need others around your to do to help you deal with change? Have you been aware how you have hurt your kids or grandkids? thanks |
Anonymous
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First of all, he isn't going to change. He can learn to perform or avoid specific behaviors, but he's wired the way he's wired, and being frustrated that he's not like your family is a road to unhappiness. Part of the change is going to have to be you accepting this and adjusting your expectations so that you can accept what he is able to give. Read up on autism and Asperger's so that you understand the world you are trying to navigate.
You need to clearly and explicitly express your wants and expectations, even things that you think "everyone" knows. People like your FIL like rules and routines, and they like a lot of advance notice and clear explanations when there is going to be a change to that routine. Try to think through all the things that he will need to change--doctors, dentists, accountant, grocery store, furniture, etc., and help him figure out a plan. Be proactive. This stuff can cause a lot of anxiety. Also, making rules and routines for personal interactions--when DD gives you a gift, you tell her how much you love it, and you put it on the fridge/coffee table to display. Etc. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for that. I am doing a lot of reading on google too. I see a lot of connections between my DH own self esteem and mental health to being the son of an aspergers parents. Very helpful. I know its too late for my FIL but as a parent do you feel like you have been able to retrain you mind at all? It just seems that everything is about the neurotypical folks accomodating the Aspie all the time and that gets to be exhausting. |
Anonymous
The Aspie has to do a lot of accommodating just to be able to function in the world at all. It's definitely not a one-way street like you think it is. Talking to you at all may be a huge strain on him. I realize this doesn't actually address your practical problems, but please try to remember that living as successfully as he has done is already a huge effort for him. |
Anonymous
If your FIL had a physical handicap that required accommodation -- like he could only go places with a wheelchair ramp -- would you find it exhausting that you have to do the accommodating and he doesn't just try to get up and walk some of the time? He has a developmental disability and I'm sure he's trying his best. |
Anonymous
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OP, my advice is to focus on what is truly important: changes that are necessary for your FIL's safety and to keep your caregiving situation manageable. If you become his social skills police and pressure him about things like the birthday card, it will destroy an already fragile relationship and make it much harder to accomplish the truly important things.
Yes, it is sad that your DD does not have a grandparent who is more sensitive, but that is life. She will go on to encounter many more people on the spectrum, so teach her healthy ways to cope and to not take it personally. I think you would benefit from a therapist for yourself, not because there's anything wrong with you, but you need someone who will listen to you and your DH is having a hard time being that person. That will relieve the pressure on you. |
Anonymous
This. It's true that there are certain kinds of professional therapy that may be helpful to someone on the spectrum. But this is not about "retraining your mind." It would be more like "completely rewiring the circuitry in your brain." This is a developmental disability that, yes, requires people who are not disabled to make accommodations. My brother has Asperger's, and it can be so frustrating, but I remind myself that it's more frustrating for him. Just being in the world requires him to make accommodations constantly. It's not fair, none of it, but it is what it is. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I say this with all due kindness, but you need to let this go, "I am getting so frustrated at his inability to convey affection to his only kid and only grandchild..." He may not express affection for his grandchild in a way you're used to. In fact, many people have buttoned or brusque personalities without being on the spectrum. Sometimes it's just cultural. People with autism aren't potted plants. Some may have more apathetic personalities, but many may just not communicate in traditional ways. It doesn't mean they don't have feelings or emotions. I have to laugh b/c my own aging parents are mired in their own "inability to "change' [that] impacts everyone around [them]". Neither of them are on the spectrum. People are who they are. Aging can make people more entrenched and stubborn the older they get. And taking care of aging parents can be a priority for many people whether or not their family member is on the spectrum. To find support for an elderly parent in general, you can contact: Administration on Aging (AoA): http://www.aoa.gov Medicare SHIP program for his state: https://www.medicare.gov/Contacts/ For help for a person on the spectrum, contact his local Arc chapter: http://www.thearc.org/learn-about/autism I would also suggest reading Neurotribes or at least listen to the interview: http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/09/02/436742377/neurotribes-examines-the-history-and-myths-of-the-autism-spectrum Personally, I really love Rosie King. You can watch her TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/rosie_king_how_autism_freed_me_to_be_myself?language=en and her BBC special on autism: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejpWWP1HNGQ |
Anonymous
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OP, if he has health insurance, many providers will cover aging in place visits, e.g., install shower grab bars, make sure rugs aren't a slipping hazard, etc. The AARP probably has information on this as well.
You are also reacting way too much on your kid's behalf. Think of it as being at the doctor's office and the nurse says, "Time for a blood draw," and you gasp in horror and go rigid. Does that reaction help a kid relax and roll with the situation? No. So many times, parents don't have their own reactions in check and are projecting a lot of anxiety/disappointment on their kids. Also, if your FIL really is "a national expert on this one hobby," my bet is that there is an association in DC on this hobby. (DC has usually has the most associations geographically b/c everyone wants to be close to the seat of power.) He could always look to volunteering/re-careering in this field locally. |
Anonymous
| Just as a heads up, be cautious with googling randomly. There is a lot of misinformation out there about autism. |
Anonymous
| Do people with aspergers feel lonely or left out or are they more content to be alone? My FIL has no friends and zero social network where he lives. Every single day he reads, walks his dog and listens to classical music and seems very content. When he is with us I wonder if he feels "left out" at the way we (me DH and DD) laugh together, hug etc. We try to include him but he isn't interested. I am really trying to understand what is going on his mind and I know its not something he can articulate. But whats it like to see other people effortlessly socializing, integrating and not be able to do that yourself? |
Anonymous
| Time to let all this go. Why do you need to "understand" him so much? If you are perseverating on this so much, I'd see a therapist to discuss it with. You are surely driving your husband nuts. |
Anonymous
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Lots of good advice here op.
Wise words from a friend who's a geriatric psychiatrist: "As we age we stay the same only more so." |
Anonymous
I have been letting it go for the 7 years I have known the man. But we are reaching a crisis situation on his living arrangements, Health and day to day care. Plus now I really see how his aspergers parenting has affected my DH and worse how i continues to hurt him now even as a middle aged man. I was trying to "understand" so I could've past feeling frustrated with FIL and sad for my DH. So many parents write on DCUM asking for sympathy and understanding of their SN children. I'm trying to do the same for my FIL. Never mind. Maybe that's A blessing for those of you with aspergers, you never have to worry about other people feelings or needs. But you have no idea the damage you mace caused to your kids. |
Anonymous
| Again, no need to "understand" him so much |