Mom Cliques. I had no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they didn't invite you because you are petty and mean and looking to criticize. This has probably come out before.

Oh, poor drunkies!

NP. You understand that going to a restaurant at a winery is the same as going to any other restaurant, right? They weren’t doing a pub crawl.

Yea not quite true. People go to wineries for the wine. Theyre forced to sell usually subpar food for legal reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP's text was bad form (why reveal that it bothered you?! Just act like you don't care and move on!) BUT I do think it was a bit clique-y because of the number of moms. A group of 15 is huge. If OP knew all or most of the mons, and they were all mons from the same school, it is a bit clique-y to do something that big and not invite OP.

Sure, maybe the organizer doesn't know OP, but if other people there do, it's a little surprising that none of them said anything to her. Indicating that the group or outing are at least somewhat exclusive, which is what a clique is.

But where do you cut it off? 15 is already a big group. I’m sure every mom there knew other moms that weren’t there. You can’t take stuff like this personally

I agree you shouldn't take it personally. But I also think it's inevitable that an outing like that will make people feel left out because of the size. If it's a smaller group you can assume the plans came together organically between someons who were already friends. You might still feel left out but just in a normal way, like "I'd love to be friends with those women." Not like you've been excluded specifically.

With 15 moms, you know they aren't all close friends and some of them barely know each other. So it raises the question more of why you weren't invited. It feels more intentional. Or like you've been forgotten or overlooked. It's also more likely to have one organizer, or a small group of organizers, who selected the guest list and chose to leave some people out for whatever reason. As opposed to a group of friends who decided to hang out.

From OP's posts, it seems fairly clear why she was excluded. She's unpleasant and people don't want to spend time with her.

[Anonymous]

That big clique will break apart when the kids hit middle school if not later elementary age. The kids will stop getting along, the parents will stop hanging out, families will move, the one who gets divorced will be frozen out … etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

It's only a clique because OP wasn't invited. I'm doubt she made them uncomfortable, but it's pretty clear she was uncomfortable and awkward about it. That text response was weird AF. Why would bus interactions be weird? It's not like they were friends with OP before. It's only that she has just caught on that they are all friends with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, very much so. The deal is that some women never move out of the clique mentality of needing to have a group of women they are a part of that other women are excluded from. To them, this is just how life is and it does not occur to them that there is another way to do it.

The key is to not buy into it, OP. If those women want to go hang out together without you, who cares? You give them power by buying into the idea that they have something valuable that you are excluded from. They don't. Do you really think "Moms wine night" is super fun? It's not. That's too many people, most are probably boring. I'd way rather grab a drink with one of my longtime friends, or even one newish friend, than go spend an evening with 10+ moms from my kids school who I kind of know making small talk.

Adjust your attitude. Think "wow, thank goodness I don't have to come up with a lame excuse not to attend crap like this" and move on. You make it into more than it is by allowing yourself to feel left out. Embrace JOMO (the joy of missing out).

This is a nice response. While I also was put off by OP's attitude a bit, I could certainly empathize. And obviously, the vicious cliquey girls jumped all over it.

[Anonymous]

My school (Catholic) does stuff like this. They will text every single 3rd grade mom. Around half of them never show up to anything and some have never responded to any texts. I've interacted with the quiet ones and they think it's a big clique and don't want to be involved.
Personally I hate big group events and prefer either one-on-one or very small groups. My social anxiety works overtime sitting at a table with a dozen women trying to be cool. But I always show up to this stuff so as not to be labeled unfriendly!
Sorry OP but you made it weird with the text.

[Anonymous]

15 moms? Thats pretty much the whole class except you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you made unnecessarily awkward. People are allowed to meet up without you. If you had just been friendly and not made an issue of it, you might have been invited to the next one.

+1. Now everyone knows who not to invite.

I marvel at the generation over generation psychoses of some women 'friendships'. You spend your whole lives putting down each other and back-biting and pass that crap down to your kids. It's so gross. OP is just a player in that scenario - the person that is ostracized, there's gotta be at least one. Who else will you talk about when none of you is away in the bathroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That big clique will break apart when the kids hit middle school if not later elementary age. The kids will stop getting along, the parents will stop hanging out, families will move, the one who gets divorced will be frozen out … etc. etc.

I highly doubt this is a solid group of 15 people. The other PP was right and it was probably a mass mailing and open invitation to a larger group to go to this event. OP is so outside of that she didn't even make the mass email which should give her pause. Maybe rethink her social interactions and how she comes across.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think is particularly cliquey. Imagine a couple moms at school drop off talking about how nice the weather has been and wouldn’t it be fun to get together some Friday outside for lunch. “Great idea! Let’s text some people and see who can come!” One mom sends something to the group chat of book fair volunteers she still has on her phone. Another mentions it to her neighbors. The third invites a couple friends. Suddenly you have 15 moms from the same school at a winery of a Friday. You’re not one of them because you fell into none of the groups the invite went out to. You’re reading way too much into this. Maybe you are super annoying and a social manipulator (your post suggests maybe you are) and somebody did think “should we reach out to Jen? Nah, let’s not” but it’s just as likely that this isn’t some exclusive group that is purposely leaving people out.

I’m part of a mom text thread with nine people. Some I’m close to, some I’m not. Plans often get made over the chat but others are always welcome and we all have other relationships outside of the chat. It’s just a convenience means of social planning. If you want in, don’t be a B about it. Just mention to whoever you’re close to in the group that you’d love to join next time if there are group plans. Chances are, unless you’re horrible, they’d be happy to have you,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, very much so. The deal is that some women never move out of the clique mentality of needing to have a group of women they are a part of that other women are excluded from. To them, this is just how life is and it does not occur to them that there is another way to do it.

The key is to not buy into it, OP. If those women want to go hang out together without you, who cares? You give them power by buying into the idea that they have something valuable that you are excluded from. They don't. Do you really think "Moms wine night" is super fun? It's not. That's too many people, most are probably boring. I'd way rather grab a drink with one of my longtime friends, or even one newish friend, than go spend an evening with 10+ moms from my kids school who I kind of know making small talk.

Adjust your attitude. Think "wow, thank goodness I don't have to come up with a lame excuse not to attend crap like this" and move on. You make it into more than it is by allowing yourself to feel left out. Embrace JOMO (the joy of missing out).

This is a nice response. While I also was put off by OP's attitude a bit, I could certainly empathize. And obviously, the vicious cliquey girls jumped all over it.

This. Some of the responses to this thread have been rational, even while telling OP that sending that text was probably not a good idea. But it should be obvious that many of these responses are actually emblematic of clique, "mean girl" behavior that SOME women love to engage in. People ripping OP apart, saying she was excluded because she's horrible (there is absolutely not enough info in this thread to conclude that, it's just a typical mean girl response "we don't like you because you suck"), refusing to empathize with the totally relatable feeling of wondering if everyone is hanging out without you, etc.

The obvious solution here is to recognize that women who act like this are not worth spending time on. They are playing a game that is rigged for them to win, even if you successfully get them to "like" you, it will always be conditional on them coming out on top and you making them look good. People like this are exhausting.

Being left out of a clique is always, always a blessing in disguise. Because cliques suck! They encourage group think and limit your social horizons, and they are the natural habitat of dull people who are incapable of independent thought and lack the maturity and character to just do their own thing without worrying what other people think of it. Cliques are dull and I don't know why anyone would want to be a part of one, especially after the age of about 25.

[Anonymous]

Get a job, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is what you are paying for, husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh yes, very much so. The deal is that some women never move out of the clique mentality of needing to have a group of women they are a part of that other women are excluded from. To them, this is just how life is and it does not occur to them that there is another way to do it.

The key is to not buy into it, OP. If those women want to go hang out together without you, who cares? You give them power by buying into the idea that they have something valuable that you are excluded from. They don't. Do you really think "Moms wine night" is super fun? It's not. That's too many people, most are probably boring. I'd way rather grab a drink with one of my longtime friends, or even one newish friend, than go spend an evening with 10+ moms from my kids school who I kind of know making small talk.

Adjust your attitude. Think "wow, thank goodness I don't have to come up with a lame excuse not to attend crap like this" and move on. You make it into more than it is by allowing yourself to feel left out. Embrace JOMO (the joy of missing out).

This is a nice response. While I also was put off by OP's attitude a bit, I could certainly empathize. And obviously, the vicious cliquey girls jumped all over it.

This. Some of the responses to this thread have been rational, even while telling OP that sending that text was probably not a good idea. But it should be obvious that many of these responses are actually emblematic of clique, "mean girl" behavior that SOME women love to engage in. People ripping OP apart, saying she was excluded because she's horrible (there is absolutely not enough info in this thread to conclude that, it's just a typical mean girl response "we don't like you because you suck"), refusing to empathize with the totally relatable feeling of wondering if everyone is hanging out without you, etc.

The obvious solution here is to recognize that women who act like this are not worth spending time on. They are playing a game that is rigged for them to win, even if you successfully get them to "like" you, it will always be conditional on them coming out on top and you making them look good. People like this are exhausting.

Being left out of a clique is always, always a blessing in disguise. Because cliques suck! They encourage group think and limit your social horizons, and they are the natural habitat of dull people who are incapable of independent thought and lack the maturity and character to just do their own thing without worrying what other people think of it. Cliques are dull and I don't know why anyone would want to be a part of one, especially after the age of about 25.

A clique is a small group. This is not small. So spare us your breakdown of mean girl behavior which is actually coming across as mean and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That big clique will break apart when the kids hit middle school if not later elementary age. The kids will stop getting along, the parents will stop hanging out, families will move, the one who gets divorced will be frozen out … etc. etc.

I highly doubt this is a solid group of 15 people. The other PP was right and it was probably a mass mailing and open invitation to a larger group to go to this event. OP is so outside of that she didn't even make the mass email which should give her pause. Maybe rethink her social interactions and how she comes across.

That makes sense, I wonder if it was a PTA or student activity type thing? The Little League and swim moms are always super close knit, the soccer, basketball, and dance moms seem less so. (But even then … I’ve definitely read about the mom being frozen out of the baseball mom group when her DS starts struggling in the sport or whatever).