So how hard is it really to be a single mother (by choice)?

[Anonymous]

I'm considering doing it on my own, but it's not what I would have wanted and I'm terrified. Those who've been there and are doing that: What should I know? Would you warn me against? Encourage me to go for it?

I'm about 40 and earn $75K/year. I will probably never be wealthy. I do have family nearby but my parents are getting older (late 60s).

[Anonymous]

It will be very hard on that salary - your insurance and medical costs will go up, childcare, food costs, clothing, etc - and your earning potential will likely stagnate because you will be the one fully responsible for being available for pickup/drop off/sick days/doctors' appointments, etc. You'll have to have a family-friendly job.

[Anonymous]

It depends on child care and the supports you have. Child care for a newborn can be up to $2000+ a month an only goes down when the child is 2-3. Its hard, its nice having the support of a partner but if you want a child can feel you can do it, go for it.

[Anonymous]

I think your parents are young enough to help you somewhat during the really time-intensive years. Even if they can't totally babysit on their own, they can at least come over to play with the kid and give you a break, bring you dinner sometimes, etc.

I think $75K is doable if you are a good money manager. Start saving now!

[Anonymous]

If you want it, you should go for it. Going it alone means no one to fight with over how you raise the kid, but also no one to fall back on when you just can't do one more thing on a particularly bad day. If you have a support system nearby - parents/friends - then I say go for it!

[Anonymous]

It's going to be really, really tough on that salary. When you have that sort of salary you generally don't have the kind of job where you can work from home when your kid is sick, or duck out of work last minute when your kid's school calls and you have to run there. Also, depending on where you live, your kid may be very jealous - my kid is poor and she has friends who travel internationally a couple of times a year. It'd be a huge budget-planning moment to scrape together the money for getting a passport. She's constantly telling me "Yukina does gymnastics; can I do it? Lily does soccer with Skylar; I want to do soccer." We'll leave a birthday party and all the other moms will be taking their kids to dinner and invite us and DD's face falls when I say no and it's because I can't afford that. Now she's 12 and wants to go to the mall and buy little trinkets and snacks with her friends and that's at least $20 each time.

Plus, EVERYTHING is on you. Every diaper change, every meal, every single decision. Sometimes it's nice - nobody argues with me about a parenting decision (aside from the kid), but sometimes I just wish someone ELSE could solve the latest problem or cook dinner, or haul the kid where she needs to be, or help her clean her room.

[Anonymous]

Look at your life now. Where do you live? How much space do you have? How long are your hours at work? Are they stable and predictable? How much would it cost to add a child to your insurance? What sort of maternity care does your insurance provide? What kind of maternity leave does your office provide? What sort of childcare arrangement would you seek and would you be able to afford it? What kind of time off plan do you have now (babies get sick and I missed a lot of work that first year)?

I make what you make and because of the answers to all of those questions, I wouldn't be able to have a child without a partner. It's also worth considering what it would cost to get you pregnant in the first place. I know people who have spent tens of thousands of dollars on ART.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at your life now. Where do you live? How much space do you have? How long are your hours at work? Are they stable and predictable? How much would it cost to add a child to your insurance? What sort of maternity care does your insurance provide? What kind of maternity leave does your office provide? What sort of childcare arrangement would you seek and would you be able to afford it? What kind of time off plan do you have now (babies get sick and I missed a lot of work that first year)?

I make what you make and because of the answers to all of those questions, I wouldn't be able to have a child without a partner. It's also worth considering what it would cost to get you pregnant in the first place. I know people who have spent tens of thousands of dollars on ART.

OP here - my hours are predictable but also flexible. I work for a nonprofit and have some leeway with my schedule, and a lot of vacation and sick time. Long story short, I am married now and the future of my marriage is uncertain. We have already been pursuing ART recently - and have spent some money on it - but now that I'm feeling unsure about the marriage I don't want to use my last few eggs making embryos that I may not be able to use in the future. I have been pregnant before (not successfully) and had already arranged to work at home part time, so as far as I know that offer still stands with my employer. I live in a one-bedroom condo in a very nice part of the city with a couple of good elementary schools nearby. My living expenses are low, for the time being. I own my home and payments are very low. I also own my car, though it is quite old.

[Anonymous]

I think owning your own home is a huge plus going into this as it will save you expenses down the road. Also consider whether you are in a good school district where you can stay through the elementary years. Is your job secure? Would you be able to pick up extra work from home if necessary?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would say see a financial planner. You can totally make a 1BR work, at least for a while, but would divorce mean that you only own half of the condo? What about your savings and retirement?

You can do this but it will require careful planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would say see a financial planner. You can totally make a 1BR work, at least for a while, but would divorce mean that you only own half of the condo? What about your savings and retirement?

You can do this but it will require careful planning.

No, the condo is mine, and we have a prenup stating that if we go our separate ways we take with us whatever we brought in, and split whatever we earned or acquired during the marriage.

I have some money in savings - less now that we've done some IVF - and about the same in retirement. Not much at all in retirement. There's no way I would be able to put the kid through college. And if (God forbid) he or she had special needs, we'd really be up a creek.

[Anonymous]

Consider that infant daycare is minimum $1500/month. Can you spare that much for 2 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that infant daycare is minimum $1500/month. Can you spare that much for 2 years?

Probably not, but my parents would take the child 2 days/week.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want this to happen, you need to start saving like crazy. I wouldn't sweat college, but childcare and your own retirement will be tough. Still, I would say if you truly want to be a mother (especially if you already have the eggs retrieved), then you will find a way to make the finances work out and it will be worth it.

There are social groups for single mothers and single mothers by choice. You could look into that. It may be a helpful resource and you could trade baby supplies, swap childcare, etc.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot going on already. I know that pursuing single motherhood by choice is all-consuming (adoption, in my case) and I would assume ending a marriage is overwhelming, too.

If you are going to do this, you have to act now. I had always set 40 as the age that I would start pursuing motherhood if I didn't find Mr. Right, but 40 came and went and I didn't get serious for a few years and then adopted in my mid-40s, and I was very lucky. I can't emphasize enough how much time this all takes, whether you are going to have your own child or adopt.

It sounds like your parents are supportive, so that's a good thing, especially given the money issues you may have. I was lucky enough to have a consistent caregiver for many, many years, and we essentially raised DC together.

Still, one thing that I didn't expect was the loneliness of single motherhood, especially in the beginning, when your child's needs are constant and they can't yet talk. It gets better once your child becomes an "interactive" person, but the loneliness - and lack of ability to go out at all, even to run to the drugstore - did take me by surprise.

But it has all been worth it, that's for sure.

Good luck.