Guests who criticize your house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these your inlaws, OP? I agree with above that you sound really defensive and should stop reading ill intent into everything. "When are you going to do do your kitchen?" "We're not; we like it like this" or maybe "Ehh, I don't know; maybe one day, but we think it's fine for now."

+1

If they are really just asking questions, take them at face value. Either use the "why do you ask" line, or just say that you aren't planning to renovate X or repaint Y anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Now that I'm over 40, I dont tend to give a f*** when someone says things like this, which is quite infrequent bordering on never. I dont take it personally, I dont dwell on it. If anything I just start picking their brain for good ideas, then they get tired of the topic anyway. Our house may be modest but its debt-free at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle family guests who criticize and question your home?

We have a lovely, 3-floor SFH that is well-maintained. There are some aesthetic things we want to change, and have done a few fun things, but in the 6 years we've owned our home, we have focused on addressing any structural issues that needed to be addressed/would be good to do. I'd say even our cosmetic stuff, our house is a 7.5/10 in good shape when it comes to looks, and 10/10 with maintenence.

We have family guests who stay here 3-4 times a year. They are constantly, and I mean constantly, finding fault with our home and asking when we're going to do this or that. None of it, in my view, is needed, except I do really want to do new carpet/flooring upstairs. But even that is just cosmetic and not needed; the current carpet is fine and not worn or torn or anything.

What do you say to people who make these kinds of comments?

[And no, we've accepted money from exactly no one, and would never. We turned down money twice when it was offered. Again; everything structural is great, we've done some cosmetic work, but the rest is all just details and we will do one project at a time, as we can afford it while still saving, traveling and all the other things we prioritize.]

I'm not nice about this. If it's about cleaning, I offer to show them where the supplies are. Other than that, I ignore it or change the subject. Because damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

OP, playing devil's advocate here, I can see all of those questions as being totally innocuous. It sounds like you've done a lot around the house, so these all seem like things you'd be considering and would want to talk about. We are building a house, and when I walk people through it and they ask me if I'm going to do a built-in somewhere, I don't take it as them saying my house will be crappy if I don't, but more of a topic of conversation. Now, it's also possible to say all these things in a rude tone, and maybe that's where you are, but maybe try assuming the best of intentions, answering nicely, and then hoping they'll leave it be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

This sounds like just making conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Frankly, those all seem like normal questions from people who know you're working on a to-do list. You can choose to be offended or you can choose to answer the question as you have here.

That’s not normal; it’s rude. Who accepts hospitality and then criticizes their host’s home?

Exactly, it is incredibly rude. I would say something like "If our home is not up to your standards, there are several hotels in the area that may be to your liking depending on how much you are willing to spend."

[Anonymous]

These sound like questions coming from someone who knows (or thinks) you are planning to do cosmetic remodeling/re-decorating. If there is no reason for your guests to think that you are planning that, then just say you are fine with the way things are and not planning on any major changes.

FWIW, your OP comes across as if you regret not having yet been able to make cosmetic changes...and it's possible you talk about that more than you realize.

It's possible your guests are just insanely rude, but the phrasing you describe points to their thinking they are being helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

This sounds like just making conversation.

It sounds like conversation to me, too. Except it can be annoying conversation.

We have a kitchen that really does need to be renovated - our oven literally does not work and there's water damage - but we have no $$ for it yet. My mom - whom I love dearly - likes to ask about it every few weeks. "Are you thinking about redoing the kitchen yet?" "How's it going with the kitchen renovation?" I have to constantly say, "We do not have the money for it right now. I will let you know when we do." Then she always says, "Well you'll do it when you're ready!" - which for some reason gets under my skin even more than just asking in the first place.

I deal with it by snapping at her and then not thinking about it again until the next time. What else can you do? I love my mom, and I am not willing to engage in any kind of amped up fighting over her being a little insensitive when it comes to how much $ it requires to do the things we'd like to do with our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat rudeness with rudeness. This is all they understand. Just say, "We love our house exactly the way it is. We live here. You don't. In future, You may stay in a hotel."

+1 I don't even think that's rudeness. It's being direct and establishing boundaries. I don't buy into the notion that you have to play the martyr and tolerate rude behavior from family. I'd say in a calm tone that if they are going to insult me and my house, then they should stay at a hotel.

It's all about establishing boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny story - several years ago, my sister came to help me unpack after I had just moved into my first home. Before she arrived, I decided to hang a garland over the arched entrance way between the living room and kitchen. Nothing gaudy or ostentatious; to me it complimented the style of that part of the house. It was the first piece of decorating I'd done in my new home, but it was an initial step in making the home feel truly mine, as corny as that sounds.

Of course, the first thing out of my sister's mouth when she stepped into the room was, "OMG, that is the absolute worst! WTH were those people thinking. That thing needs to come down NOW." After a few minutes of silence, I just said calmly, "Well, I just did hang that, right before you arrived." That caused her to clam up pretty quickly and then she sputtered about how nice it was. I just laughed and we still laugh about it over ten years later.

Unless it's a matter of life and limb, people really need to think before offering unsolicited opinions. My general response to people with no filter is just to make a "Hmmm" sound without really saying anything and I find that will sometimes shut down one-sided conversations.

are you talking about hanging up fake greenery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

I don't hear any criticism in any of these questions. They are just... questions. They maybe an awkward attempt at getting conversation started, but on their face, there doesn't seem to be ill intent in them. Sounds like you just don't like these people and are looking for reasons to be annoyed at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

I don't hear any criticism in any of these questions. They are just... questions. They maybe an awkward attempt at getting conversation started, but on their face, there doesn't seem to be ill intent in them. Sounds like you just don't like these people and are looking for reasons to be annoyed at them.

That's like asking who lays out a Thanksgiving spread for you, "How are you going to change the recipe next year?" "Next year, do you plan on serving more side dishes?"

It's effing rude, end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

I don't hear any criticism in any of these questions. They are just... questions. They maybe an awkward attempt at getting conversation started, but on their face, there doesn't seem to be ill intent in them. Sounds like you just don't like these people and are looking for reasons to be annoyed at them.

That's like asking who lays out a Thanksgiving spread for you, "How are you going to change the recipe next year?" "Next year, do you plan on serving more side dishes?"

It's effing rude, end of story.

Folks on DCUM spend lots of time being offended. Life is better if you don't waste your energy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

I don't hear any criticism in any of these questions. They are just... questions. They maybe an awkward attempt at getting conversation started, but on their face, there doesn't seem to be ill intent in them. Sounds like you just don't like these people and are looking for reasons to be annoyed at them.

That's like asking who lays out a Thanksgiving spread for you, "How are you going to change the recipe next year?" "Next year, do you plan on serving more side dishes?"

It's effing rude, end of story.

Folks on DCUM spend lots of time being offended. Life is better if you don't waste your energy it.

np: If you don’t get why this is rude, you need to re-examine your social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give some examples of what they actually say?

"What are you planning for the kitchen?" [Kitchen is fine; granite, nice cupboards, new appliances in stainless steel. Not all of it was all our pic, but no real estate agent would put it on the "must-do" list.]

"When are you going to get new carpet upstairs?"

"What color will you be painting the deck?" [Deck is in great shape and we power-wash it twice a year.]

"When you do this room, are you going to do built-in bookcases?" [In regards to the parlor, which is perfectly fine, freshly painted and nothing wrong with it at all. Apparently it's not "done" because it has a stand-alone bookcase instead of built-ins.]

I don't hear any criticism in any of these questions. They are just... questions. They maybe an awkward attempt at getting conversation started, but on their face, there doesn't seem to be ill intent in them. Sounds like you just don't like these people and are looking for reasons to be annoyed at them.

That's like asking who lays out a Thanksgiving spread for you, "How are you going to change the recipe next year?" "Next year, do you plan on serving more side dishes?"

It's effing rude, end of story.

I think its more like asking someone who is overweight about weight loss strategies. Whether or not it's appropriate depends on the context and the person asking. If you are friends who are both trying to lose weight and sharing what you are doing, then it is totally appropriate and even kind of a fun conversation. If your mother in law just asks you out of the blue, then it is inappropriate and rude.