My dd goes to Stanford, she is a freshman and not loving it. She got it on her music merits

[Anonymous]

OP, it's too soon. Revisit this concern after Spring Semester ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't enjoy my top university experience and would have been much better off at a SLAS. My parents were so thrilled I got into the school that they would have been very disappointed if I didn't accept. My friends that went to SLACs went on to attend top graduate programs so it certainly didn't hurt them.

+1.

I went to Duke and I was utterly miserable. I put so much pressure on myself honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<It's a very American concept to 'find yourself' 'be happy'...and if it's important to you, ok. But that's not what I care about. I care about prestige and I care about marketing myself. >>

To some extent, your age is talking. When you are fifty, you will be in a better position to decide if prestige is more important than happiness. I think you will find that the former does not necessarily lead to the latter.

Understanding who YOU are, and what YOU want (independent of your parents and culture) is a worthwhile pursuit...but it may take more growing up for you to realize that. I wish you well , I really do.

Like I said, what floats your boat but your values arent universal. You assume that happiness should be the primary goal to the exclusion of prestige but why can't I be happy in prestigious Stanford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only October, so it's still pretty early in her college experience. What elements is she having a hard time with?

Especially because Stanford begins in October. Mom if you are encouraging this attitude after three weeks, you need to grow up. No place is perfect so teach your teenager to bloom where she is planted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does no one on this post believe in being true to yourself?
Is it all about keeping up appearances?

I swear, that is why so many of these hard driving kids contemplate suicide or resort to cutting. Everyone is telling them to squash their feelings and present socially constructed perfection to the outside world.

Poor kids.

She has been at school for three weeks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know an Asian kid who turned down Stanford. Was turned off during visiting day - host didn’t show up despite repeated calls, administration could not be reached, kid plus a dozen others had to sleep on floor near entrance of dorms where other students just stepped over them with no one offering to help, and found the students overly focused on making money. Parents were fine with kid turning down Stanford - kid was a superstar and admitted to HYP also.

I'm the Indian PP. If the kid turned down Stanford for HYP, then that is ok. It's comparable. But not if it's Iowa State, you know what I mean? Some PPs talk about "being true to yourself" and I think your opinion is valid...to you. It's a very American concept to 'find yourself' 'be happy'...and if it's important to you, ok. But that's not what I care about. I care about prestige and I care about marketing myself. Maybe it doesn't fit your American ideals but there's something to be said about the high success rates among Asian immigrants.

I just posted about my DD's best friend in Cornell. She is depressed and she can not talk to her parents about it. Why? They are Indian and do not want to hear that kind of talk. "You are fine. Go ahead and finish school. We will see you on winter break." It is heartbreaking.

https://planamag.com/why-are-asian-american-kids-killing-themselves-477a3f6ea3f2

Asian American college students are 1.6 times more likely than all others to make a serious suicide attempt. They are 3 times less likely to seek out professional therapy or counseling. Across all students, about 24% are estimated to experience suicidal ideation at some point in their time at school. It’s safe to assume that the proportion for Asian American students is even higher. When I entered university in 2014, Asian American student deaths at Yale, MIT, and UPenn were making national headlines. Recently, the death of Luke Tang at Harvard University prompted a university-wide conference on Asian American mental illness and the filming of Looking for Luke, which follows Luke’s parents’ life after their son’s passing.

So Asian kids kill themselves out of perfectionism. Is this news? It's better than white kids getting addicted to opioids and heroin and becoming a burden to the taxpaying population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for posting this. People need to resist the mindset (so prevalent in this area) that ever student should go to the highest ranked school they are admitted to.

For MANY reasons (social, emotional and academic) that may not be the best course of action for your child. Consider them, not how others might rank and stack you or them compared to peers.

(And this is NOT a criticism of the family involved, I just think it is a valuable cautionary tale.)

My family is Indian (South Asian) and my parents would have been very angry if I made it to Stanford and didn't choose to go. It's a matter of cultural values I think. As immigrants, we don't have the social capital of WASPs so we work our asses off to get into the best possible schools. No one asks "How does this school fit you?"- that's just weird.

Let me guess — you’ve posted on the relationship forum about finding a “high quality mate”, and your priority is earning potential, ambition and prestige.

[Anonymous]

So, are you saying that killing yourself is more prestigious than overdosing on drugs??? Really.

What is wrong with this picture.

[Anonymous]

6 weeks into my freshman year I BEGGED my parents to let me come home. I really cried. They relented and let me fly home from Boston for 1 weekend after 2 months.
I got it out of my system and really enjoyed the rest of my year and fell in love with the school. It is way to early to judge. Definitely go visit her or let her come home for 3 or 4 days. She'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that October is way to soon to call it. If she's not happy with the quality of other student musicians, she should look beyond campus. She's fortunate to be having these feelings in an urban area. If she can't find what she needs on campus, look in Palo Alto, and if that isn't working, make the trip to SF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What doesn't she like? My husband went there and I've never met anyone who doesn't think it was great. Is she homesick? What's the issue? Maybe we can help brainstorm ideas for her.

She says their is low-key "discrimination" against non-stem kids and the music practice rooms are nearly non-existent and the music talent is just not the same level as the east coast. Met some nice people but isn't having "the time of her life" at least yet

Why must she be having the time of her life? I think we put too high expectations on college to be that (especially with how stressful college admissions are these days). It is a time of your life, and you should strive to do well, which can launch you into a good career, but the expectation that you should be deliriously happy every day just to walk that hallowed ground is too much.

Most people do have that experience.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it is too soon to make a final call on this...BUT I think your child should feel heard. And I think that you should stay "close" in whatever way you can.

My child IS deliriously happy with her choice. I don't expect that to last forever, but she is involved in tons of activities, making meaningful connections with faculty members, has a solid group of friends and is doing well academically. She told me sometimes she just sits in her adirondack chair and feels lucky looking out over the campus. This is all music to a parent's ears. I am sorry that you did not have the same experience OP.

PS-We focused on FIT, despite so many posters disparaging that approach. She turned down 6 other schools that were more highly ranked, and I TOTALLY can see that she made the right decision for her.

[Anonymous]

Funny all the Indians on this thread. I’m also Indian. My brother went there and I’ve always idealized it. However he was kind of an alternative kid (played in bands, this was the 90s, was into counterculture), and he said he wished he went to Berkeley. He was in the class of 93 that was famous for grads who founded many internet startups. He is entrepreneurial but has never made it big. Would have been better to go to another school. (We were from ny state)

[Anonymous]

A family friend's daughter went to school in another state and while studying there she was a member of a city's orchestra. May be your daughter could explore opportunities to play outside of Stanford University, once she settles down in her studies. All the best to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, are you saying that killing yourself is more prestigious than overdosing on drugs??? Really.

What is wrong with this picture.

Addicts who OD are a burden on the public purse. Plus, they will rob you and sell your possessions for their quick fix.