Those of you who stay together for the kids, how do you cope with the resentment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in a high-tension marriage, separated but living under the same roof. A conflict can erupt at any time. I really wish I didn't have to see my husband ever again. However, we have a 13 year-old together. We have already reduced communication to the kid-related minimum. So even if we divorced, I'd still have to communicate with him just as much or more because of the logistics.

However, on the weekends (the only time we see him) interacting with him makes me so depressed that I am hardly able to do anything. I am so hurt and resentful. I see no way out of this misery.

I can hardly believe that the man I married 20 years ago now behaves in such a rude and insensitive manner. A small example from last night: he had picked up DD at a friend's birthday party 45 minutes away. H and DD have driven back already 10 minutes when DD received a phone call from another friend at the party. Her parents were asking us to take the girl with us, and they would pick her up at a location convenient to us. They live 15 minutes from us in the other direction, so it made sense to carpool. Five minutes later I called DD and told her in our native language which location on our route is the meeting point most convenient to the other parents. While I was speaking to my daughter, H rudely intervened, saying in an aggressive tone (in our native language) that I should shut up and hang up, because the discussion is over. It turned out that he, because he is not familiar with the map and couldn't identify a convenient location to hand over the friend, had already offered to drive her home instead. That meant 30 extra minutes drive past my daughter's bed time.
When they got home he explained that he didn't want the girl to have the impression that we don't want to drive her home. However, her parents didn't expect us to drive her anyway. Plus, our conversation was in our native language, so the girl didn't understand it anyway. I told him that, along with "The girl certainly did understand the tone and manner in which you speak to me." His reaction: "You always pick a fight."

This is how he speaks to me often. Our daughter, who is otherwise sweet and respectful, has started to align her behavior on the weekends to that of her father, and more and more often speaks to me in a rude, abrupt and disrespectful manner, too.

This makes me so unhappy, I can hardly bear it.

A recent thread on this forum about communication among separated spouses made me realize how
common my situation is, sadly.

How do you cope with the anger, how do you put yourself in a better place mentally?

Take a look in the mirror. He probably thinks the EXACT SAME about you. He's likely not he only problem. You're part of the issue as well. Keep that in mind with all that hatred you have...

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous posters that this was not a compelling example at all. I am in a situation where I am choosing to stay. He is toxic. But here is how I stay:
1. pick your battles.
2. go to therapy for yourself.
3. do not protect him. I don't excuse his behavior, his words, his actions.
4. build a strong relationship with your kid. You may want to read Lisa D'Amour - she has a great book on parenting teens.
5. find your own happiness.
6. do not expect him to change. You need to find your happiness without needing him to change at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

He would figure it out.

I think the OP was concerned he might never come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are worried about missing your daughter’s bedtime by a few minutes and your daughter is 13?

One of many red flags here.

OP here again. My daughter has a track and field meet today and had to be on site by 8 a.m.

Plus, my husband didn't know exactly where the friend lives and couldn't be expected to figure out a convenient meeting spot while driving.

He would figure it out.

Yeah, this is his problem. Why are you trying to solve his problems, OP? If he’s a dumbass, that’s on him. Let him fail.

[Anonymous]

Split up. It’s only going to get worse. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193579.page

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you picked a fight with him. Your kid is 13 and you're worried about her staying up 30 minutes past her bedtime? He was driving, it was his choice to make. You need to stop nitpicking everything he does. That ought to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193579.page

OMG, I remember that insane post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193579.page

OMG, I remember that insane post.

But the 13 year old WANTS to inherit the house of misery!