"Women judge other women when they are feeling either jealous or smug."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This sounds like another way to make women into an old sexist trope and stereotype. People judge people for all sorts of reasons. Many more than just two.

Please tell me about this sexist trope. Women judge other women more harshly than men judge women.

From junior high to Sunrise Senior Living, women judge their friends and enemies and often act on these judgments by saying and doing horrible things. For all the hand-wringing we read on DCUM about what men say to women, we do not read much about how awful women can be to each other.

How many times have you heard "Ugh I can't believe she said that. She's just jealous!!!" Not all women are jealous and "catty" (a term almost exclusively used for women). There is a trend to discount things women say because theyre just jealous, trying to pit women against each other.

There has been a big push in the younger generations to discard this and support other women. Yeah, you may not like everyone, but just because you dislike someone it shouldn't automatically be assumed its because youre jealous. Which is what OPs mom is trying to say (or smug), which I disagree with.

I'm not saying anything about how harshly women judge other women or comparing their judgement to men, only the automatic assumption it's because its based on jealousy.

[Anonymous]

I judge women who don't keep up their appearance then cry that their husbands are disinterested or cheating. I empathize that we're all very busy and men shouldn't be so shallow but... Men are visual creatures - the solution is simple. You won't catch me at the grocery store looking disheveled, fat, or unmoisturized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

I just noticed a woman's large ring while she was checking out in the craft store this morning and my thought was "wow, that seems like it would get in the way for a lot of tasks". Like does it get caught in your hair a lot? Do you take it off at the gym every time? It's the same response I've had to super long nails.
I've never paid too much attention to jewelry, although I appreciate pretty pieces that are a style I like. I do associate a very very large with ring with someone who has money or wants to appear they have money, but it's not really a moral judgment, just an association.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge women who don't keep up their appearance then cry that their husbands are disinterested or cheating. I empathize that we're all very busy and men shouldn't be so shallow but... Men are visual creatures - the solution is simple. You won't catch me at the grocery store looking disheveled, fat, or unmoisturized.

Are you looking to hook up and cheat at the grocery store? What an odd post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

PP. There are lots of pretty sparkles that cost less than $10-20K. Which is the price point of the real rings in that category. I figured somebody would call me out for my comments but I'm pretty sure this size of ring, like driving a luxury car, is intended to be noticed/assessed by others. The people I know like this, the bride tells the groom what to buy. These are not spontaneously presented rings.

My ring was about 11k. The diamond isn't huge at all, but it isn't small either -- it has a 1.5 carat center stone. It isn't "intended to be noticed/assessed by others" at all. I like rocks, I always have, my grandfather was a geologist and my first science fair project in early elementary school was about geodes. Diamonds are beautiful to look at, as are rubies, sapphires, amethysts, opals, whatever. Your post? Well -- there is that judgment with smugness OP is asking about...

You got an 11K ring because you like rocks and geodes? And it had to be a diamond? You know they actually sell quartz engagement rings, right? I'm not smug. I just don't believe your reasoning.

[Anonymous]

I get judge-y when I am feeling insecure or when my depression/anxiety is flaring up. Otherwise I'm more of a "she looks awesome" person. But I can definitely tell the difference in my mood when I have judgmental thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I judge women who don't keep up their appearance then cry that their husbands are disinterested or cheating. I empathize that we're all very busy and men shouldn't be so shallow but... Men are visual creatures - the solution is simple. You won't catch me at the grocery store looking disheveled, fat, or unmoisturized.

What does dressing to go to the grocery store have to do with husbands cheating? Seems like you're dressing up (or moisturizing?) for the grocery store stock boys rather than anyone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

Sure, maybe, but an average size ring can be beautiful and sparkly...there are certainly rings that are a "statement" and that statement is not purely for the wearer's personal enjoyment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

I just noticed a woman's large ring while she was checking out in the craft store this morning and my thought was "wow, that seems like it would get in the way for a lot of tasks". Like does it get caught in your hair a lot? Do you take it off at the gym every time? It's the same response I've had to super long nails.
I've never paid too much attention to jewelry, although I appreciate pretty pieces that are a style I like. I do associate a very very large with ring with someone who has money or wants to appear they have money, but it's not really a moral judgment, just an association.

You should always take your rings off for the gym! Dangerous, bad, really gross things can happen to fingers with rings at the gym

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Judging engagement ring size is very petty on the sliding scale of female pettiness.

When someone has a small stone, I assume they married young or had other priorities.

The larger rings used to be more indicative of something about the finances of the couple, but the advent of lab-grown diamonds makes it impossible to know. So now I just think those larger rings suggest a need to show off. But don't actually convey anything financial about the owner.

My local CVS has some decent-looking large diamond engagement ring knockoffs (odd that they sell them there...isn't it?).

Hmm. There is that smugness OP's mom referenced. I just think those larger rings suggest the wearer thinks gems are pretty and that they enjoy sparkling jewelry.

Or that the DH adores them and gave them something really nice to say "thanks for the last 20 years" which my DH did. Platinum, 3 stone, emerald cut 4 1/2 carats, GIA F, etc., and I love it!

[Anonymous]

I am generally so overwhelmed with life that I don't have mental capacity to judge

[Anonymous]

How many times have you heard "Ugh I can't believe she said that. She's just jealous!!!" Not all women are jealous and "catty" (a term almost exclusively used for women). There is a trend to discount things women say because theyre just jealous, trying to pit women against each other.

Not all women are jealous and catty all (or most) of the time. However, every woman is sometimes jealous or catty (or both). You seem bothered by the fact that the term "catty" is almost exclusively used for women. However, are you bothered by the fact that terms like "wimp," "nerd," and "geek" are used exclusively for men?

There has been a big push in the younger generations to discard this and support other women.

Bullshit. Do you have daughters in middle school? Young women are still doing the same things to each other that their mothers did 30 years ago and their mothers did 30 years before that.

Yeah, you may not like everyone, but just because you dislike someone it shouldn't automatically be assumed its because youre jealous. Which is what OPs mom is trying to say (or smug), which I disagree with. I'm not saying anything about how harshly women judge other women or comparing their judgement to men, only the automatic assumption it's because its based on jealousy.

Enlighten me. When a woman unfavorably judges another woman's appearance (something I have heard my entire life, from grade school to retirement parties), how often is it not motivated by jealousy? Answer: seldom.

[Anonymous]

I judge moms for their ill-behaved children all the time, and I’m definitely not jealous or smug. I feel guilty about it because I’m certain every time I have a fleeting judgment that my kids will act up to punish me for my judgy thoughts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This sounds like another way to make women into an old sexist trope and stereotype. People judge people for all sorts of reasons. Many more than just two.

Please tell me about this sexist trope. Women judge other women more harshly than men judge women.

From junior high to Sunrise Senior Living, women judge their friends and enemies and often act on these judgments by saying and doing horrible things. For all the hand-wringing we read on DCUM about what men say to women, we do not read much about how awful women can be to each other.

+1 Women are the ones who have blocked women's progress, look at the women who blocked the ERA. Also, look at the zillion mommy wars threads on this site.

[Anonymous]

You say your aunt asked in a polite way, but it sounds like she was being unkind. Just because she felt judged back in the day doesn’t mean she should ask you if you feel judged. Your mom said something simplistic, but she was right to shut down that line of questioning from your aunt. Don’t give it another thought.