I feel like I’m losing my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the reason for the divorce? I’m wondering if she is modeling some parental behavior and sort of working things out that way.

I’m sorry, that is really hard.

Her dad had a kid with another woman (not his current wife).

I’m sorry OP. This is horrible. I’m wondering if in some passive aggressive way she is punishing you for this, because you are the safest place for her mixed up feelings to land? She knows you love her unconditionally. Her dad- with a track record like that - who knows.

[Anonymous]

It’s a teenager’s job to separate from their parents. This is the purpose of adolescence. Dad’s wife is a friend, not a mother. Do not see it as a competition. She’ll come back around.

[Anonymous]

Reading your post angers me. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Focus on yourself and give your daughter space.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I’m starting to realize it’s about money. Her dad and stepmom bought her expensive gifts for Christmas and gifted her $1000 as well. Plus they’re currently in Saint Martin. I know it’s not a competition, but I really can’t compete with that in her eyes.

[Anonymous]

She does this to you because you ARE her mother. She doesn't do it to the other woman because she is NOT her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m starting to realize it’s about money. Her dad and stepmom bought her expensive gifts for Christmas and gifted her $1000 as well. Plus they’re currently in Saint Martin. I know it’s not a competition, but I really can’t compete with that in her eyes.

I mean if she prioritizes $$ and other superficial things then fine, have at it. Hopefully she grows up and realizes how valuable other things like unconditional love are, even if they are boring. Unfortunately, she has an a-hole for a dad so she may well end up being an a-hole herself. Be prepared for that outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m starting to realize it’s about money. Her dad and stepmom bought her expensive gifts for Christmas and gifted her $1000 as well. Plus they’re currently in Saint Martin. I know it’s not a competition, but I really can’t compete with that in her eyes.

I mean if she prioritizes $$ and other superficial things then fine, have at it. Hopefully she grows up and realizes how valuable other things like unconditional love are, even if they are boring. Unfortunately, she has an a-hole for a dad so she may well end up being an a-hole herself. Be prepared for that outcome.

Our family it is the opposite - mom is the one with family money. All her life girl was told she could have anything material she wanted, in fact, even as a young child they bragged and told her point-blank she would never have to work a day in her life if she didn't want to since there was plenty of money just waiting for her. At the age of 23 they bought her a four-bedroom suburban home and a few years later, a beach place.

Dad, from a middle class family, had no way to compete with that. Mom made sure that girl learned her father, and his entire family, had no "value" and she didn't need to maintain relationships with any of them. Since mom was picking up the tab for all these luxuries, what child (even as an adult) would NOT side with the money bags?!

And yes, she wound up being an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (16) has a stepmother that she’s bonded with in the past year. Lately, when I plan to do things with DD she’ll tell me she has no desire or complains if I drag her to do something. I ask her what would she like to do, and she’ll tell me she wants to be left alone. Her dad will call her and tell her the stepmom wants to hang out to go shopping, movies, dinner, etc and DD will jump at the chance to go. Even with the holidays she prefers to be at her dad’s instead of home because she has such a great time with her dad and stepmom. Most recently, I bought matching Christmas PJs and she told me she’s too old for that. But then I found out through her social media (which she posted) that not only does she have matching PJs with the other side, they did a photoshoot. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She only has a few years left before she’s off to college so I want us to spend as much time together as possible. However, it’s hard to do when DD is showing very little interest in spending time with me. Any advice?

Well it's only been a year. I'm sorry you're going through this but like others mentioned, there is that novelty factor. I had a similar experience and would even dream about the other woman taking my child. But I accepted that if DD enjoyed it, I was happy for her. And not only did the novelty where off for my child, but the novelty wore off for for the other woman also. It's just a practice of letting go and turning the other cheek. Although it's simple I know it's not easy. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (16) has a stepmother that she’s bonded with in the past year. Lately, when I plan to do things with DD she’ll tell me she has no desire or complains if I drag her to do something. I ask her what would she like to do, and she’ll tell me she wants to be left alone. Her dad will call her and tell her the stepmom wants to hang out to go shopping, movies, dinner, etc and DD will jump at the chance to go. Even with the holidays she prefers to be at her dad’s instead of home because she has such a great time with her dad and stepmom. Most recently, I bought matching Christmas PJs and she told me she’s too old for that. But then I found out through her social media (which she posted) that not only does she have matching PJs with the other side, they did a photoshoot. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She only has a few years left before she’s off to college so I want us to spend as much time together as possible. However, it’s hard to do when DD is showing very little interest in spending time with me. Any advice?

I am the step mom who had a strong bond with my step daughter. I knew her since she was a toddler, she is now 16 also. By the time she was a preteen she started to push me away, I came to find out it was because her bio mom was jealous of our relationship. Instead of trying too hard to bond with her, I gave her the space she needed. One of the things we used to like doing together was arts and crafts, so instead of taking her to arts and crafts with me I started dropping her and her friends to activities and just gave her the space. With time she is coming around. She opens up to me about her friendships and boy questions. I would say that our relationship has evolved. We don't share that strong bond we once had but we have a good respectful relationship. My advise to you would be to give her space. Be happy that she has a good relationship with her step mom. Good step moms don't get gratitude. Let her know that you miss doing things with her without pushing it. Lastly you can never be replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the reason for the divorce? I’m wondering if she is modeling some parental behavior and sort of working things out that way.

I’m sorry, that is really hard.

Her dad had a kid with another woman (not his current wife).

I’m sorry OP. This is horrible. I’m wondering if in some passive aggressive way she is punishing you for this, because you are the safest place for her mixed up feelings to land? She knows you love her unconditionally. Her dad- with a track record like that - who knows.

Agree with this.

OP, where is that child in the mix? Do they have a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter sucks. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Some people don’t know how to be loved and treat the ones nicest to them the worst. (An offshoot of this type is women who love jerks.) Since you are her mother and love her, my advice is to back off. The more distant you’ll be, the more she’ll respect you. Maybe she’ll learn, maybe she won’t. Find hobbies and be good to yourself!!!

Sorry this the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Late teens daughters pull away from their moms. She’s experimenting establishing her own identity. It’s a normal developmental stage. Mom is mom at that stage, and the step is the fun friend.

When the separation is completed, she will come back with an added bonus she your friend, you will always be her mom. The separation allows the way you view and relate to her to evolve as well.

Motherhood is hard. You pour your heart and the best of you into this tiny helpless little human being and the joy is immense, but then if you’re doing it right, and if you are lucky they start pull a little bit at a time, it happens slowly so you don’t always notice at first, but with those first steps they take, the countdown begins.

I have a tween son, and sometimes I look at him and just want to cry where did my sweet little boy go, time just slow down, and then he does something so intentionally jerky that I say the day can’t come fast enough… lol it’s natures way of priming us both to get ready for the eventual separation.

There is a big exciting world out there, and it’s all in front of them, theirs for the taking.

And mom the good news is, you can accept the change and look at the bright side you can start working on your second act.

That’s life, if it wasn’t the step mom it’d be something or someone else, in the big exciting world to that is hers to explore, the step mom is a different road maybe but it’s the same path. The arc of life.

But don’t worry I like to say daughters always find their way back home to mom. My son on the other hand I’m sure will leave me for some floozy and never look back 😂

[Anonymous]

Hoping things are going better for OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's the shiny and new thing. I don't know if she will come around but if the dad had an affair it's a personality trait and your daughter is having an affair with another mother. It's the same personality trait. I would work on yourself.

That must be the weirdest thing I’ve ever read here. Can’t fathom how you came up with this nonsense.

+1000

[Anonymous]

You are her mom. You will always be her mom. There is no need to feel competitive with her step mom. It’s a completely different relationship.

-Stepmom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter sucks. Sorry, but that’s the truth. Some people don’t know how to be loved and treat the ones nicest to them the worst. (An offshoot of this type is women who love jerks.) Since you are her mother and love her, my advice is to back off. The more distant you’ll be, the more she’ll respect you. Maybe she’ll learn, maybe she won’t. Find hobbies and be good to yourself!!!

Sorry this the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Late teens daughters pull away from their moms. She’s experimenting establishing her own identity. It’s a normal developmental stage. Mom is mom at that stage, and the step is the fun friend.

When the separation is completed, she will come back with an added bonus she your friend, you will always be her mom. The separation allows the way you view and relate to her to evolve as well.

Motherhood is hard. You pour your heart and the best of you into this tiny helpless little human being and the joy is immense, but then if you’re doing it right, and if you are lucky they start pull a little bit at a time, it happens slowly so you don’t always notice at first, but with those first steps they take, the countdown begins.

I have a tween son, and sometimes I look at him and just want to cry where did my sweet little boy go, time just slow down, and then he does something so intentionally jerky that I say the day can’t come fast enough… lol it’s natures way of priming us both to get ready for the eventual separation.

There is a big exciting world out there, and it’s all in front of them, theirs for the taking.

And mom the good news is, you can accept the change and look at the bright side you can start working on your second act.

That’s life, if it wasn’t the step mom it’d be something or someone else, in the big exciting world to that is hers to explore, the step mom is a different road maybe but it’s the same path. The arc of life.

But don’t worry I like to say daughters always find their way back home to mom. My son on the other hand I’m sure will leave me for some floozy and never look back 😂

I disagree. I never pulled away from my mom, not even a little. This is even though I went several states away for college. I called her every single day, usually a couple of times a day because I wanted to share everything with her.

More importantly, not all daughters who pull away come back. I have friends who have no relationship with their mothers. What I’ve found in all of those cases is a lack of respect for their moms. In OP’s case, I fear her daughter might not respect her for, in her eyes, “losing” the dad/husband to another woman. It sounds like he’s wealthy, or at least, wealthier than OP. This especially, makes daughter look down on OP for not making it work with him. She forgives Dad, obviously, because he’s richer and remarried (to a third woman) and takes her on trips to St. Maarten.

For OP to gain daughter’s respect, she needs to take a step back. She needs to respect herself and not grovel before a badly acting person, even if that person is her child. She also needs to accept that her daughter might be the same sort of person as her father, one who is disloyal. Maybe daughter is just going through a phase, but she might not be. This might just be who she is.

(Also, on an unrelated side note, it’s pretty sad that you’ve already decided, even if jokingly, that your tween son will leave you “for some floozy and never look back.” He will probably leave you because of your inherently sexist attitude towards him. He deserves to be loved and treated with the same expectations as you would have on a daughter.)