How does a parent recover from this?

[Anonymous]

My 16 yr old nephew sexually assaulted a 9yo over the weekend. My sister, of course, is beside herself. She's horrified her child is a monster and heartbroken for the little girl who's life he has changed forever. I don't know how to help her. I'm not anywhere near her geographically and I throw up every time I replay what she said to me in my mind. As much shock as I am in, as the aunt, and far removed physically from the situation, I want to help her. My sister is crumbling under the weight of it all. Is there anyone on here who is a psychologist and can give me some tips to help my sister? Going home to where she is, for right now, is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Just listen, be there for her and do not judge.

[Anonymous]

Also, consider he has some unrecognized (or recognized) mental health issues or was abused himself (and your sister did not know).

[Anonymous]

Read up on it. Everything you can. Get yourself into therapy for a short term, just to handle the rolling feelings of disgust that have beset you.

Can you imagine allowing the son to spend time with you in the future, maybe as a way of getting intensive therapy in your area and allowing the immediate family to find their own way to cope?

Right now, give yourself the time and space to absorb this event. I don't know the details (and really, really don't want to, thanks), but you are stuck with some horrible images in your head. Get yourself the help that you need so that you can be a resource to your sister.

Best of luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, consider he has some unrecognized (or recognized) mental health issues or was abused himself (and your sister did not know).

OP here, I do wonder if he's been physically abused as well. I know mentally, yes, he was by his father before he died. The anniversary of his death is this week.
I am so scared for my nephew. My sister is begging for answers if he needs jail or therapy and I just don't know. It's been 12 hours since I first learned of this, and only 14 since it happened. It's not about me, I know, please don't think I'm trying to make this about my disgust and horror, I am just sitting here at work in a fog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Read up on it. Everything you can. Get yourself into therapy for a short term, just to handle the rolling feelings of disgust that have beset you.

Can you imagine allowing the son to spend time with you in the future, maybe as a way of getting intensive therapy in your area and allowing the immediate family to find their own way to cope?

Right now, give yourself the time and space to absorb this event. I don't know the details (and really, really don't want to, thanks), but you are stuck with some horrible images in your head. Get yourself the help that you need so that you can be a resource to your sister.

Best of luck to you all.

This sounds so horrible, I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but no, my nephew can never stay with me. I have a child the same age as his victim, and I just can't.

[Anonymous]

Can you research specialists in her area? Are there siblings in the home? Perhaps journals for them and your sister to help deal with their thoughts and feelings.

What a horrendous situation for all involved. Does your sister have a support system in her area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you research specialists in her area? Are there siblings in the home? Perhaps journals for them and your sister to help deal with their thoughts and feelings.

What a horrendous situation for all involved. Does your sister have a support system in her area?

There are 3 other children in the home, 2 girls and another boy. My sister doesn't know if anything has happened to the girls, she asked, they won't answer.

Our mother suffered a massive stroke last Thanksgiving and that was my sisters entire support system. She is so alone right now, and too ashamed and embarrassed to ask her friends for help. I will look up providers where she lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Read up on it. Everything you can. Get yourself into therapy for a short term, just to handle the rolling feelings of disgust that have beset you.

Can you imagine allowing the son to spend time with you in the future, maybe as a way of getting intensive therapy in your area and allowing the immediate family to find their own way to cope?

Right now, give yourself the time and space to absorb this event. I don't know the details (and really, really don't want to, thanks), but you are stuck with some horrible images in your head. Get yourself the help that you need so that you can be a resource to your sister.

Best of luck to you all.

This sounds so horrible, I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but no, my nephew can never stay with me. I have a child the same age as his victim, and I just can't.

That's not horrible. Its exactly your job as a parent, to protect your kids.

SOrry no advice about what to do- except maybe never let your sister forget that you love her and are proud to be her sister (I am sure she is feeling massive shame).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Read up on it. Everything you can. Get yourself into therapy for a short term, just to handle the rolling feelings of disgust that have beset you.

Can you imagine allowing the son to spend time with you in the future, maybe as a way of getting intensive therapy in your area and allowing the immediate family to find their own way to cope?

Right now, give yourself the time and space to absorb this event. I don't know the details (and really, really don't want to, thanks), but you are stuck with some horrible images in your head. Get yourself the help that you need so that you can be a resource to your sister.

Best of luck to you all.

This sounds so horrible, I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but no, my nephew can never stay with me. I have a child the same age as his victim, and I just can't.

That's not horrible. Its exactly your job as a parent, to protect your kids.

SOrry no advice about what to do- except maybe never let your sister forget that you love her and are proud to be her sister (I am sure she is feeling massive shame).

Oh, yeah, whoa!!! I didn't know that when I posted about being available to host him. No way! Of course not. I'm sorry to have even mentioned that as an option. You can always open the door to your sister, then. Geesh. I can't imagine what you must be going through as the parent of a child the victim's age. That changes the entire landscape.

Take care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, consider he has some unrecognized (or recognized) mental health issues or was abused himself (and your sister did not know).

OP here, I do wonder if he's been physically abused as well. I know mentally, yes, he was by his father before he died. The anniversary of his death is this week.
I am so scared for my nephew. My sister is begging for answers if he needs jail or therapy and I just don't know. It's been 12 hours since I first learned of this, and only 14 since it happened. It's not about me, I know, please don't think I'm trying to make this about my disgust and horror, I am just sitting here at work in a fog.

OP, he is 16, which means that unless the crime falls into a category that allows him to be tried as an adult, then he will remain in the juvenile system. The juvenile system is designed to rehabilitate and any punishment ends at either age 18 or 22 depending on the state. In my experience, which admittedly, is quite awhile ago and not in the DC area, it was common to send kids who committed such offenses into a residential program. The thinking back then was that at age 16, you are so close to adulthood that we need to make you understand the seriousness of your actions and we need to give you as intense of a treatment/rehab experience as we possibly can. Thing is, though, it is totally out of the hands of the parents. The courts decide what will happen.

I'm sorry for your sister, for the 9 year old and for you. And, FWIW, I wouldn't let him come to live with me either if he were one of my relatives. Don't feel the least bit bad about that. You need to take care of your own family and your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you research specialists in her area? Are there siblings in the home? Perhaps journals for them and your sister to help deal with their thoughts and feelings.

What a horrendous situation for all involved. Does your sister have a support system in her area?

There are 3 other children in the home, 2 girls and another boy. My sister doesn't know if anything has happened to the girls, she asked, they won't answer.

Our mother suffered a massive stroke last Thanksgiving and that was my sisters entire support system. She is so alone right now, and too ashamed and embarrassed to ask her friends for help. I will look up providers where she lives.

9:55 here again- Oh, wow. Your sister must be feeling ashamed and incredibly alone. Those kids (not just the girls) need to get into therapy ASAP!! How are her finances? Are you able to help? Those kids can see how upset she is and likely won't want to add to her stress/grief. They must work with a therapist/counselor who specializes in working with children who are or may be victims of abuse. I was a school counselor for years and worked with too many children in this situation. If her children are school age your sister speak with their counselor (make an appt and be sure that it's private). She/he will/should be able to provide her with resources and possibly give her a list of referrals.

Big hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

What if you offered to host the girls as an escape?

Try contacting NAMI - always a good resource, for you, for her, for him. www.nami.org

If you need to speak to someone live in the short-term (which sounds like it could be useful considering you're staring into space) you might try a faith leader at your church, synagogue or mosque, Washington Pastoral Counseling www.pastoralcounselingdc.coml or The Women's Center http://www.thewomenscenter.org/.

You naturally have a lot spinning in your mind right now and could use help pulling the web of thoughts of feelings apart and developing a plan of action. This is what therapists are good for.

[Anonymous]

I think that whether or not he gets jail time, he needs intensive therapy probably for a decade at least. And while I realize this isn't maybe as severe: I once knew a boy who assaulted a girl his age when he was 13. He went on to have 2 healthy relationships in h.s. and mostly recovered socially in his peer group. He is now married and a productive member of society.

[Anonymous]

Some of this is out of all of your hands too, right? It has to do with whether the victim's family presses charges, which they have every right to do.

In addition to a therapist, your sister's family needs a lawyer. Obviously the kid needs therapy, rehabilitation and punishment, but you need someone to help you navigate all of that. My dad was a public defender for years. There are good ones. They can help your sister figure out how to reach out to the victim's family (if appropriate) without aggravating the situation in a legal sense.