I don't know whether to give up on this marriage.
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Anonymous
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I am sorry in advance if this is all over the place, but my head is POUNDING and I truly don't know what to do anymore.
I am trying so hard to be optimistic. My husband is having in my opinion, a mid life crisis. He acknowledges that he has changed but says it is all for his betterment. He goes to happy hour and the gym 3-5 times weekly, comes home and is disconnected from me. He sits in the couch until he falls asleep then wakes up and goes to bed and the cycle begins again. At least 3 nights a week he doesn't get home until 8:30 the earliest. I do all household chores. Dinner laundry cleaning etc. he doesn't do his things like bills, pool care, yard maintenance, appliance repair upkeep etc. he waits until these things are beyond repair and then complains about poor quality. When bills are late he complains when collectors call. Everything is someone else's problem. I will bring something to his attention and he dismisses it. If I bring it up more than once I am a nag. For years I let this behavior continue. Honestly in retrospect I have no good answer as to why. I told him I resent him going out as much as he does and want some help around the house before it is either taken away or falls down. There is NO REASON for accounts to be behind and house to be falling down around us. A simple thing becomes a major problem because of lack of concern. I started going to counseling. Was correctly advised(imo) to give husband deadlines that were workable and when that time passed hire someone. Oh I forgot to mention. He will NEVER hire anyone to do anything. They are all crooks! I spoke to husband he agreed! I also told him that when a bill collector had to call us for a payment i was going to pay it right then. He agreed!! Okay I am happy and we are on the right track. I told him that with the amount of time he is actually home it was impossible to do everything. He agreed. Okay2 appliance deadlines passed -by weeks not days. I called a repairman. He went ballistic and canceled it. Gave Himself a new deadline. Passed weeks ago. He is attacking me saying I am demanding. Bill collectors called. I knew we had the money, I checked it first and paid. He went beyond ballistic. I could go on and on but I am so physically ill that I have been sent home from work twice. I have serious stomach issues daily. I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. I have never been so sick in My life. I have told him actions speak louder than words and his response is that I am never happy. If you told me a year ago I would be in this situation I would never have believed it. After 20+ years of marriage I really thought this was going to start to be a new awesome chapter in our lives. I don't really know what else to say but I don't know if I can see us together in a years time. I can't live like this. I am sure I am leaving things out but this is long enough!!! |
Anonymous
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At this point it sounds like your life would be much easier without him. You carry the entire load, literally and figuratively, and this situation isn't sustainable.
Do you have kids? |
Anonymous
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Counseling or bust. Seriously.
Are you still doing individual counseling? If not, restart. If you are, add couples counseling. If he won't do couples counseling, then start working on your exit plan. |
Anonymous
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We have 3 children. 2 in college and one getting ready for college. This poor kid hears about half of what is going on and I feel terrible.
We went to the other side of the house to have a discussion this morning. My husband says I don't want him to be healthy and I am wrong to be annoyed by his gym time. He agrees that he shouldn't be going to happy hour w his secretary, only that he shouldn't go as often as he does, not that it is wrong. God help me! I would not be annoyed with his gym time if he would get something/anything done around here. I will not even discuss his happy hour excursions as that is a MAJOR issue that would take up an entire topic. He says he can't possibly do everything that needs to be done by himself. I told him we are quite able to hire someone to close the pool etc. he says why should we hire someone to do something he can do himself. Does he hear what he is saying??? |
Anonymous
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You have a variety of issues. The first one is all the stuff surrounding unpaid pills. Normal people with jobs and income do not regularly get referred to collections. You would have a hard time leaving the marriage right now financially because your credit shot. That he fights you on this is beyond bizarre.
Second is his state of mind. The bill thing along with his accusing you of sabotaging his health when you are talking about chores that someone needs to do could smack of a new or growing mental illness. If these are recent developments, I'd want him referred to a physician for physical and psychological tests. Could be early signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. If he's mentally and physically fine, then I would start planning to leave at a good time for you. He doesn't want to be part of the relationship. So you have to ask yourself "is living together like his better than living separately"? Sorry, OP. |
Anonymous
| I swear there is something about many (not all) men in their 40s that makes them lose their mind for at least a couple of years. Sorry OP, no real advise. But you are not alone. |
Anonymous
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I think it's time to take "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" out of the vows altogether because nowadays it amounts to mere lip service in the fervor of the moment and little else.
I don't know whether people are more delusional from too many Disney movies or more impatient because of the fast-paced environment of instant gratification or if people are just more self-serving now than in times past, but for whatever reason the absurd expectation of "happily ever after" with no problems or obstacles in life once married is erroneously embedded in people's brains and it's wreaking havoc on relationships. |
Anonymous
| Jsut have the repair men come when he's not home. Sounds like he's super cheap and having an affair. Do you want to live like that? |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
I swear there is something about many (not all) men in their 40s that makes them lose their mind for at least a couple of years. Sorry OP, no real advise. But you are not alone. +100 when does it end? |
Anonymous
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I went ahead and scheduled the repair for the appliances. Not telling him.
I get that he doesn't want to be in this relationship. Well he likes having someone feed him, clean his clothes etc. but why doesn't he leave if he is so unhappy? I would rather not be sick and nervous all the time and wondering where he is going tonight with his secretary. Is it fine with him because he is getting everything he wants? When I found out He was going to happy hours w his secretary for almost a year, I stopped sex. He didn't tell me because he thought I would think something was going on.... |
Anonymous
Im so sorry OP. I think the poster who said the thing about men in their 40's clued me in. My husband went through a depression and self medication issue and eventhough he is being treated now its still a crazy ride. That being said, that last line is totally dysfunctional. IF he didnt tell you because of HIS thought that you would think there was an affair, and then you find out and you stop having sex with him because you think he is, where on earth is the point at which the truth enters into this? Bonding with his secretary over alcohol and hiding it (and blaming YOU that he hid it), the working out, the distancing. this all sounds like a classic signs of an affair. Why is he being allowed to get away with this? The rest is really rather irrelevant compared to this big one. There needs to be a dealing with the truth here. He is getting away with all manner of utter bullshit, but it pales by comparison to what looks like he is having an affair and you as much admitting to yourself that he has by withholding sex. Or am I missing something? Anyway, this is bad bad. Im really sorry. He needs to be called OUT on his BULLshit with the secretary. Oh the whole "You dont want me to be healthy" sounds JUST LIKE THE KIND OF IDEA AN "OTHER WOMAN" WOULD PUT INTO A MANS HEAD. That is not his original thought. Its just another way to blame you, along with you are never happy. He has taken the total asshole path. Im really sorry. Dont take it, though. |
Anonymous
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I can't prove he is having an affair and he is denying everything and telling me I am crazy!
To be honest with you not only do I feel crazy I feel totally abused. I don't know how or when to initiate this. We have too much debt, I am terrified. I haven't told a single soul about any of this except counselor. And you guys lol |
Anonymous
| OP - he is clearly having an affair. |
Anonymous
I agree. My STBX turned 40 and promptly started a midlife crisis. He distanced himself, blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in his life and had an affair with a younger woman. About as classic a midlife crisis as you can get. In the absence of an affair, either you wait it out or you need to leave. |
Anonymous
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I can't prove he is having an affair and he is denying everything and telling me I am crazy!
To be honest with you not only do I feel crazy I feel totally abused. I don't know how or when to initiate this. We have too much debt, I am terrified. I haven't told a single soul about any of this except counselor. And you guys lol |