Toxic "friend" always judging

[Anonymous]

I have a "friend" that is constantly performing a microanalysis of everything I do. She's really focused on yoga, "clean eating" and environmentalism. Which is fine for her, but when she comes over to my house she'll often point out that, for example, my children eat some non-organic produce. It's like she can't just live her life and let me live mine, as is. She's constantly nitpicking every detail. If my kids watch a cartoon, not only does she comment about how they should be more active, but she'll make a point of critiquing the fact that the cartoon characters ate cookies!

I know this lifestyle is really important to her, and I try to be supportive and understanding. If meditation, organic grapes, and creek cleanups do it for her, that's fine. I've gone along to sweep the creek, and have taken a yoga class or two with her, but it's just not something I am passionate about the way she is.

Thing is, she looks down her nose at me for not being exactly the same. And when it comes to things that are important to me? She doesn't ever want to talk about them, learn about them, or participate. The only person who is allowed to have concerns and opinions is her. Our "friendship" is basically her judging me for being different than she is.

How do I say that to her? Is this friendship even worth saving, or should I cut her loose and move on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a "friend" that is constantly performing a microanalysis of everything I do. She's really focused on yoga, "clean eating" and environmentalism. Which is fine for her, but when she comes over to my house she'll often point out that, for example, my children eat some non-organic produce. It's like she can't just live her life and let me live mine, as is. She's constantly nitpicking every detail. If my kids watch a cartoon, not only does she comment about how they should be more active, but she'll make a point of critiquing the fact that the cartoon characters ate cookies!

I know this lifestyle is really important to her, and I try to be supportive and understanding. If meditation, organic grapes, and creek cleanups do it for her, that's fine. I've gone along to sweep the creek, and have taken a yoga class or two with her, but it's just not something I am passionate about the way she is.

Thing is, she looks down her nose at me for not being exactly the same. And when it comes to things that are important to me? She doesn't ever want to talk about them, learn about them, or participate. The only person who is allowed to have concerns and opinions is her. Our "friendship" is basically her judging me for being different than she is.

How do I say that to her? Is this friendship even worth saving, or should I cut her loose and move on?

Tell her how you feel and see how she responds. Could be she that she isn't aware of her behavior. If she still does the same things, maybe let the "friendship" fade.

[Anonymous]

I would move on. Does she have kids? Your opinions change with kids.

I would tell her everything is organic.

[Anonymous]

Dump her. Send her an email that says "Rosa, I've put up with your judgmental comments for a long time but I will not and cannot allow your behavior and comments to extend to my children. I wish you all the best but you are no longer welcome in my home."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would move on. Does she have kids? Your opinions change with kids.

I would tell her everything is organic.

No, no kids (yet).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would move on. Does she have kids? Your opinions change with kids.

I would tell her everything is organic.

No, no kids (yet).

Not only are you completely on different pages about lifestyles, you're in different chapters of life. Even the strongest friendships can struggle through the child-rearing years. She doesn't sound like she'd put in the work to maintain a friendship with you if it weren't on her terms 100%.

Get really busy with your kids and the rest of your life, she'll find a new victim, I promise.

[Anonymous]

You have invited "toxic" into your home.

You are the problem - meaning why do you need this relationship if it's not pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have invited "toxic" into your home.

You are the problem - meaning why do you need this relationship if it's not pleasant.

You're not "the problem," OP, but you're part of the problem equation. Why are you investing so much in this one-sided friendship?

[Anonymous]

Just state the obvious. When she says a dig call her out. Say "why are you saying that?" She will probably respond with "what?" And then tell her how her comments sometimes come across as X.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend with kids who does this. I cut her out recently.

[Anonymous]

Just say nicely - -- Advice that is not sought is not necessary...Or whatever that saying is about how you should give anyone any advice unless they ask you for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have invited "toxic" into your home.

You are the problem - meaning why do you need this relationship if it's not pleasant.

You're not "the problem," OP, but you're part of the problem equation. Why are you investing so much in this one-sided friendship?

The toxic "friend" is a package deal with someone I care about.

[Anonymous]

That's really annoying. Do you like anything about her? If not, move on.

[Anonymous]

Are you getting anything out of your friendship with her? If not, cut her loose. Getting rid of toxic people has been greatly freeing for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Dump her. Send her an email that says "Rosa, I've put up with your judgmental comments for a long time but I will not and cannot allow your behavior and comments to extend to my children. I wish you all the best but you are no longer welcome in my home."

I literally laugh out loud whenever I read this phrase on this forum. Always a classic.